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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nc parent is sick. Wwyd. Triggers

13 replies

Whereartthouname · 17/11/2018 07:13

If you cut off your parent for abuse reasons and then found out they were sick would you contact them? I was abused by a parent once when i was young. For years ot was rugswept until i was a teen and i drunkenly told my other parent about it. My sibling also acused the abusive parent of abuse but being young i was led to believe it was all lies. My one time abuse was rug swept because my parents were just divorced and ap (abusive parent) was sad and confused apparently. And it didnt match up to the horrible things my sibbling was accusing ap of. Anyway sibling is now in contact with ap. I cut off contact when my 1st child was a month old because oalong with motherhood sprouted a spine and i felt that ap shouldnt have gotten away with what they did. They would never admit it. Lie to everyone. Made out i was crazy and was all ppd on social media. I sent them a letter to say until such times as you admit and apologize i will not speak to you. and no matter what u will never see my children. That was 7 years ago and iv heard nothing expcept some lies online about what a great grandparent they are and how we are all close. I let them have thier lies asthey have nothing else and i know the truth. Abuse was documented with police etc when i was a teen. Nothing ever arose except some mention of a registry.
Now iv received a message from sibbling who is in contact with ap that ap have been diagnosed..... i couldnt open it yet. Its just a facebook message. I jsut dont know if it says they are terminal or what. I cant get the balls to open it.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 17/11/2018 08:20

Why does it matter? You've gone NC for very good reason and this doesn't change anything.

I wouldn't. They haven't changed and your reasons still stand. To be totally harsh but truthful, they may be Ill but they havent changed?

JellycatElfie · 17/11/2018 08:22

I’d open the message so you aren’t left wondering and then I’d ignore it. Nothings changed with regards to what they did - everyone passes away at some point don’t they? Even if they’re dying t doesn’t change what they did -‘sorry if that sounds callous!

UnicornSlaughters · 17/11/2018 08:27

Dying doesn't wipe the slate clean. You are NC for a very good reason. Open the message so that you aren't left wondering, and then delete and ignore. Hope you're okay x

Hoppinggreen · 17/11/2018 08:28

Awful people who become ill are still awful people, they are just ill as well.
Becoming ill does not erase what someone did, even if they are terminally ill and if they die then they will just be an awful person who is now dead
If you went NC for a good reason then that doesn’t change so do what’s best for your own MH

another20 · 17/11/2018 08:36

Def ignore. Do not feel FOG (fear, obligation, guilt).

The abuse has continued with the social media lies, refusing to admit/apologise and the efforts to minimise the abuse. Now the flying monkeys. If you are close with your DS, you can say to her 'as you know I am NC for my own valid reasons - I do not want any further info and would like you to respect my request"

So there are no changes.
Keep strong. There is nothing to be gained from contact here. The only outcome is that the abuser wants to show others that YOU have apologised / seen sense. Nothing in this for you except more abuse and manipulation - by him and others (DM?) who failed you as a child - they want YOU to guilt and remorse (which is theirs to own).

another20 · 17/11/2018 08:37

*YOU to feel guilt and remorse

FallenAngel89 · 17/11/2018 08:48

No. I was in the exact same position as you. I was abused as a child and after around a year of NC when it all came out my dad said he had a brain tumour. I had been no contact with my siblings too and it escalated to the point of my brothers smashing my car windows because I was " a liar ans a heartless bitch". I was scared for a long time that they would continue to make my life a misery or hurt me, but now 2years on I feel so much better having them out of my life and my MH has improved too. I hope you find the strength to get through this too Flowers

Whereartthouname · 17/11/2018 08:50

Thankyou. I ballsed up and opened it. The have been diagnosed with a non life threatening illness. Im not surw why i was even told. I mote take pp advice and send a reply to ds saying i wish no further information. I guess and this may sound i dunno but i worry that of they die they essentially get away with what they did. I know ill mever get what i want for them to say

OP posts:
Whereartthouname · 17/11/2018 09:39

Yes it was my df who abused me once. My dm found out when i was 16. She felt it was her fault because she divorced him and he got custody. It just feels so wrong that he essentially gets away with it. Ill never know if the abuse my ds suffered was true or not. She was a troubled teen and had alot of mh issues. But i wouldnt put it past him. Though i dont know why she still talks to him. Our dm passed away 10 years ago. Maybe she is trying to hang on to family

OP posts:
Whereartthouname · 17/11/2018 09:40

@fallenangel im so sorry you suffered abuse. Its just so wrong and i just pray i can protect my children from such horrors

OP posts:
Santaispolishinghissleigh · 17/11/2018 09:43

I am nc with both dps. That won't change for any reason.
Stay strong op.

Guiltypleasures001 · 17/11/2018 09:53

Sorry to hear this op

Your ds issues maybe down to the abuse she suffered, and on the whole if she's being recruited as a flying monkey, then she's still being abused by him.

Thanks
bubblebubbles · 17/11/2018 09:59

Myself, brother and mother were all physically and mentally abused by my (I don’t even like calling him this) father when I was younger. Most of the time he was in jail but when he wasn’t me made our lives a living hell. I cut contact with him when I was 18 but started speaking to him again when I was 26 as apparently he had changed. By this time he had met a new partner as my mother had divorced him. I was literally in contact with him for 6 months before the new partner contacted her to tell me he had beat her up really badly. At that point I hadn’t long become a mum and thought....there is no way I could continue to have this man in my life, so again I cut contact.

I’ve never looked back. He has tried to contact me again a few times but I’ve ignored him every time. I don’t feel guilty for it, I think guilt is a useless emotion. If he hadn’t behaved the way he did then he would still be in my life, it’s his fault he’s not in my life - the same way it’s your abusive parents fault they are not in yours.

I’m just waiting on the day I get a message from either him or one of his friends/family members to tell me he’s either dead or been diagnosed with some terminal illness. I’ve told myself when I do, I’m just going to ignore it. As PP’s have said - just because they’re ill, it doesnt change what a horrible person they are. They didn’t show compassion and love for you when they were well so why should you show it for them because they are ill.

Just thought I’d share my story with you too and to say that my advice would be just to carry on with your life like this person doesn’t exist, it doesn’t matter if they’re ill or not it will never change what they did. Flowers

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