DD's tell me I'm selfish for wanting to leave

[Zoe64]

Hi, my DP and I have 2 children, 12 and 15 and have been living together for over 16 years. The last few years, we have been separated but in the same house. This is mainly due to me not being able to accept the way he treats / talks to me and I feel that he has been emotionally abusing me for years. He has refused to talk things through despite me making several attempts so now we just live in the house together, with the kids, in what I feel is a very hostile environment. He still digs at me, criticises and undermines me and is quick to start shouting if I argue back. He's ok towards the DDs but its all on his terms - he doesn't do much for them but likes to play computer games or watch films with them. So, after another morning of him shouting in my face over nothing much, I received a call from my DDs school to say that she had been upset at school because of her Dad shouting. I decided that this living together wasn't working and that it was upsetting the children to live like this. After refusing to move out of the house before and telling me that I should go, I knew that he would only agree to selling the house. Therefore I offered him that we sell the house and split the money and that the DDs would come with me. He is not happy so I will need to get a solicitor to carry this through.

However, I have now told the DDs of my plan to sell and buy us a nice house together and their Dad will buy one separately. I completely underestimated how upset they would be. I assumed that they see us living separate lives in a bad atmosphere and would even be relieved to see this sorted. I even thought that they might be understanding considering that they have seen and heard the way he is towards me. But no - they have both said that me and DP are as bad as each other, both angry and mean towards each other and that they have accepted this. They said that I was only thinking of myself and my needs by planning to leave and being selfish. They don't want to leave the house or their Dad.

So now I'm not too sure what to do. Carry on regardless and hope it will be ok in the end or just give up? If the DDs honestly think that this situation is fine then should I just put up with it?. I really don't want to do what's best for me at all. I just want my DDs to be happy.Thanks

Carry thro your plan and sell the house and split up properly.

Otherwise this is your ds normal, they’re learning that this is a normal relationship and it isn’t. It’s an unhealthy dynamic and you shouldn’t expose yourself to it.

You will find also that as time goes on they will copy their father in the way they treat you and treat you with the same contempt.

Move out everyone will be happier living in a peaceful environment.

You may also benefit from family therapy with your dc if you can afford it. Your dc have been affected by living in a toxic environment.

agree with fuzzywuzzy. and also, you sacrificed enough years for the sake of your dds. they will have to understand.

You must get away from this abusive piece of shit, your children have been so damaged by it they think it’s oretty normal for men to be abusive, if you’ve any chance of showing them how fucked up this relationship is then now’s your chance to try and reverse all that damage. Sorry to sound harsh but you have a duty as a parent to stop this situation to give them a good future, and by the way you also matter and are entitled d to have a life free of aggression and put downs!

Carry on with your plan. It's not a matter of everyone getting a vote! They can decide afterwards who they want to live with. So long as your door is open, they have the choice.

Your DDs don’t have to live with him, so whilst they may be upset at you, it’s really not their call, teenagers can be very selfish and it takes a bit more maturity and sometimes a few relationships themselves to realise life isn’t black and white

Agree with PPs about how you're teaching your DDs what relationships are. They will either replicate his behaviour or accept being treated lik shit, leave, they will be fine once you're settled and they will be happier in the long run in a more peaceful environment

My friend bought a 3 storey terrace, she lived on the top, her children were in the middle and her exhusband was in the basement. All worked well - so well eventually her boyfriend moved in to the top floor with her.
A agree that its not healthy for the children to see this as 'normal' - but maybe consider other options like two semi-detached houses etc.

Yeah great idea stay next door to the man that abuses you 🤨

FFs do not buy a house with this man.

he is abusive enough.

Get the hell away form him and build yourself a peaceful and happy life for yourself and your DD's.

Your STBXH can find his own place to live.

Please please carry on. This was my situation growing up and it was awful. I was still devastated and angry with my mum when she finally ended things. Our relationship was rocky for a few years (not fair on my mum at all but I was 12 and immature) but great relationship overall. They might be hurt and angry with you but they'll know whose fault it really is. They just don't get to be angry at the other parent.

Thank you for your replies - I really need the encouragement! I've been trying to leave him for years but always back down. I know deep down I'm doing the right thing.

My parents split up when I was 15. They constantly argued and I hated it. However, when they told me they were getting divorced I was devastated and so angry. 6 months later I was over it and agreed it was the right decision.