Close friend blowing hot and cold

[OldChair]

Does anyone else have experience with this or advice? I’m finding it really hard to deal with at times.

R is probably my best friend day to day. It’s unusual for more than two days to pass without a decent messenger chat, and we see each other at least once a week, often more, just the two of us.

R can be pretty intense at times; it’s not unusual to get 5 - 6 messages a day starting new conversations, the topics range from funny chat to heavy stuff, and some days if I don’t reply i’ll get a few more messages until I do.

Then - every now and then some days my messages aren’t even responded to at all, sometimes for days, they are busy when I suggest a meet up etc and I’m left wondering what’s going on until it’ll loop back to frequent, often intense, contact again.

It’s really playing with my head - not knowing what’s going on day by day, not knowing if it’ll be an intense day or a day of being ignored- and making me anxious.

I don’t even mind being in touch less I just want to know.

Does anyone have any advice?

And on the intense days the follow up messages come quickly ie last week I was away from my phone for two hours and came back to three new messages

OP - why is this causing you anxiety? is your friend a romantic interest, or something you’d mke to tip into romance?

I have loads of friends who will read a text and not reply for hours or even days, they’re just busy.

I’d understand if the situation were romantic because I’d be wondering what the other person was playing at but in terms of friends maybe widen your net so that you’re not so focused on the one friend?

The problem is you're in love with them him

Sounds like a guaranteed headfuck for you.

Read this: www.psychalive.org/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship/

and this: aloftyexistence.wordpress.com/2011/02/09/anxious-avoidant-trap/

and this: www.lifeadvancer.com/avoidant-attachment-style/

Ha! You’ve got me. It is a man. I think I wrote the op gender neutral on purpose to test whether it sounds normal to feel like that about a normal friend but I guess not!

It is really really tough - like literally I wake up most mornings and wonder is it going to be an intense day or a day of nothing?

I need to be less available but finding it tough as really hate the multiple messages when I don’t reply

Oh those links have hit me between the eyes especially about fearful avoidant attachment!

Arg I need to grow a backbone and get out of this situation, just need to figure out how

OP - does your guy not want a relationship? Could you give us more context on this? If he believes it’s just a friendship then I don’t think he’s really doing anything wrong. If your dating him and he’s behaving this way I’d kick him to the kerb.

My ex was very similar to this, he ran away from those that loved him the most and when he told me why yesterday it all made sense

I'd actually missed that it could be a guy!

It's so simple OP. Just block everywhere and move on. No relationship should ever make you feel that level of anxiety.

Yes, these behaviours are classics for creating addictive attachment - often done unconsciously. It’s such an illusion because there is never going to be any carrot for you, it’s just being permanently dangled/whisked away/dangled - there is no positive solution, it’s like a toxic dance.

Sorry OP pressed send too soon. My guy has deep rooted childhood issues which he admitted to me this week, explains a lot but doesn’t excuse his behaviour.

If I’m being brutal he just doesn’t seem that interested, maybe there’s someone else? You just need to be honest with yourself and move on imo.

You can’t be friend with someone you’re in love with, it’s a recipe for distaster and it’s not fair on either of you, certainly not if he is attached to someone else