Advice needed.

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Hello,

I'm new to these forum's so not entirely sure what I'm doing but hoping some lovely person will be able to give me some advice on my issue. It's not something I can really discuss with close family or friends as I'm worried they won't be so understanding.

I've been with my boyfriend now for nearly three years. We both live together, and I'd say we are in a normal, loving relationship. Both make each other very happy! I'm very much for marriage and kids, my partner however isn't 100%. He believes marriage Is religious and as he isn't he just doesn't particularly get it amongst other reasons. As for kids, I just don't think he's ready for that sort of commitment just yet.
I believe that his mind will be changed when he's ready though, and we are both on the same page with timeframes and things. Although I'm 100% and he isn't quite yet we both know that if was ever to happen it would be In a few years yet.

So my main issue is this...my boyfriends younger brother has just got himself a girlfriend. He is absolutely besotted with her, and quite literally worships the ground she walks on. At the moment it appears theres nobody in the world besides her and he literally talks about her every minute of every day. The latest thing is, he's going to propose to her next year. This is obviously great and of course I am over the moon for him even though it is all very quick but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that one tiny part of me is dying inside.

Everytime he speaks to me he tells me all his plans for her, he's shown me the ring already, he's told me where he's going to propose, how he's going to do it, the lot! and of top of this he keeps repeating to me 'that when you know, you just know' This then obviously brings me back to my own relationship and I can't help feeling slightly envious that my boyfriend doesn't appear to just know im 'the one'. I want to be engaged, and married to my boyfriend so badly and all this is just really getting to me. I want to be happy for them, and I know I sound so so horrible, and bitter and jealous but I can't help how I feel.

We've been together 3 years and they've been together a month and I can't help thinking that me and my boyfriend should be talking about these things more so than them. I just feel like its all being rubbed in my face a little bit. On top of marriage, he's discussed having kids with her and moving into a big family home in the next few months. This is all great for them, but when you and your boyfriend are just sorting out your careers, barely have any money and are still in talks about the possibility of marriage and kids it just makes you feel abit crap when your being told more or less everyday about proposals, the extravagant things he's buying for her, all the plans they have, big houses they are apparently going to buy etc etc ....

Im aware anyone reading this is going to think I'm such a mean person and believe me I hate myself for feeling this way but If anyone could give me any advice on how I could deal with this, that would be much appreciated. Thanks.

A month? Little brother is an idiot to be planning his whole life around someone he's been with a month! They both are. I have cheese in my fridge longer than that! They don't know each other. They're wrapped up in lust, not lasting love. Quick marraiges sometimes work out, but personally I think that's done to luck. Usually they don't. Don't be happy for them, be concerned. They have no money, but planning big house etc. It's all lust filled pie in the sky.

However I'd be concerned that your dp isn't interested in being married and you are. The whole marraiges are religious thing is just an excuse. Most people I know had non religious weddings. It's a commitment. Both romantically and legally. Religion doesn't have to come into it. You need to find out if he ever wants to be married as a show of commitment.

And also hoping someone will change their minds about kids is risky. Wanting him to change his mind is not going to make it happen. That's sticking your head in the sand because you love him and don't want to admit you have different plans.

You say your time plans are the same. But your plans are for wedding and kids in a few years. His are MAYBE wedding and MAYBE kids in a few years. That's a HUGE difference!

You aren't on the same page at all if he is not interested in commitment and you are. There are so many threads here where boyfriends start out "not 100%" into marriage and children, but vaguely suggest that they might one day - or the gf thinks they probably will - and then surprise, surprise, ten years later there's still no ring or child and the boyfriend is making it clearer and clearer that no, he really does not want either.

Are you sure the vaguely positive noises he's making are not just him wanting to keep his current comfy life and not have you moan at him?

The younger brother could be setting himself up for a nasty fall, I would just nod and smile!

How old are you?

Doesn't really matter though. You are fooling yourself about your boyfriend's commitment to you. Is there any hard evidence whatsoever of your boyfriend treating you as his forever partner?

I wouldn't be too confident that the brother's romance is going to end in hearts, flowers and wedding rings. It's way too early. Id say the same about yours (not that it's too early, but the signs aren't good). If your bf says he's not religious, how about a civil partnership?

The marriage being religious thing is an excuse. You know this right? As you can have an entirely non religious ceremony (I did). Don’t tell me he thinks it’s just a bit of paper too (which it isn’t).

A month is way too early though, they don’t even know each other. That’s just crazy.

Don’t confuse the two things. You need to look at your partner’s commitment. Please don’t assume he wants the same thing as you.

Your boyfriends little brother sounds very immature.

I'm not sure how old you are but if you're in your 20s+ then whilst your boyfriend may change his mind...it might not be for 10+ years. He may never want marriage and kids.

But that isn't the same as not thinking you're the "one".

I have been with my DP for 4 or so years and have no interest in any of those things. With anyone. But it's not to do with how I feel about my partner whatsoever.

However, if this is the case then you are very basically incompatible as it is probably important to you to do these things. If your boyfriend doesn't want these things then you need to have a serious and honest chat and he needs to tell you how he actually feels about it. If he is very unsure or knows he doesn't want those things then stop wasting your time with him.

Unless you're very young. In which case it's probably just normal for him not to want those things for a few years at least....But even then a lot of young men and women in their late teens know they do want kids and to be married yadda yadda

Oh and agree re: civil partnership if he isn't keen on some of the cultural connotations of marriage

Thanks for all your messages - taking them all onboard.
I am 27, and he is 28 so I feel like we are both at a reasonable age to be discussing these sorts of things.

He has actually mentioned cvil partnership funnily enough. He brought it up randomly a few weeks ago but I sort of just ignored it because I don't know enough about it?

Are you sure he is the one for you? It's definitely not that you think 27/28 would be a good age to marry and start a family, and he's pretty OK? Not throwing any doubts on your intentions just remembering me at that age

I would be very careful about assuming you're on the same path/wavelength as your bf. You appear to just be assuming he'll come round to the idea of marriage and kids eventually. This doesn't always happen - in fact it quite often doesn't.

There have been plenty of threads on here with posters who have always wanted marriage and have ended up waiting years and years and realise late on that it's never going to happen, and they feel cheated. Sometimes they're been led on by their partners and sometimes they were just deluding themselves.

If it's something that's important to you, then don't assume he's going to change his mind. Listen to what he says now, not what you want him to say in the future.

Find out about civil partnership if that would suit you as well, but fgs, treat what he says as the truth and what is being offered, not hang hopes on him having an epiphany.

27/28? Oh dear. Don't muck about. Get this all out in the open no matter how horrible it might be.

Tell him straight out that you want to get married and have two children before you are 32, which means marriage next year and baby 1 the year after (or whatever scenario matches what you actually want). See what he says.