Struggles with in laws

[Ateam2018]

Hi all
I am struggling with anxiety a bit and with the way the in laws are with me - wanted some advice / words of wisdom to help me handle life better please :-)

I married my husband within two years. Most of those two years I was getting on great with the in laws ! By in laws I mean mum in law and brother and sister in law.

I am wanting some advice on the brother and sister in law... I got pregnant straight after marriage - something the sister in law admitted to me she wanted more than anything for herself. She took our baby news awfully, stopped talking to me. I couldn’t do a lot about that, I did try and re assure her I wanted to be friends and wouldn’t have to rub it in her face etc, but the friendship there was instantly damaged sadly.

She actually got pregnant straight after so our little ones will only be a month and a half age difference ! I thought fab- surely now this will put our relationship back on track- but it hasn’t :-(

I had my little one a month ago, she’s my world. The whole pregnancy I endured I was asking sister in law how she was and how her bump was. I took her to concerts and out for a meal, I made a lot of effort to try and forget about the way we fell out. I was pregnant at the same time and she didn’t ask me any questions back the whole time sadly.

Since I’ve had the baby and hers is due any day now she’s hardly spoken to me. She comments on the family group chats but not to my personal messages to her. This makes me think these short messages on the family one are just to pretend to the family she’s being friendly to me. Am I wrong and just paranoid to think this ?

I am a twitter addict. I post loads of baby photos on there, she is also a twitter addict, yet does like or comment on any of it, now I know going by social media activity seems immature - but before I got pregnant and we fell out she would like all my posts and comment on them all, so I take all this that she hates me :,(.

My husband thinks my logic about social media and me being hurt by her lack of contact is silly, he says he can’t see a problem and he’s sure she’s fine.

I’m really upset I’ve lost her friendship. I tried to do some lovely things to sort things out, yet it’s not been returned. What do I do now ? Soon her baby will be here and it would have been ideal to all hang out together ?! So do I keep trying and being nice even though I’m getting so hurt by her rejections ? Or do I take a step back and just focus on me and my little one, or do I treat them how they’ve been treating me ?! That seems immature but a part of me thinks it’s so unfair that she ignores my pregnancy, yet I made a fuss of hers, she ignores my baby and then I make efforts with hers - I’m finding it hard to know how to act now and I don’t want to have a big embarrassing outburst showing my anger / upset that is brewing! We were good friends and close before all this :(

Is she worth all my anxiety and upset ? Shall I move on and forget her and it and just be happy without her ? Or should I keep on trying? :(

It is hard to not to feel rejected. I think she will realise once her own baby is here that she has been silly, and hopefully come to see you as a source of support and friendship. I'd put your thoughts on hold for the first 6 or 12 months of your shared parenthood and if she's still the same after a year, then ease away.

Thank you. Is it bad I feel “treat others the way they treat you” ?? :-( she’s hurt my feelings so much this past year that I’ve got to a snapping point where I feel I should only put the effort in she put in. But I guarantee me doing so will cause her to say I’m being really unfriendly! Even though I’d only be treating her how she’s treated me . Shall I time out whilst I’m so upset or swallow it and try to keep being lovely to her. With anxiety myself people liking me is so important, my mind runs away with me when I feel disliked and it really gets me down !

She sounds unpleasant.
You’ve done all that you can and it is very clear she’s not interested. Now you just get on with your own family and enjoy your time with your LO.

I think you need to get yourself to a place where you can be polite to her but not care so deeply about having a relationship beyond that. You've gone above and beyond to be nice to her, the ball is in her court now. Be civilised and pleasant when you're around her, but I would stop making any effort beyond that. I don't want this to distract you from your new baby or have an impact on your relationships with the rest of the family. If she wants to be grumpy that's her problem and she's the one missing out, not you.

Thank you - that’s what I want to do now - why should I gush over her baby when she didn’t for mine, why should I offer to help or ask how she is when she didn’t care about me :( I am struggling to be “nice” anymore but it’s making me feel like I’m being nasty :,( but I feel it’s so one sided and unfair and she will be taking advantage of me if I carry on being so nice and caring and not getting anything in return :( the brother in law has also stopped talking to me- so nights with them are now so awkward and upsetting, they will chat to my husband all eve - when he’s holding our baby they pay her some attention. When I’m holding her or walk in with her neither of them say hello to her or bother :,(

I hope so thank you - 6-12 months is too long for my sanity for her to start to be friendly to me again :,(

Thank you pirateweasel ... it’s re assuring to hear I can stop trying, I’ve constantly shown an interest in her pregnancy, I ask her so many questions and she never returns them. It’s all about her.
I feel like deleting her from my twitter so she can’t see my posts she’s ignoring - as the fact she’s ignoring them all is hurting.

