What's fair for DC: first Christmas since divorce

[Pogmella]

Hi. Hugely emotive for me abd im pretty sure im just not seeing clearly.

DD is nearly 3. This is the first Christmas that she's understood about Santa etc. Also the first Christmas with seperate parents.

We've agreed the time splits ok- I'm having her Xmas eve/day and he wanted her the weekend before as he's going away.

I asked this morning what his plans were and he mentioned stockings/santa/mini Xmas. I suggested we discuss as I think it's a bit of a shame her first santa experience won't be on 'the' day. Aware I may be projecting as she obv won't have a clue. He got very upset and stormed out.

This is becoming a bit of a wider issue: he won't come to get birthday party but wants to do a seperate event with his family. I'm not sure how I feel about this sort of parallel lives approach... I'd rather she had one set of key events and we both suck if up and attend or miss out. I wouldn't expect to do a Santa thing next year, for instance.

The Santa thing I'm worried that it'll destroy a bit if the magic, too. He doesn't want to tell me what he's getting her so longer term I don't want the big guy giving her duplicates I suppose...

Anyway: am I out of line, how do other families make this work?!

I can see where you're coming from here. I would be unhappy about that but she is young. I would suggest to your ex that at her age suggesting Santa comes more than once is confusing and misleading. In my house Santa only comes once and even if I don't have DC with me on Chrismtas Day and we have our Christmas on Boxing Day the presents have always been delivered on Christmas Eve.

Birthdays I can't get too worked up about. It's fine for him to have a separate event. You might be glad of it further down the line.

Very much a two Christmas / Birthday approach for my two, but they’re a fair bit older now. We tried joint B’day parties but it always felt very awkward for both of us (particularly as the guy she’d cheated on me with was there).

I don’t think you can force him to come to events you’ve organised for her and you can’t (and shouldn’t IMO) stop him from organising his own. It’s not unreasonable to ask him what he’s getting her but if he doesn’t want to tell you then perhaps the better approach is to tell him what you’re getting, so he can avoid duplicating.

He’s being unreasonable about the presents-making sure there are no duplicates just seems sensible.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable about the duplicate Christmas. He’s missing out on actual Christmas Day.

Doyoumind that's a great Santa compromise- he has her the week after too so perhaps he'd be open to that. We could do a vid call on Xmas day all 'wow and more with daddy too!'

Changed yeah I'm also in a post affair situation. I have invited his girlf to the party too. There is no point forcing, is there, as it will just be awkward if he isn't keen. I have told him what I've got her to deal with duplicates but this secrecy about anything to do with her time with him is not limited to Xmas gifts and is rather wearing at times.

purple it's her first one and it's not Christmas dinner/family gifts but the Santa narrative. Though I see that if she's happy to be live a benevolent mythical being delivers toys around the world overnight, she can probably believe it happens twice in a week too.

With my DSS Santa came into two places... sometimes he would also leave extra ones at my mums (for when we visited). However we always shared Xmas in one form or another.. Xmas eve at one house.. then Xmas day into Boxing Day at the other.
Birthdays have always been separate and parties too.

Xmas day was still magical for DSS growing up.

I think you could video call daddy on Xmas day to show presents there under the tree although aged 3 probably wouldn’t get the time span to wait

I think I should video call regardless now I think on it more. He's not one to ask so I'll offer.

Well, Santa does go to two addresses but only on Chrismtas Eve, is what I meant.

I get where you’re coming from. He’s doing the Santa thing a week early so she’s getting the full xmas experience from him and it maybe takes away the magic a bit from your actual day. He’s gazumping a bit. I can see why you’d be miffed at this. Very tricky if he won’t play ball though. You could say to your child that because daddy won’t be there on xmas day that he’s going to come to daddy’s early as a special treat for daddy and then he will come again on xmas day. It’s annoying but not the end of the world. Just spin up a story that you can live with

No chance he can come round for stockings? Birthday is fair enough, you don't want all his family every year but it would be good if you can do occasional things together.

annie i'll offer that too. I doubt he'll take me up on it as my family will be here and he so far has avoided them.

cawfee annoying but not a big deal probably sums it up. I suppose I'm worried it sets the tone for every Christmas, but in reality j imagine we'll adapt each year in line with her needs.