Is this normal?

[GetsIt]

Hi,
I have a chequered past with relationships (they've all been crap, last one was incredibly emotionally abusive, occasionally physical.) I am now with a lovely, good man. He respects me and our daughter and is generally a good sort. He works long hours and can occasionally be grumpy but that is it. I think we're happy.

My issue is... Me! If OH appears to be remotely grumpy, I immediately think it's me and that I have to fix it. I then find myself repeatedly asking what the matter is, if they're OK.... Over and over.

I also have this incredible knack of winding myself up internally to the point I'm in a state over absolutely nothing, mainly because in my head I'm convincing myself OH is going to get fed up with me/cheat etc etc....or that I've done something wrong. I rarely mention this as I realise its me being loopy.

I think my main issue is that I'm scared of being happy and things going well because I'm convinced they're going to go wrong so it's best to expect it.

I'd like to stress that we have a good relationship, he's a good bloke and there really isn't any need for me to feel this way, I think it's mainly due to my past (relationships and family related)

Is anybody else like this? Does anyone have any advice?

I could have written this, OP. Didn't want to read and run, I have no advice, but you're not alone.

I'm working on my own self confidence for exactly this reason, I often ask myself "whether I am enough", I think due to my own experiences in the past. I am trying to accept myself, and I think I am getting there, slowly.

Hi to you,I’m new here but wanted to add I’m exactly the same with similar background.Im an emotional/physical wreck and am seeing a counsellor for this it’s got so bad,first session is Tuesday.It has everything to do with these mindfucking relationships with these abusive “men”.Please don’t blame yourself x

Thankyou both for replying..... Glad I'm.not the only one!

Thing is I'm so confident with every other aspect of my life except relationships!

It's like a destruct button that we try to push on ourselves isn't it

I have been like this.

I’m a long way down the road now and have realised I am actually hardwired to nurture. I always want people to be ok. My DP likes this, I do have concern for him, I like to make him happy.

Here’s the thing, this type of personality is vulnerable to be abused. But what I think now is that so long as I’m in a healthy relationship, I can ‘be myself’ and enjoy the part of life where I nurture others and it’s really only about not being with someone who will abuse this part of you.

Don’t change if you are naturally caring, just make sure it’s not wasted on an asshole

I was like this! Still am sometimes! No abusive relationships but I do suffer mild OCD and am a real people pleaser!

My husband is lovely but sometimes grumpy and if he is, I ALWAYS assume it's my fault! It is not!

Now I ask if he is ok. And if i get a grumpy yes, I take it as a yes. He has a grumpy resting face!

If it turns out he is not ok then I can ask what is bothering him. I can help him with whatever it is.

If it turns out it genuinely is me, and he has said it was not me (does occasionally happen), I am actually quite cross and say so. Because for him to be upset with me and not explain why is actually kind of passive aggressive thing!

So then we have to start over with genuine answers, are you upset, yes, why, you were rude to me because XYZ... Then I adress what he has said, apologise or necessary and we move on.

It takes practise but it works!