How do I start again in my 30s?

[secondarymincepie]

I'm hoping someone here has been in a similar situation and can give me some words of wisdom.
My long term partner left me at the start of the year for a woman he had been cheating on me with (for how long I have no idea, he has refused to speak to me since the day he left and has only communicated through solicitors since).
We had been together all through our twenties and as far as I knew everything was fine in our relationship, we had been planning on trying to start a family this year so the revelation that there was another woman and that he was leaving me for her was an incredible shock and initially very difficult to come to terms with.
His refusal to offer any explanation for what happened made it so much harder, I've spent months wondering why I wasn't good enough or what I did wrong, and how I could have been so blind to what was going on.

We jointly owned our house and within a fortnight of leaving he was trying to make arrangements to sell, without any discussion or agreement. Fortunately I was in a position to be able to buy him out but the whole process and his refusal to compromise or communicate with me made it an incredibly stressful and expensive process.

So now the dust has started to settle, I suppose, the shock has worn off and I'm secure in my own home. But I just feel so lost and empty. My life is so very different now to the one I had been expecting to lead.
I'm in my early thirties and all of my friends are married now, a few have kids already, others I know are trying. People keep telling me I have 'loads of time' for all of that to happen and objectively I suppose I do, but that doesn't make my biological clock tick any quieter or make me panic any less late at night when I worry that by the time I meet someone it will be too late for me to have kids.

How do you start again when your life changes so drastically? I don't even know what advice I'm looking for really, I just hope someone reading this has been in a similar situation and has found there way though.

Been there.... I’ve just turned 30 and a couple of years ago my long term boyfriend upped and left and was married to a girl he’s met 5 times within 5 months... they’ve just had a baby less than a year after they got married.

All I can say is “life goes on”.

I’ve learnt to build myself a life abd an identity and not be just so and so’s girlfriend. I have horses, hobbies, I have a few close girl friends and a couple of guy mates that I see on a regular basis.

To be honest now I struggle to remember what life was like with the ex.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve struggled, had a mental and emotional breakdown but I have managed (with help from doctors, friends and my mum) to drag myself out of my darkest days and I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been in years and years.

I’m not desperate to be with anyone, I’m quite content to stay in and read, watch tv, I have a busy life don’t rwallt have time to dwell.. and it’s ok even if you really, you are allowed to be sad but I have come to realise that life isn’t actally so terrible in your own after all.

There is plenty of time for babies and marriage if that’s what you want, and if you don’t meet anyone worthy to be the father of your children then there’s always the donor or adoption route.

Keep your chin up, I promise you from experience it is always ok in the end :)

You have got LOADS of time to meet someone better and start a family; I am sorry he treated you so badly, absolute coward.

In your position, given you were about to start trying for a family, I’d prioritise that.

So look into sperm donation/artificial insemination etc. Also a fertility healthcheck to see what kind of position you are in there.

I’d take some proper time to get my head together/heal before dating again. But I would be doing that in a focussed way- counselling, exercising, eating right, learning to meditate rather than just letting time be a healer.

When you date again, if you’re not already pregnant, have very focussed criteria- you want children and marriage/a serious relationship soon. Nothing else. You’ve got to weed out the chaff.

I think you have enough time, I don’t think you have LOADS of time. Rough rule of thumb reckoning- A year to find someone a year to date, a year to get pregnant. By that time you are what, 35 and your fertility might be waning.

If you really want kids you have to prioritise that, relationship can come after if necessary.

Sorry this has happened to you.

4 years ago I was comforting my friend (32 at the time) after a failed long term relationship/house purchase/no children. She was exactly the same as you in that she felt she'd never meet anyone ' in time' and that children were now a distant hope.

After the initial heartbreak, she threw herself in to online/offline dating. she went heavy with it! looking for someone who shared her values and wants for the future. She was pretty ruthless and didn't waste time on anyone who didn't want the same as her. She had a great time along the way!

Last year I was a bridesmaid at her wedding and next week I'll be visiting her and her beautiful baby girl.

It all worked out in the matter of a couple of years.

Good luck!

Pigeonpies - Glad to hear things worked out for your friend. I'm planning on getting back in to dating in the new year, I live in a fairly small town so it's fairly slim pickings out there but hopefully I'll have better luck online fingers crossed.

ZazieQueneau - It's so true what you say about not relying on time to be a healer. I've been trying to get myself together in a more focused way, joined slimming world (I gave in to comfort eating for a while and it took it's toll), have been exercising more etc so hopefully that will help.

Hello op. I am so sorry for what you have been through. It is utterly, utterly shit.

I haven't been through what you've been through but my best friend has. 4 years ago her long term boyfriend just decided he didn't love her anymore. He said he still wanted and planned to have kids etc but just not with her. She was 32 at the time and totally fucking broken.

It took her a while to get her life back on track and I really respected her approach. After the first 6 months of horror, she came up with a clear plan to get herself back on track - took up a new sport, made new friends etc. New sport was great for her self confidence and she went on to meet a new bloke. They had a little boy together 3 months ago .

