He was so lovely when we got married, nursed me through some physical problems
Held my hand through infertility
Looked after me through a difficult pregnancy but didn't show much interest. Told me I was obsessed with the baby (I used to count down weeks till baby would survive if born, after infertility I was not at all coping with pregnancy well)
But then baby arrived and he was pushing sex, thought I didn't do enough housework if I went to baby groups, thought I was a shit mum for handing baby over when he got in from work, thought when I took medication to sleep and was too drowsy to see to baby one morning that I was awful for refusing to look after baby (I didn't trust myself as couldn't stop falling asleep) one Saturday
Became a daily thing to tell me I was a shit mum and he would make sure baby went into care (relevant because I was in care and was abused in care so it was my worst fear that baby would go into care)
I've done the freedom programme, I had a dv worker too. I've had counselling. Saying all that because it's always what I see asked in comments.
He walked out of baby's life so many times and I took him back stupidly but looking back he only bothered with baby when he wanted us both as a package
I wanted another baby and he gave me an ultimatum of him or another baby. He'd put us through so much by then I said I wanted another baby more and wouldn't stay with him without one.
It's been years now since we were over. He's walked away I think for good from that baby we created this year knowing I won't have him back
He's started a new life and chose her over our child (he never needed to be with me he just needed to be consistent and not emotionally abusing our child by what he said and did to our child, that wasn't worth putting his new woman slower for... all he had to do was let his child adjust in time to her existence and not fuck child up saying shit about me)
I've cried so many tears. Had to ring the police again today because of threats from him that I need to get protection legally to be safe. Had to explain to my child that if daddy is seen and mummy doesn't know they have to tell someone straight away and had to try and do this without telling child daddy is bad in any way. Had to tell child in tears asking why daddy never sees them that he still loves them through gritted teeth tbh and I don't know why
I do know why - it's my punishment for ending it. He always punished me by hurting my child emotionally
And for some fucked reason I still (would never do so!) feel like I want him to turn round one more time and do the whole big apology thing he did so often before, promise to put it right and imagine we'd all live happily with another baby
We won't. And I hate myself for wishing this waste of space back.
No idea what I'm asking or saying, just sobbing, exhausted and so gutted he is living some happy new start while we are dealing with what he has done