What does your husband say after they clearly both ignore you and only speak to him? Surely that is obvious?

He says they’re just shy and he doesn’t really notice it until I point it out that didn’t pay me any attention !

TBH I think you "stole her thunder" she wanted the first baby in the family etc.

It's her not you

Yes perhaps that is what it is, she still seems so pissed off with me even though they’re expecting ... theirs is due next week !

When I got pregnant before sil and had the first dgc she never forgave me. Ever.
She made damn sure gps had no time alone with my dc. Ever.
Good luck op, I would suggest you are simply pissing in the wind trying to make a relationship with her at all.
Maybe just concentrate on your baby and dh.

Sorry to hear this, I fear it may be the same for us ... so annoying upsetting someone so much without meaning or wanting to ! :(

Life’s too short!
Stop making an effort.
Don’t be a suck up.
Be polite but not overly friendly. Take a step back. Focus on your own life, baby and family.

Agreed ! Thank you- you’re so right life is too short and I’m sat here worrying about the sister in law and other things this evening when I’m meant to be relaxing in the bath ! I think I’ll stop trying to hard to mend the friendship, I will probably treat her as she’s been treating me and I’ll try not to worry about how she feels as much as I need to put me first now. Thank u :)

Unfortunately now that dynamic is set up she may never change. One of my best friends had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Me and another friend supported her and when I got pregnant 6 months later I tried to be as sensitive as I could. Unfortunately this became just not acknowledging my pregnancy at all for fear of upsetting her even when she then became pregnant (with all going well, she's now 30 weeks). This has continued and I have come to resent it. DD nearly died after birth and was in special care, I never once heard from her. The dynamic has become me supporting her and her ignoring any difficulties in my life and i don't see this changing any time soon. I think you may need to either accept it for what it is or reduce contact.

I’m sorry to read that :( it is horrible when people we try and care for don’t do the same back - yet we feel we want to still be friendly and friends.
I will take a step back, I’ve done loads so if she wants a friendship she can now come to me I think x

OP Do as you say and step back. Send something nice when her baby is born with congratulations to her and her DP. She may not have spoken much to you since your baby was born because she's concentrating on her own experience and may have had difficulties she's not tweeting about. If she tweets pix of her baby, like them. But otherwise wait for her to come to you. Until then, let your DH do the talking.

Yes I’ll step back, and remain polite, even though she’s shown no interest in our baby - I would still like to be a part of her babies life and love him etc

I’m afraid I had something similar with my SIL. Thought it would be great having babies at the same time and maternity leave. Like your SIL mine has not once liked a post about our kids on social media , not even birth announcements. Gushes over her other nephew who is a few years older than our kids.
I try not to let it get to me

You've GOT to let all this petty nonsense go. It's time to grow up. Your only concern should be your husband and your baby. Fuck all to the lot of them.

Definitely step back. Be pleasant, but don't chase them. You mentioned a mother-in-law; have you been putting the same effort into your relationship with her? To be honest, a sibling/ SIL/ BIL with a same-aged baby is not likely to be as helpful as a parent-aged family member. They're not pleasant or supportive to be around, either, so seek your help from MIL and your own parents, and your companionship from DH and other parents with same-aged babies, who are not in competition with you. You need "mum-friends" - friends, not people who resent you and take your flattery and support for granted!

You’re not going to win her around so step back totally.
Be polite and civil. Comment on the family group and nothing else.
Welcome the new baby with a gift and a visit but don’t chase her anymore.
And yes to making your own friends. Go to groups and activities on your area and meet people.

When I was eight months pregnant I was quite busy feeling sorry for myself and thinking about my impending labour - I certainly wasn’t commenting on lots of social media posts. She may just be focusing on herself and you are expecting an unrealistic level of interest and contact. If they have visited at least once and brought a present, than that is at least polite. Maybe you want to be close friends and she just wants to be relations who are in touch but not in each other’s pockets.

Best to back off. Her nose is out of joint at not having the first grandchild. She will probably put a lot of effort to make sure her child is closer to your mil, is the best/ quickest at everything. The game is on op!