It took work and support but she got there.

A further thought - if you k ow you want to have kids, might it be worth going for a fertility MOT? I had IVF to conceive one of my kids and was interested to see the clinic offered this. Might help? Obviously it is no guarantee, but might help a bit with some of the sleepless nights?

Work on a plan. Everything feels better with a plan in my experience.

You start again any way you like!

OP - it's shit but if I'm honest....thank your lucky stars you're so young! I've been dumped after 23 years and am in my mid 50s. I wish I'd left him years ago...like when I was in my mid to late 40s!!!

My life changes are different to yours. DC are young adults. But I can no longer afford to retire in 6 years as I (we) had planned. My round the world cruise with exH won't happen. We won't be a couple when DC marry, have kids etc.

But it is what it is. I do get the biological clock thing though....would you consider adoption, sperm donation etc.? There is more than one way to have a child.....or you could adopt my nightmare DD!

Mid to late 30s

I am in a similar position in starting again. I am 29 and 30 next June. This April my 4 year relationship broke down due to domestic violence. However, even though I know I'm better off not in the relationship it's still hard the thought of having to start over.

I've recently had an emotional breakdown but I'm now rebuilding myself - hopefully a much better version! As someone above said you need to rebuild yourself so your not 'so and so's partner'. I've very recently started yoga on a Monday night and also applied to be a special constable in my spare time. I'm also doing OLD but very casually as I don't know serious just yet. I can feel myself getting happier too - I really struggled with being alone but I'm actually enjoying it now. The thought of after a long day at work going home to walk the dog then laze around on the sofa watching what I want is great!!
You can do it, even if you feel low just remember it'll get better x

Sorry this has happened. You have done nothing wrong its just one of those things sometimes. I’ve been there -dropped like a hot potato when my exh met someone (a bunny boiler as it turned out) after 14 years married. I was 35 and thought i’d never get over it. It was a terrible shock and felt my future was snatched away. Took one step at a time became a gym bunny (my saviour for getting rid of tension and sad feelings). Went on a long holiday to China which was exciting and liberating and confidence boosting. Had bad days then realised they were fewer. Dated and got a bit hurt met someone else had ivf baby at 38 (was i infertile which contributed to break up) now happy and settled. Feel nothing for exh no bitterness at all but couldnt imagine that i could feel like that. My partner and I are happy and so much better suited. My advice be kind to yourself and do things that make you feel good. In time you’ll meet someone else and you’ll be happier. Good luck

I left a long term relationship that wasn't working as I turned 30. Did online dating, got new hobbies and let my hair down after some difficult-- and sad years. Met my now DH, got married and had DS within a couple of years. In my experience when you are a little older relationships tend to process quicker as you know yourself better and so know when something is right. And you don't have time for some of the people fools-- you might have entertained when you were younger!

I know if must feel daunting, especially with what you've been through, but this really an exciting time full of possibilities for you, so enjoy it!

Sorry no idea what happened with the strike through. That's not meant to be there

Sorry for you, secondarymincepie. These things are so hurtful. Unfortunately, part of life. Better it happened before you tied the knot! Though saying that may not help the hurt.

I'm so glad you were able to buy him out of your house.

You are young and in an excellent position to start again - the future may hold many interesting surprises for you! Please don't get too serious with someone too soon, enjoy the journey. You're an independent woman and your new life starts now!

All the very best.

I met my husband when I was 30 and had DD at 37.
Up until then I hadn't had a really serious relationship as working too hard and often away in different cities so hard to commit.

I often think that women should have a man for every decade. The man you meet in your 20's might not be the guy you want in your 30's.

You have plenty of time. Get your heels on and bright lipstick and good luck x

I'm in a similar situation too, I'm 32 and split up with my boyfriend of 2 years a couple of months ago after I found out he'd cheated on me with planned visits to escorts and a gang bang. He became emotionally abusive after I confronted him and I knew I had to end the relationship. Now I think he has some kind of personality disorder looking back. We had talked about having a child in a year or so, spending the rest of our lives together. Since the break up happened I've also had similar thoughts to you re: will I find someone in time to have children with and it has made me feel a bit anxious as well. It's hard when others your age are settling down as you say. I've tried to think to myself why worry about it because I can't change it, what will be will be. All I can do as another poster said is be ruthless with future dating. Try to be positive, I mean look at Meghan Markle she was single at 35 and now she's married to a prince with a baby on the way, so it totally can happen. Personally, I don't see sperm donation as an option for me because my ex boyfriend, the one I just split up with had been a sperm donor years ago and has 15 children. I had known this for a while and after feeling a bit uncomfortable at first I was prepared to go through the upheavel this might have caused in the future because I loved him and he gave joy to many others. However, now I know the real him, the emotionally abusive one who has little regard for women the thought of us having children together makes me feel sick. Personally I would want to know who I was having children with, even if it is just a genetic thing. I didn't used to think that way but after this relationship I do.