Advice needed - is this how my life is going to be?

[totallyfedup]

Sorry for the long post but could do with some advice.

DP and I have been together for nearly 10 years, most of these he has had a drink problem I wouldn't say he's an alcoholic as he can go weeks without drinking but when he does have a drink he can't stop and gets all loud and aggressive. Whilst drunk he has done some stupid things like drive (banned twice), text and phone flirt with other women (he has denied ever cheating on me but I'm not so sure), got into fights, been mugged and been violent towards me (only once but I did start it though!)

He knows he is a problem drinker nad his solution now is that he drinks on a Saturday night starting at about 9pm so he's mostly drunk when I have gone to bed. The next day he is a complete waste of space though and the day is ruined for me.

His line is that he is in his own house and is no longer doing any of the stupid things he used to, I would like him to completely give up drinking he said he would when DD arrived but of course he hasn't. He grew up with an alcoholic father and has vivid memories of thinking his Dad was dead when he was passed out. I do not want DD to grow up seeing her father drunk.

Am I being unreasonable? I've asked him to stop and he has said no, I'm not in a position to leave but I don't want alcohol to affect DD's life? Any advice would be appreciated.

One day out of seven being totally ruined for you is a hell of a big chunk of your life. If he is drinking alone just to get drunk then it's a serious problem - sounds like he has lots of unresolved issues from his childhood that really require therapy to help him get over them. The drinking may be an escape from the pain of inner scars.

IMO this type of problem won't get better until he seeks professional help. I hope you'll be able to persuade him to face this. Good luck xxx

I think he's passed one hurdle. He knows he has a problem when he gets drunk, so he agrees to get drunk only in managed circumstances.
I come from a family where drink was always very important (my sister has a problem now), so believe me he has managed one important step.

Now he needs to address the question of why he needs to get drunk one night a week. Does he just enjoy the feeling? does he feel he misses out if he doesn't? Can he tell you why he needs this saturday night fix?

Does he know how much the sunday business upsets you?

The problem of drink is always that he won't kick it unless he wants to. You have to make him work out that he wants to kick it. Otherwise no help in the world will work.

You have my sympathies. My childhood was blighted by my father's alcohol abuse (he had to get p*ssed every night, and was usually abusive), and my sister's problem worries me more everytime I go to stay.

Please talk more, I'd love to help if I can.

He says he enjoys drinking as simple as that enjoys the buzz. Because I have been off with him and staying in a separate room today he's now gone off to get drunk (I don't know where or when he will be back). He says he doesn't want to stop drinking and that I'm unreasonable because he controls it so it has minimal effect on me.

How stupid was I to think DD birth would have made it any different. Sober he is a lovely person but is using any excuse to drink. Today it's because I won't drive. I have a fear of driving and hate doing it we recently got a car again and he's been trying to get me to drive, I've done it twice but I hate it, it makes me feel sick inside.

We had plans for the bank holiday tomorrow but they have all beed cancelled he says because I won't drive anywhere but it's because he'll be hungover again. I've been crying all day over this.

but it doesn't have a minimal effect on you, you lose one family day a week, how does he respond to that?

Look, most people like a drink, but there is a difference between having a drink and having to get drunk.

I guess he can't drive cos he's still banned? How about this - You'll see a therapist about your driving fear (good hypnotherapy can help), if he'll start to reconsider and seek help with his drinking. ONLY try to put this option when he's sober, you can't negotiate with someone who's drunk.

Got to go now, more later in the week. Thinking of you

totallyfedup, this may sound like a really dumb question but are there things in your dp's life that he's either worried about or finds it hard to talk about?? my dad liked a drink so I know what it feels like...am happy to talk about this as have much experience in this department

It's the drinking with the aim to get drunk that is the problem and even if he is trying to justify it by saying he only drinks 1 night a week what use is that if that 1 night causes so much damage. What is going to happen when dd is older and is not in bed when this binge happens? could he be abusive to her and what would be the effects of this on the family in years to come? i'm really worried for you and really think this needs to be addressed. Good luck and thinking of you

Forgot to ask whether or not there are any issues in his life that lead to the drinking? maybe counselling for these might prevent the problem drinking?

Totallyfedup, you really are not being unreasonable. I think I remember once reading an extremely useful definition of an alcoholic: someone whose drinking behaviour adversely affects either their relationships, their financial affairs, or their work.

Your DP's drinking is seriously affecting his relationship with you; so by that definition, I wouldn't be afraid to use the word alcoholic (terribly difficult, I know).

As others have said, your DP has taken an enormous step forward in recognising that he has a problem and is trying to control it. But Alcoholics Anonymous would probably argue that he is still at the stage of denial about his drinking, as although he is controlling it to some extent, it is still making you terribly unhappy, and is therefore completely unacceptable.

Alcoholics are very good at making their partners feel that they are being stupid and hysterical and unnecessarily concerned about their drinking. I know all about this - I've been there, and you have my heartfelt sympathy.

If it helps, al-anon (which is for people who have friends, relatives or partners with alcohol problems) have a website and a helpline. The website address is: www.al-anonuk.org.uk

thanks for the responses, DP has been to AA in the past and he said they didn't think he had that much of a problem in that there were people there that were drinking every day and they looked at him as if to say "go away"

no he's not banned he has his licence back hence we have a car, i have tried hypnotherapy and additional lessons in the past but i am just terrified of driving

he hates his job right now but to be honest this was an issue before as he worked very long hours and hated his old career so he went back to uni and got a masters and now does something completely different but her hates this too

we had a talk tonight when he came back from the shop (with beers) and i said do you realise that if you don't stop drinking i will eventually leave you? he seemed shocked at this but still said he will never give up completely and that when he did give up for 3 weeks nothing changed???!!! i don't know what he means by this, i will try and talk to him again when he's sober

I'm sure that no-one at AA looked at him as if to say "go away". my guess is he just didn't like the idea of being there.

I do wonder what he means when he said 'nothing changed'. What does he expect to change? is there some problem with your relationship (other than his drinking) that he wants to change, or is he just disillusioned with his life? If it's the latter, then kicking the booze is only the start.

I do agree that al-anon might be a good starting point for you.

Also, if he does kick the drinking (or agree not to do it just 1 week), you need to be there with masses of praise and support. Think of doing something really nice (for him) on the sunday he ISN'T hung over. Really we need to treat these men just like kids sometimes, and go Over-the -top to reward good behaviour.

One other thing. If it will really shake him, then be prepared to leave (short-term) if he persists.

My father drank alot for many years, and his treatment of my mother got worse and worse (always unpleasant, occasionally violent, assuming she was always there to sort him out). One day when I was about 14 we left. We stayed away 3 days, with no contact with him at all. When we came back he really was contrite, shocked that my mother would do such a thing. The effect lasted.

But don't keep threatening to go. It loses it's effect in the end.

Hi, my husband grew up with 2 alcoholic parents and inherited a pattern of binge-drinking really similar to the one you describe. It's a long story but, after I managed to get really angry about his behaviour for the first time ever (I usually just to get upset and inarticulate) for the past few months he has really been trying to address some of the problems underlying his need to get so pissed. For him, this meant avoiding the drink--feel guilty cycle by telling himself he would stop for a while whilst also attending a 12-step group especially for adult children of alcoholics (rather than al-anon. This has proved very supportive so far. It's not that well known, though, and there aren't many groups outside London but if you would like more info, let me know and I will find website...
I don't want to bang on about myself but I have found therapy really helpful to work out why I am in such a relationship and it's also been a safe place to work out whether I want to stay or go, especially as I am not really confident that his recovery will be plain sailing and there may be lapses.