should i speak to PILs or not?

[Fortythreeandfatasfuck]

Hello MN'ers, I am in two minds about the best course of action and need some outside perspective on this if anyone has some.

I have quite a fraught relationship with PILs, huge backstory but in a nutshell I find them very cold, unloving to their DS (my DH) in that they never contact us, expect all of the contact etc to come from our end and in the nearly 8 years that my DS has been on this planet they have never had him for even half an hour on his own, taken him out, had him overnight, offered to babysit etc - they are rubbish and in the beginning I went out of my way to try and 'force' them to be the grandparents I wanted for DS (not helped by the fact that my DM died suddenly when DS was 6months old) so inviting them for tea etc, but it made no difference and for my own sanity i had to lower my expectations and started to stop being a bloody doormat, I felt better about this and accepted they would never be interested and it was their loss, even though it made me very sad for DS.

Fast forward a couple of years and I'm noticing more and more on the odd occasions that we do see them that they'll mention ringing and visiting older grandchildren (their daughters children) and even ringing and taking out a foster child that their daughter had for a couple of years. This has really upset me and brought all those old feelings back again and asking myself why are they not interested in my DS :( I'm actually really angry and upset about it.

I have managed to bite my tongue as DS has always been present and I don't want him realising his grandparents give not 1 shit about him, but i don't know where to go from here? I mentioned to DH about having a chat with them but he is understandably defensive of his parents which has caused a couple of arguments, his mum is one of those women that no one ever confronts / argues against as she's a proper stroppy cow and in all honesty I think they are scared of her and she will just sulk for weeks. But my instinct is to say enough is enough, lack of interest and support I have come to terms with but favouritism of grandchildren is just heartbreaking, DS is starting to ask why nana and granddad don't pick him up from school or why he doesn't have sleepovers etc and I'm not prepared to lie to him to make them seem better.

But I don't know, it could just make things worse, and really, if they did want to spend time with him they would just be imposing their bigoted, narrow minded opinions on him, so maybe he's better off not spending time with such unloving cold people? I think my ideal of a nana which he has never had because my DM died is blurring things for me, but I don't know if I'm actually angry at them, or if I'm just angry that my mum died and she would have been such a different nana?

I don't want this to be an ongoing issue with me and DH either, but I also think he's a fucking spineless shit for not pulling them up on it - arghh, what should I do and how do I reconcile these feelings in me that are genuinely upsetting me.

If you've got this far, thank you, sorry for rambling...

You won’t be able to change them so to be honest I wouldn’t waste my energy.
Maybe ask for this to be moved to the relationship board?
There is lots of people with knowledge on toxic relationships and the ‘golden child’ scenario that may be your sil (and by extension her children) on that board and you might get more help there.
But basically it’s them, not you, they’ve missed out, not you/your son x

Sorry for the random kiss I was I text mode

thanks for the reply hip and the random kiss I'll ask if it can be moved to relationships, cheers....

This is pretty much my scenario to an extent (my DM died when DS was 5mo, MIL favours certain grandchildren who aren't even local to her, and my DS is constantly asking to see his nanny)

The difference between us tho is my DH see's it and pulls his own DM up on it rather than me... I have no advice other than talk to your DH and spell it out?

Hi, we're moving this over to the Relationships topic at the OP's request.

Thanks Mumsnet for moving it :)

pepsi its heartbreaking isn't it? What do they do when your DH pulls them up on it?

I wish my DH would stand up to them, he's resigned to the fact that nothing will come of it, they won't change so why bother, but the protective rage I feel for my DS is overwhelming sometimes and I feel maybe I need to let it out or I'll explode - I wish I was a calmer person...

We are in the same situation, had a blow out at one point, has never been mentioned since but we are really low contact with them now. Not even once a year. Made easier because they live 4 hours away. I had ideas of a gp role too based on my grandparents and also the fact that my mum lives abroad. Eventually I parked it and just get on without them. My DS knows no different as they don't miss what they never had.

hmmm shalom I think this is what DH is worried about, that we'll end up having a ding dong but that nothing will actually change which will probably wind me up even more!! its just rubbish all round isn't it for you

Ni, I don;t think you should speak to them. You can't make them become the type of grandparents that you want them to be. They are obviously rubbish GP's but I'm not sure that confronting them will make any difference.

I think you just need to accept that your DS will never have the relationship with them that you would like and move on.

Have you ever asked them to babysit or look after your DS?

I think you are right hilary I just need to work on how i stop feeling angry and hurt...

poppy we were told by a close family friend when I was pregnant that MIL said "well I hope they don't think I'll be babysitting for them" so no, I have never asked them, I'm not prepared to force someone to spend time with him if they don't want to.

Maybe a bit of plain speaking around the table would help. You'd be surprised at what comes out. Lots of parents of grown up children and of grandchildren are afraid, therefore inhibited, of showing how much they love their offspring, also their children's offspring. They put up a front to protect themselves from hurt.

Give it a try.

