Do I leave or make it work with my marriage

[Jules19811]

I met my husband 17 years ago and been married for 12 years and over the years my husband has controlled my life. I met him in my last year of uni and I got pregnant straight away and he wanted me to leave but at the time I made myself finish the degree. From then I wasn't allowed to continue my career and whenever I look for work it was seen as a bad thing as I should be at home looking after the kids. He has his own business and feels I shouldn't need to work. Over the years I feel he has controlled everything I have done. He is very insecure and he has cheated in the past and his reasons is that he has a sex addiction. I do know that sex is important to him as it's something he needs everyday or else he gets angry and moody. He demands alot in sex to the point he wanted me to meet someone so that we could do threesome. Eventually this year I allowed him to find someone for me to meet through a dating site. I went through with it and ended up meeting the guy quite often and texting each other. For the last 11 months i have seen the guy on and off as he did meet someone else and didnt want to fall for me as he knew im married. The last two months we have seen each other again and more as he is single now and my husband was hoping to get what he wanted from this. But now my husband has realised I have feelings for this guy. He has been tracking my phone for the last year so he knows what I text to people and where i go. I feel ive had enough and we ended up arguaring and I said I feel it's over between us. He says he can change his controlling ways and has gone to seek help. He is now telling me that I need to stop seeing this guy because we need to work on each other or else he is going to leave. I feel scared as we have three kid, a mortgage and I don't work. Do I stay and try to make it work because I don't want to hurt my children.

Staying for the children is rarely if ever a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one.

His excuses made for his behaviour i.e. sex addiction is utter crap and he has denigrated you accordingly as well. He is both a bully and your abuser.

Your children are already being emotionally harmed because they see you as their mother being totally controlled i.e. abused by their dad. This is no relationship model at all to be modelling to them.

Would you want this for them as adults, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Womens Aid can and will help you leave your abusive H here, you really do need to call them urgently and plan your exit from this with care and due diligence.

He has been tracking my phone for the last year so he knows what I text to people and where i go^

Holy hell really?

Yes he hacks my phone knows all the conversations I have on WhatsApp and messenger and uses find my phone to trace where I go. He even uses my internet history to know what I've been looking at too.

What a horrible toxic and upsetting relationship to be stuck in; can only urge you to get out, it's never too late; you can't make anything work, the man is an abuser and will not change; you have to be the one who changes but getting the fuck away from him; he will end up totally destroying you, he's doing a pretty good job already.

You have one life OP, why waste it on someone who is so fucked up in the head he makes you have sex with other men; deprives you of any happiness and controls your every move, it's not normal.

No leave now! He won’t change. What he means by you need to concentrate on each other is you need to do exactly as I want and I need to find ways to make sure I can continue controlling you.

I guarantee you have a threesome he will then use this as a way to punish you and an excuse to cheat.

My children do not know how he treats me as he is good at hiding it. When we are out with family and friends he is very over the top with cuddles, which makes it harder because everyone around me thinks we are the perfect couple and that we dont have problems. He is continuously texting me to make sure I'm ok throughout the day and if I don't reply he thinks I'm meeting this guy without him knowing. He has a lot of trust issues with me and ive never done nothing behind his back to cause this.

Who cares what he thinks, he's a psychopath; they all do that in front of people, it's a sham, and who cares if everyone outside your marriage thinks he's Mr Fucken Wonderful, he clearly is not, time to make plans to go, nothing else to talk about.

Thank you I know what I need to do. I know I just need the strength to be independent like I was before I met him, which was a long time ago.

OP, you know the answer to this question. This is no life for you to be leading and of course DC will notice what is going on. This will become their normal for relationships. My DH's father was very controlling and DH had some very odd ideas when we first met. He is a decent person who changed his behavior but his early imprint was terrible.

I told him its over that i cant take it anymore. He has packed and left. He has begged and cried to stay saying he can change and doesn't want to leave the kids. I feel so guilty.

Please dont feel guilty he is manipulating you. Part for the sake of your mental health and your children. You deserve better and so do they. Think about what you would think if it was happening to a dear friend?. What would you advise? Get a job if you can for future independence. This is not how a relationship should be

He sounds awful and this is no way for you to live. Stay strong OP

Thank God he has gone. Don't feel at ALL guilty. You've done your time in jail, and now it's time to start living again. Your husband sounds incredibly abusive and unpleasant. Be glad it's over and don't look back.