What on earthndo I do for the best? (Possibly triggering)

[Shockedshell]

This is likely to be long and complicated so I'll try and be as concise & factual as possible.

I have a difficult relationship with middle DD who is mid 20s, she is such hard work, very entitled with a 'me me me' attitude & I have to tread on eggshells with her as she can flip at the slightest thing and will shout and be abusive towards me even in public.

I'm the first person she turns to when anything goes wrong, she regularly asks me for help, phones me several times a day when we are getting on ok BUT she also hates me at times and says I was/am a terrible mother who never did/does anything for her. I feel her opinion of me is totally unfair and I actually do an awful lot for her. I know I've probably made mistakes as a mum & handled thing the wrong way sometimes but no more so than most parents I would imagine.

I am close to her siblings who are nothing like her at all, they disagree with her views on her upbringing and, after the latest episode on Wednesday (I had to call the police as she was kicking my front door in & broke a glass panel in it) want nothing more to do with her.

I too would say enough is enough but for the following reasons:

1. DD was raped at 14 yrs old, she didn't tell me about it at the time, she just went completely off the rails drink, drugs, running away, suicide attempts, violent, angry behaviour - basically on self destruct and we had no idea why. DD only told me about this some years after it happened but blames me for not supporting her through it, says I left her to turn to vodka instead of helping her even though I had no idea that this had happened to her. When I found out I begged her to get help and to tell the police but she refused saying she was over it.

2. I am raising my daughters first child who was removed by social services and placed in my care and social services insist DD has contact with her child which I have to supervise.

3. DD has another child who is, for the moment at least, still in her care and I wouldn't get to see my grandchild if I cut contact with DD.

Things had been going ok for sometime and it has been several years since I've had to phone the police on her but in the last few weeks she has lost it with her ex partner and me a few times & when she is that bad there is no way of getting through to her at all.

How do I deal with this in a way that is fair and kind but protects me and the rest of my family from the emotional stress & turmoil DD causes us all?

Gosh, that's so hard for you. Your poor DD seems to have unresolved issues. Is she getting help at all? Counselling? Parenting support?
But regardless of this, she is making life for you and her eldest unhappy. Do you or the child have a social worker?is it worth speaking with them for advice? Would that jeopardise your DD's chance or keeping her younger DC? Sorry - so many questions and no advice. I hope someone more helpful will be along to give you some useful words.

Fortunately these incidents have never taken place in front of the child in my care, she manages to keep it together until she knows they will be at school or elsewhere. What she will do instead is harass me by phone/texts calling me all the names under the sun.

I have told her she needs to get help from her GP and I think she has been put on a waiting list for something but not sure what. In the past she has self medicated with alcohol & drugs but she gave these up when pregnant with the youngest child.

Social services are aware of this latest incident and my supporitng SW is coming to see me next week but as it didn't take pmace in front of the children I'm not sure if it will affect anything.

You know it is your DD's unresolved pain and not your DD herself that is acting out this way? Emotional pain isn't reasonable. It lashes out, it blames other people, can be self destructive and generally shows up as rage. I don't know who said it, but I came across a quote the other day "I sat with my anger long enough for her to tell me her real name is grief." And I know from experience that trying to bury the experience of being raped doesn't work - and grief is exactly what we bury and it keeps rising up as anger. This kind of pain is not reasonable, it’s overwhelming - out of control. If you think of it as a small child who is hurting, lashing out - how would you treat that child? With patience, compassion, understanding, love? Your DD is in pain - can you reach within yourself, underneath the pain you are feeling and find the qualities within you that you need to bring to this so that you can be fair and kind AND protect yourself and family at the same time? It may be strength, courage, love, trust - you will know it when you find it. You can do this.