Dreading Christmas

[julietrosalind]

I’m probably putting this in the wrong place but I don’t want to intrude upon other excited mnettters christmases!

I don’t even know why I am posting this but I feel desperately alone and I feel so hopeless and helpless. I think for most of my life I’ve had something positive to strive towards that Haskell me going but now I feel so flat.

m am a lone parent, I have been ever since I ended the relationship with the kids’ dad which is now nearly twenty years ago. I was determined to build a good life for us which I have done with a well paid and responsible job. I am proud of this in some ways, in others it feels a little of an anti climax - as in I have worked for it but when I look around me others seem to be happier. I don’t know if that even makes sense, just that I sometimes feel I backed the wrong horse in trying to rely on myself and me.

My relationship with my parents broke down completely after I had my daughter, and fifteen months later my mum died and my dad met another woman and more or less cut my brother and myself off entirely. As such the period when my children were little was very lonely but I got used to that.

My children are now grown, dd has a partner and job she loves and I feel like I’m losing her. DS has autism. He hates Christmas.

I used to have a lot of friends but within the last year they have drifted and I don’t think I feel close to any of them now. I feel invisible to be honest.

I don’t know if anyone can empathise or help. I don’t need to be at work as everything has finished but I don’t want to go home and just be with DS either which is awful

Christmas can be the shittiest time when you are feeling low. In the past I've just ignored it as best I can and gotten through the day.

You sound like you've done a great job bringing up your kids and putting them first but I think you now need to build more of a life for yourself. Do you want to meet someone? Do you want to get a new hobby? I would make a list of things that you want to do and tackle it from there.

Loneliness is awful OP, Xmas highlights what other people seem to have doesn't it. I agree it sounds like you have done an amazing job for your family and perhaps need to focus now on yourself . We tend to be more dependent on people when we only have a few, I don't think you are 'losing' your daughter, it sounds ad though she's off doing normal stages of adulthood, but I appreciate when she feels all you have it becomes an exaggerated emotion.

I fell seriously ill in my mid 20s (now 30s) and friends have all drifted now or are off living life, and I'm NC with parents (who, prior to a diagnosis, stated I was pretending to be ill and was just lazy) so I really empathise. I dont have many options to be hobest but am housebound so cant travel or really join in anyway. I try to make the day enjoyable by eating whatever I want, watching whatever I want and remembering it's just a day. It's an adjustment because I love festivities/Xmas traditions and not being able to have any does hurt, as does the lack of cards and gifts but it's no reflection on you OP, just a set of circumstances, and circumstances can change.

What do you think you want help with OP? suggestions of how to meet people, or ways to deal with the emotions of it all?
I do empathise though, you aren't alone.

Oh OP I'm sorry you feel so low. I can empathise to a degree because I'm also Nc with parents but my son (has learning difficulties and other MH issues) loves Xmas. But I've been thinking this year "what if he meets a partner and then I'll be totally on my own on Xmas day" and it's a difficult thought.

Not sure of your DS's degree of autism but can you designate another day (eg the 27th) as boardgame day, xbox day, netflix day, anything you can enjoy together with no pressure?

Thank you user - it’s so hard because yes, I would love to meet someone. But I have been alone for a long time and I don’t reach out, I know I don’t. I keep people at a distance (apart from my children) because I am afraid of being hurt again and in particular rejection scares me. I don’t even know where to start with this.

dontgo, I don’t honestly know! I have tried to enjoy Christmas by making it about other people so buying toys to donate to the toy bank and food for the food bank but there is a petulant teenager pouting and saying ‘but what about meeeee’ inside me! I mean, I can cope easily enough with the day, that really is the easy part. It’s the before. It’s the sense of another year wasted and I am being unfair on myself as I have actually done a lot this year - been promoted to a new position with much better money and organised the letting of a flat that was left to my brother and I and so on. But I haven’t achieved anything in terms of human relationships which is why I posted here I suppose.

Thanks not

DS ... he is complex he has never got into Christmas. I don’t mind that. He isn’t interested in decorations or Christmas films (his taste is horror, gory, violent horror ) or anything really. He also fixates on things and I know, it’s just autism, but at the moment he is determined to be a doctor. It’s not realistic but he has decided and keeps writing personal statements for universities to consider. It’s hard being caught between being encouraging and realistic but he won’t listen to realism.

He can also lull you into a false sense of security with his general demeanour; you think he’s okay and then suddenly everything bubbles up. He has had a number of strange episodes this year. I can’t see him living independently really. But he has depression and anxiety and this does transmit to me. But the main problem is simply that he’s in a different universe and I just can’t help him.