How to help new partner

[Splitz]

I’ve been seeing a newly divorced man around three months and we’ve got on great. He lost his job earlier this year and as a result is struggling to pay his bills and his mortgage resulting in debt collectors chasing him up. The last few weeks he’s been totally stressed and panicked over his situation and has shut me out. He has talked about it saying he feels less of a man and embarrassed so he’s avoiding seeing me until he feels better about himself.

We still talk but he seems very distant/not himself and I haven’t seen him for nearly two weeks despite me trying. I was due to go over this evening but he’s cancelled saying his daughter is poorly. He doesn’t want to end things he says and just needs to sort himself out.

I don’t know how to help. I want to give his space but I don’t want to lose touch, I miss him so much.

Bump

So, give him his space and don't lose touch. The odd text/call won't hurt.
Respect what he is asking you to do.

Short of feeling that he really was someone I may want to spend rest of my life with,
I’d follow his lead

It sounds messy and prolonged

Does he want help?

Tbh sounds like he's not interested and just doesn't know how to say. I'd not contact him again unless he contacts you.

So, give him his space and don't lose touch. The odd text/call won't hurt.
Respect what he is asking you to do.

^

This.

Speaking as a male who has been in a similar situation, I can understand his perspective. It certainly made me feel the same.

As others have said, give him space, no pressure, but definitely keep checking he's ok so he knows you're there for him (but don't expect much from him right now).

He's not a 'partner'.

Three months in and he's bringing financial problems to the table. Big red flag. You've got a potential cocklodger here.

He's not in the right place for a relationship.

Yy shit happens. But you don't want this in a new relationship. No way.

You're going to have to let him go - in your heart at least. Leave him alone xx

He says he really appreciates my concern for him but feels mentally closed off from life right now. I've asked if he'd rather end things for the time being and he's adamant he doesn't want to. He's been given a get out of jail free card to end things amicably several times but says he doesn't want that. I'm thinking he just needs to focus on himself right now so I thought a text every few days but no more initiating going to see him.

I honestly think he's so embarrassed. As in his cupboards have very little food, he has bills left right and centre and the possibility of losing his home.

Do you not find such inability to manage his life quite unattractive?

I think there is a big difference between someone who takes advantage of you (aka a cocklodger) and someone who is in a temporary crisis in his life and is looking to get back in the right direction.

It’s correct to be wary of the baggage he brings. But if you do like him then give him space and take things slowly.

You offering, purple daisies?

I would listen to him. 3 months isn't long for either of you to be totally comfortable with each other. Respect his wishes.

I think sometimes people who are comfortable or rich can fail to appreciate the devastating effect losing your income can do to your quality of life. It can really happen to anyone and any family.

Hi Splitz, once again I can relate to that.

I can't understate how important it could be for him knowing that you're at the end of the phone for him should he need someone to talk to.

To be fair, he has always worked and earned a decent salary. He's 49 and his industry seem to be after young graduates/cutting down on staff. He has tried so hard to find work and would never dream of asking me for help. He's just got into a mess- high outgoings which was fine on a good salary but not on UC.

Everything zippey has said

Chillspot. So would you suggest messaging on a couple of days saying I'm here anytime he wants company or to talk? It feels so odd having such limited contact but I know if I crowd him, I'm adding to his stress.

Zippey, it's had a huge effect on his quality of life. He can't afford a decent food shop, can't afford diesel so limits his mileage, can't take his children out, can't afford to go out and has bills coming out of his ears. And no funds to pay them. He's sold everything he has of value.

Splitz, definitely keep contact with him yes. How often is difficult to judge; you'll get a better idea from his responses.

My girlfriend checked in every day with me. And believe me, just knowing she was there kept me going in dark times.

@PolkaDoting

Do you not find such inability to manage his life quite unattractive?

WTAF!! Do you not read the OP?

Recently divorced, lost job, daughter poorly, got debt, needs space to sort his life out.
Just the bullet points in case you missed them .

FYI, Divorces can be expensive and FYI marriages breakdown.

I really feel for you. You've met someone you really like. But he's going through a really tough time. It's horrible for both. I really hope he finds a way out soon.

He always reads messages and seems to appreciate the thought but I just get a reply rather than a chat if you know what I mean. So I'm not sure if messaging daily is too much.

I'd bet a significant amount he appreciates knowing you're there for him.

But vast majority of his emotional, physical and mental energy must go into sorting himself out, hence the brief replies.

I couldn't find any joy in anything whilst in a similar situation, but my god it was so important to know people cared and were concerned.