Mum in law is too much - help

[Ateam2018]

Advice needed !
My mum in law since I had a new born is becoming unbearable. She rings my husband her son daily a couple of times and he tells her absolutely everything. That’s fine. Apart from I get upset he does this after I’ve towed with him cause then she knows all my flaws and I’d hate to think her hearing about me at my worst will turn her off me :(
Anyway. Everything I do with our baby she wants to join us- our first swim lesson, our first walk, our first baby class etc. Is it bad I would like to do these things as a new family with just us three ? Me, husband and our baby? My family don’t ask for anything they’re just thrilled when I invite them to see the little one !
Xmas is now coming and she’s already inviting her self along to everything. A Xmas market day the three of us had planned, and Xmas day - xmas day we would have seen her anyway but now she’s made it that we are with her all day. It feels too much, I’d love some time for just the three of us !!! My husband says it’s normal for grandparents to do everything to “help.”
She also tried to feed baby every time she’s with us- saying she’s helping out but I actually enjoy feeding her- If I say no I’ll feed her the mum in law gets funny and makes little comments about me not accepting help !
Help ?!?!?!

Stop telling her all your plans. Ask you husband to stop telling her all your plans. If he does and she invited herself tell him you hope the three of them have a swell time because you won't be going. Then enjoy some me time. He'll soon get fed up being bossed about by his mother without you around to take the brunt of it!

Seems sound advice actually. I try so hard to impress his family and her as I so want to be liked by them. . But I am trying so hard it’s actaukly making things not as fun for me. I’ll try and not mention our plans and see if she doesn’t know whether it’ll happen! Husband may tell her but then he may pleasantly surprise me and say no to her

Sounds like your husband needs to reduce his time talking with her - twice a day phone calls are crazy. Why can't he be busy and unable to answer? He certainly has no business telling her about the rows you have - ridiculous!

He needs to grow up a bit and if he does, this will help a lot with the over-investment she has in your lives.

If DH was helping with the baby he wouldn't have time for twice daily phone calls! I would want him to actually be doing something constructive not just telling his mother what you've been doing with baby. Presumably DH will go back to work soon and then you can go off and do lots of firsts with just you and baby, and start to dial down the MIL involvement to a healthier level.

I did think twice a day phone calls was a bit much, but I haven’t got a family who call a lot , we just see each other once a week, no calls in between really unless we need something. I do dislike he tells her about any rows - but I was thinking maybe this honesty with his mum was normal?
She likes to know what we are all up to every single day - sounds sort of understandable but then to me is a bit much she knows everything

He is doing a lot with baby/ he has his mum on loud speaker whilst he’s feeding baby, or he calls her back when he’s driving and hands free etc - the calls don’t really stop us doing much, it’s more that she asks everything

When SIL has her baby, I guarantee you'll get your space.

he tells her if you row that isn't on and id be telling him that.

Ask him why he does it does he not have a pal he can tell and have a moan at like we do with our pals too.

if she passes comment don't fuel it just carry on what your doing. If she insists say no and keep saying no.

If things are planned tell her she isn't invited if she starts keep saying you are not invited.

she is yours and your husbands child not her grans child.

time for your husband to step up and tell her no too or you'll be back here in a few years.

Sort of on the fence about him telling her about our rows. They are so very close. If she asks how his day has been and it’s not been good cause we had a tiff - is he meant to lie ? If I was very close to my mum I’d prob tell her about any rows as someone to chat to. But at same time it does worry me as I want her to like me ! So her hearing ant negatives worry me !

The grandmother means well, it's exciting for grandparents, my dad rings me everyday to check in on my 5month old boy. They aren't overbearing though, I would say that you need to have a word with your partner, he probably tells her everything because it's exciting having a new baby, and she probably jumps on the bandwagon without realising. I also wouldn't worry about not being liked by the family, she must like you a lot to want to spend so much time with you. Just tell your partner to keep some things secret so you can have some alone time as a family xx

Thank you x

They are so very close. If she asks how his day has been and it’s not been good cause we had a tiff - is he meant to lie ?

No. He is meant to do what other adults do when they have formed another adult relationship. He says "ah things are grand, work is driving me crazy. how are you?" No good will come of him sharing things from your marriage with his mother. He can still be close to his mother without giving her a twice daily update on the state of your marriage. If I were you I would talk to him about this now. How would you like if every thing he did that annoyed you was related to another person twice a day?

As for the baby - it is an exciting time for grandparents, especially the first baby. But having her there for every thing you do with the baby is odd. Well if you are fine with it it wouldn't be odd but you aren't. Stand up for yourself and what you want. You are as important in this relationship as he is - and certainly more so than his mother. This is your marriage and your child. Tell your dh "There is a christmas concert on for babies on Sunday. I think we should go. I don't want anyone else with us - not even your mother, much as I love her - so either don't mention it to her or tell her we are going by ourselves". If she insists on coming and precipitates a fight about it, tell the 2 of them the chances of a second baby ever coming along are very tiny, if you have your mother in law living your life with you.

You sound too eager to have everyone like you. I bet they do like you. It is ok to ask for what you want too though.

Boundaries > he needs some. You all do.

Thank you for the advice it’s really helpful. With anxiety I have seemed too focused on wanting to be accepted and have struggled joining his family, this site has been so lovely and helpful this eve , thanks

I’d hate to think her hearing about me at my worst will turn her off me

She's his mum and will always put him ahead of you.
Stop trying so hard - you're becoming a doormat.
Tell your husband you want to do certain things as a family, and enjoy your baby's 'firsts', without a 3rd person there.
Tell mil too if your husband doesn't put a stop to this

You need to start standing up for yourself even if it means mil doesn't 'like' you as much.
she's already undermining you and ruining your 'firsts'.........this will only get worse the longer you leave it.