Honestly I don't think I'd say anything . What's to be gained really. A) they will either unlikely that they will try a bit harder but would you really want him going to peoples house who are doing it under difference. B) most likely they will deny it and put it back on you and you will end up lower contact than before. Which your Dh doesn't want.
If it was me I'd go as low contact as possible and when I would meet them I'd let my son be as distant as he wanted to be.. if you had any aunties etc that you could take pics with I'd passively aggressively post pics of my son with lots of people who love him and show them what they've missed out on.

rachel i really don't think its that... but you never know I suppose??

thanks amaried I've gone pretty low contact so if I can avoid them I will, but they are DH's parents and we sometimes have to have them over for dinner, usually with other family members (when I am very polite) maybe I just pull them up on it every time they mention something.... and yes, maybe I should adopt the reap what you sow mindset and let DS not interact if he doesn't want to...

I think I'm verging on not bringing it up as its futile...

I would not bother at all speaking to his parents because this is who they are and they will not change. Its not your fault nor your H's that they are like this (their own families did that to them).

Your husband has come from a dysfunctional family of origin and that dynamic certainly predates your arrival. He grew up within this and people from such families end up playing roles. It seems too that his sister is favoured in that family so she is the "golden child" (itself a role not without price). As a result your H is the scapegoat and on a wider level sadly all his family unit become scapegoated.

Whilst unacceptable on some level (you likely come from an emotionally healthy family so I can see your point of view here) I can sort of get why he has himself never addressed this with his parents. This is because he is mired in his own fear, obligation and guilt re them and he will need help from a therapist to unravel it. He may not ever want to do that. He probably still seeks their approval on some level too, he is that afraid of them. One or other of his parents readily enables the other here and that person cannot be at all relied upon either.

I would reaffirm and reassess your own boundaries here with regards to his parents, you do not have to host them for any dinners for instance. Say no more to that. You people need life affirming role models, not drains and bigots in your lives. I would consider reading "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward to further understand the dynamics.

wow atilla thanks for your reply, maybe I should get my DH to read it? I understand its difficult for him to confront them, but every time he doesn't he sort of goes down in my estimation a bit, but your post has made me realise this is really unfair of me :(

The problem is DH wants to see them every now and again for dinner and whilst I'd rather not, how can I tell him no? So i just need to grin and bear it... thanks for the book tip, i'm off to google it

He reading my reply may be a step too far for him; this sort of getting out of the FOG takes an awful lot of processing and time. He also needs to look at his boundaries again with regards to his parents.

I would also point your DH in the direction of the Out of the Fog website and encourage him also to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

He may well want to keep a relationship of sorts going with them (again because of his own fear, obligation and guilt) but that does not automatically mean you have to do so. If you do not want them to dinner then you do not have to host them. I would also point out to him that he is doing the running re them here every single time because they do not contact you people. They were not good parents to him when he was growing up and sadly they are not good models of grandparents or inlaws to your child and you respectively. It is NOT your fault they are like this, neither your DH or you made them this way.

thanks attila I have downloaded the book and started to read, I'm hoping the scripts in the second section will help me...

You are so right, they were not good parents to him and sadly MiL reminds everyone at any opportunity how much she didn't want kids - bitch - whilst she looked after him well growing up and met his basic needs etc, made sure he could cook and clean whatever, the love has never been there especially from her but also FiL (he's a spineless git mostly) so yes, it is not our fault...

I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply, it has helped me tremendously...

Recently my MIL was on the phone talking about our nieces and nephews going for tea at hers once a week. We live a few blocks away, minutes walk and she doesn't do the same for mine.

Anyway my DH said you know our kids ask about when they are going to see you next? And we have to bring them to you to acknowledge them? Why not invite ours for tea?

Anyway she did once and not much more but DH is fed up with her. At least I know I can say things without DH getting upset with me.

Is your DF still alive?

that's awful pepsi, how can they reject them so easily? but great that your DH can confront them

Yes my DF is still alive and is the best grandad to DS, unfortunately I moved 200 miles away so we don't see him as often as we would like, the irony (as always) is that the ILs are literally 10mins down the road!

But when we do see my DF we end up having weekends together and we go on holiday at least once a year together, so DS gets to spend quality time with him, my mum would have loved him so much and spoiled him rotten :( i'm hopeful that his lasting memory of grandparents is that of my dad :)

Hooray for your Dad

I think this is very sad but as you said yourself, why would you want your young son to be exposed to this sort of cruelty? To be near such horrible people?

I would wildly lower your expectations. And hopes. Expect the worst, which you get. And see them as little as possible.

Spend the time on trying to see your dad as much as possible .

Family are odd. My MIL dotes on my DD but only if we go to her.
She is 11 months old and MIL has been to our house twice.
She even expected us to drive to see her after I'd had an emergency C-section.
She never asks about DD and barely has a relationship with my DH.
I would never go again but I don't want to make that decision for my DH, he always hopes she will change.
Sadly I think it's wishful thinking. X

My MIL is exactly like this. Lives close, but never picks up the phone, hardly ever visits, has never taken the children out anywhere or done anything for them, yet moans constantly that she never sees them! Go figure. I just don’t care anymore. My parents are awesome grandparents. Her loss.

I feel for you OP have been in that same boat with my son. I just gave up expecting anything from both maternal and paternal grandparents toward him. It isn’t really fun to experience but I’m so fortunate to have a sister who truly is a wonderful aunt to him spending considerable time,travel and $.