Hi everyone.
Please go easy on me, im not looking for advice really because I know what I need to do, but my councilling session isn't until next week now and I really need a go to :(
Regular poster will probably remember my 'being treated like a mug' thread in September and my other threads where basically I have been living with my partner of 4 years who is the ultimate of ultimate of the entitled 'man child' who also put me through a summer of hell by being emotionally manipulative and nasty to me on purpose.
I have been in therapy over this to try and get my head straight (I was having a hard time accepting and not believing that someone I loved could do this to me) and im on my third week next week.
So basically it all ended with me confronting him crying hysterically 6 weeks ago and saying I didn't want this anymore and I couldn't cope. I told him about the anxiety and dreading coming home and he got really mad when I said I thought he was bullying me on purpose and denying it.
So it took him a month of being really helpful around the house, making sure I was supportive and just being a lovely perfect, compassionate partner.
And then the games started last week again.
We go and pay for shopping in alternate weeks, but ever since we moved in I have been having to nag and remind him he needs to get shopping in on his weeks. The week before, I thought I'd leave him and trust him to take the initiative to go himself without me nagging.
Fast forward 8 days later, he still hadn't gone shopping. I had bought little bits in fresh for me to take to work, meanwhile he was complaining nightly that there was nothing decent in to eat. He asked me what we was happening for food that night and I pretty much said 'ill have the rest of the fries, you have the turkey dinosaurs' (LOL) as that's how stripped out we was. He went to order a take away, 2nd time that weekend and I complained about money with xmas and other family birthdays coming up and that we would have spent as much on food shipping on two nights of take away alone and that he cant keep putting the food shop off. He sulked and put the oven on.
In short, it took him TWO hours to get these chips and dinosaurs cooked, not bothering to put the food in after he'd warmed them up and then later with me anxiously stressing about the oven and checking on it (his turn to cook that night also). I realised at 9.30pm that he had put the oven on really low and therefore food was taking ages. We finally ate at 10pm. He seemed a bit off. I asked him if he was okay and he looked at me strange and said 'Yeah babe, why?' as if I was making it all up.
Fast forward to the next day I was laughing to my collegues at work about him not having the oven on high enough and not eating until really late at night. As I was telling this story I realised that he was doing it on purpose, and id left really anxious about the situation the night before and feeling like crap as he would be pretending to watch tv and 'forgetting' about the food.
I confronted him about it, and he directly told me he did it on purpose because he was mad that he had to eat turkey dinosaurs for dinner.
I asked whos fault that was (meaning him - shopping being put off).
He said it was mine because I stopped him from ordering a take away, and hed have a nice tea if I hadn't have complained (!!!)
He had purposely left me hungry until 10pm to punish me. (in my defense, I cook 5 nights of the week, it was his turn, another thing he avoids to do because he knows if he doesn't mention it I will give in and cook)
He was really nice again after he'd realised I caught him out with being sly and manipulating the situation to get me angry - I know it sounds stupid but I really don't realise at the time its happening that he's playing games - its usually when I reflect later about the situation that I have a light bulb moment.
Anyway, this month I am taking part on a project that is very important to me and runs every November. He had gotten jealous in the past that my attention (at least two hours work a night is needed to 'win' this project, it requires me to post updates on my work every night, is a good career boost and is a very challenging but rewarding thing, especially with working full time with one DD!).
On Saturday he had the weekend off (he normally works 6 days) and I asked him to help with the housework whilst I worked on this project and caught up from the week (DD at her dads). He had booked a round of golf in sunday and wanted to go to the pub to see his friends after, and I had DD sunday and knew I wouldn't be able to get any work done with her and catching up with the housework. He said okay, and then had an engagement do later on which he packed a bag for and left about 2pm.
When I went downstairs all he had done was wash up (but didn toffer to wash my plate so I also washed up) and he'd left the recycling by the door rather than putting it away because he couldn't find the shed key. I was mortified - The vaccuming, polishing, bedding washes, kitchen floor was full of cat litter and cat food, bathroom was a state etc would all be left to me on Sunday. So I was upset about that but never said anything.
Anyway on sunday night, he'd been out all day and I messaged asking what time he'd be home for tea and I didn't get a reply until 5.30pm... saying that after gold at 1pm he skipped the pub BUT went back to his mums and he'd been in bed all day! Knowing full well that I had DD, a house full of shit to sort out (I even messaged him at dinner asking how golf was and that the kitchen was a state and that I was that tired I'd felt hungover etc) AND HE KNEW I HAD THE PROJECT TO DO!
I went absolutely sick at him. Called him selfish and that he couldn't even think of me at home doing all this and juggling things, knowing he could have offered to help instead of bailing out. I was absolutely fuming. I was at the housework for about 4-5 hours, so I told him I'd left the bathroom and he can do that when he gets home.
He got home, got a beer and sat on his arse until about 9pm until I came downstairs and confronted him. No intention of doing the bathroom. Wrong of me but I flipped and kept saying 'im fucking sick of doing everything, fucking sick of being treated like a mug.@ He told me to fuck off and went upstairs and scrubbed the bathroom. I went to do my project, didn't get to bed until 11.30pm sunday night.
Sorry I am droaning on here im just trying to explain it all. went to work, text him about me getting shopping and two days later he hadn't text me back. I got home last night and he was at home early. Turns out he'd been off work for two days and hadn't told me. Not a finger lifted in the house. Piles of dirty washing and boxers on the stairs, which had been there since Saturday and he kept adding to. I went mad again and asked him what he was playing at and why on earth didn't he tell me he had been having sick days off work, he said its nothing for me to get upset about, why should I be upset?
I said its because normal partners communicate with each other and I knew it was because I had had a go at him at the weekend and he was deliberately punishing me for it (he does it with every big argument we have). and that the piles of washing on the stairs we have argued about before, (where I have broke down and begged him to stop doing it) I said was disrespectful and that he knows I'd be upset about it. like an act of defiance sort of thing.
He said the reason why he didn't tell me he'd been off work is because I haven't asked about how his day?!
And then he said, and THAT's disrespectful!
He said that if I want to be upset about him making a mess, then that's MY problem.
I think it clocked there and then and I agreed and thought yes, because I am allowing myself to put up with his shit.
He also said that to be upset about a small pile of clothes is ridiculous, like he was mocking me. minimising it. I told him that its not about a pile of clothes, it was that he'd been doing it continuously for 5 months now when he knew it upset me because I'm the one who picks up after him.
He said if it causes me that much anxiety, would it be easier just to... pick them up?
I told him I didn't want to be with him anymore and hes punishin me on purpose again and he denied it. Told me I was the messy one (have you seen the kitchen drawers babygoose?!) Acted all nice and coy and he acted shocked and surprised. He got upset and played the victim then, all over again like he did 6 weeks ago.
I thought he went upstairs to pack. He didn't. When I got my work done for the night I went straight up to bed. I woke up with him cuddling me.
I feel like I am losing my mind.