Anyone else leaving after Christmas?

[leaving11]

Because I am....I'm unhappy and he's controlling. Anyone else decided to leave?

Just wanted to say I’m similar in that I’m 90% sure I want out of a long marriage with emotional abuse / narcissim that I’ve only recently confronted him about. Despite joint counselling leading to him having individual counselling I’m still being told I’m half the problem. Think I detached mentally already but got one DD doing GCCEs this year (mocks in Jan) & one settling into uni. Not doing anything publicly this year but have secretly seen a solicitor for advice, prices up houses, collected info on his salary etc & generally making myself as strong as so can be in meantime. Stay strong x

You see this is the situation right now:

He's been great with all the dcs including mine - his are here now - he's spoken to the more now than he has in the week

But then all the kids finished their tea except for my dd who left a small bit. He then said the other dcs couldn't have pudding until she finished it. She didn't want it, she was full. I couldn't really see as I was busy feeding the baby. His ds 9/10 will leave the majority of his tea (it was only this time he actually finished it for once) and then be stuffing his face with sweets 2 minutes later.

Anyway next minute he's chasing the kids round again and it's forgotten

I don't know if I'm being over sensitive there or not.

Now he's just gone out to pick his dd up which will take an hour. I'm left with the kids. I haven't been asked if this is ok. He's just gone.

Dreading tomorrow

It's so sad how many of us go through this isn't it?

@Mango88 that's good about the counselling.....but not good that you are half the problem. They just can't see it can they?

Sounds like leaving is a good idea. Unfortunately he is an arrogant twat. Your life can be so much better op. And so can your dc's.

Now he's just rang to see if I'm ok and said he felt guilty for leaving me with all the kids and a screaming baby - which I can handle by the way. It's easier without him. I've managed to settle the baby, get the dcs pjs on and hoover the whole house.

But him ringing to say he feels guilty- what is this? Is it genuine? Or just to mess with my head? I have no idea. Either way I'm not happy obviously

Well he may feel guilty but he’s a grown man and shouldn’t have just walked out leaving you with all the dc, without talking to you first. Feeling guilty afterwards is a bit late!

Also you are not being over sensitive re what he said at tea time. I’ve never, ever heard an adult say to young children “you all won’t be getting a pudding unless X finishes her food”. Such a dreadful thing to say to children!

You need to get onto the DSS and find out what benefits you're entitled to once you split, phone Shelter re how to pay rent to see if you can stay. He's not on the tenancy so he can leave.

My contract requires a month's notice so if you give notice on Xmas Eve, you won't be out of there til the end of January.

Give yourself a fantastic early Christmas present by getting rid of the controlling arsehole now. Do you have info re finances I.e payslips / pension / assets. He will need to pay appropriate child support so if you can provide evidence of his earnings it will make it easier. I would be looking at filing for divorce now. Paperwork can be done online I think and court fees are usually waived if you are in receipt of certain benefits. If there is no joint property it usually makes it simpler.

Right so this Saturday maybe an escape route.....and it's definitely a test anyway.

My dcs are going to my dads as they are having a sleep over. As previously mentioned, H isn't exactly thrilled that they are going but whatever - they are going.

I'm going to take the dcs and say 'I'll be maybe an hour and a half as I'll probably stay at dads for a cuppa seem as I haven't seen him for a while'

If his reply is 'yeah that's fine'.....then I don't know.....maybe he's miraculously changed

But it won't be....his reply will be along the lines of 'why don't you want to spend time with my kids' or he will just go in a mood full stop.

Which is where I will just say everything I need too and say it's over.

How daft do I sound? Over going to my dads for a cup of coffee.

But I do need to test it. We had a lovely weekend in the end. We really did and I think he realised what he has been like.

Now I know it won't last. But I need to know wether he's going to over react about me staying at my dads for half an hour or not.

Yesterday I weirdly felt happy. I don't know why, probably because I've had a massive wake up call and know that I'm no longer going to be walked all over

Tbh sounds like he wants a nanny for his dc. He should be grabbing opportunities to see them alone!
Personally I would stay over at your df's.

@Santaispolishinghissleigh yep there is definitely some element of that. It's also partly because my dd and his ds get on very well and can play for hours......which means he doesn't bother his dad and he can sit and watch football. He works hard all week (which is true but he's the type that thinks he deserves a medal for it) and wants to sit on his arse all week. If that's the case then he shouldn't have the kids. He wants the best of both worlds. He expects them to all get on well all weekend and he can just sit there.

Sounds bloody exhausting.
He's realised a change in you.
As much as you may try to act normally, he can sense something is afoot and is now doing his Mr nice guy act to reel you back in.
It will last a couple of weeks and then he will revert back to type.
Keep going with your plan.
Can you stay over at your dads as well?
Or could you go to your mums and stay there on Saturday.
THAT would be the real test!

There's nothing more than I'd love than to go stay at my mums or dads for the night but it's just too much with the new baby at the minute - too much to take and pack up for one night. No way I'd leave the baby and I'm ebf anyway.

It is definitely exhausting- mentally exhausting as I've realised my mind is just non stop - trying to figure him out. Trying to think the right ways to say things so it doesn't piss him off. No marriage should be like this.

I'm just glad I'm not oblivious to it all and I've got my head screwed on

God I had an ex like this. I'm eternally grateful that it ended before DC.

Going to your dads for a cuppa should elicit any other response than "great, see you later". You know this but he has ground you down over the years. Your head shouldn't be filled with that crap. They keep it full of "what if's" so that you don't have the headspace to think about anything normal.

Good luck for when you finally do leave!

*shouldnt!!!!

Just popping in to see how you are getting on there leaving

Your name is very appropriate then! You're really doing this. I have missed a lot of the middle of your thread, but its wonderful to read that happy feeling you've got. You have your mind and soul back!!! Hurrah!!

Only you know the lengths he will go to if he suspects your intentions, and maybe even you haven't seen the worst of his extremes yet. Its really not advisable to discuss leaving with him, in these situations.

You know how unreasonable he is, and he has treated you sufficiently I'll as to warrant to just looking out for you and your DC now, without that consideration. Yes made it very clear he's not your friend, the changes the rules. Just do what you andthe DC need. Everything else doesn't matter. Being self is is a positive thing.

*ill

selfish. that [changes the rules]. Bloody predictive text!

...everything else can be sorted after you're out. Its the getting out thats the important and most difficult bit, do that and you won't believe the difference in your life and the energy that will return just not having to continually expend your energies around him and second-guessing everything in anxiety.

Have baby with you, of course, you're ebf