Fiancé came home and told me to leave.. Update after ten months.

[StillUnbroken]

My ex broke up with me almost a year ago, I had a thread on here at the time but can't remember the login details, it was called "Fiancé came home and told me to leave" I wanted to come back and give a small update for anyone that helped me in my last thread, and also ask for a bit of advice at the same time.

First of all I am in my own place now, I have a flat, I am slowly getting there, I have my own income coming in now, I am living close to family. It has not been easy at all, but wanted to tell people going through anything like I did that you will get on your feet.

It has been ten Months since we split up, and I am so lonely, I am craving affection, I am missing sex and being close to another human being, I miss being held, I miss hearing "I love you" I am just so starved of everything and I have no idea what to do about it, because at the same time the thought of being with someone else still feels wrong. I want to be over all this, but right now I don't know how so I am not going to beat myself up, it will happen when it happens, just wish it would happen a bit quicker!

I know I am not ready to date, and I wouldn't want to waste anyones time, I don't want to go out and sleep with someone because I know that will make me feel worse at the moment, I think I just need to get to know some new people, chat, and take things slow, but I am not sure where to find that or even if there would be anyone else out there looking for that.

Is there such a thing as a dating type website but for friends?

I remember your thread Still and I am so happy that you are getting there.

Try joining www.meetup.com/ to get out and about on the social scene again in your area.

Local am dram groups are always looking for front of house and back stage help if you don't want to tread the boards in the limelight.

If you are interested local history or civic societies have evening meetings and are a good way to meet others. You may be one of the youngest there but it's all about opening up your social life and there may be single grandsons back home

Hi, I feel exactly the same as you. I am getting my own place, tryingt o look after myself and improve my life. But I feel so lonely. I crave affection and a close relationship and it is making me want to go back to my partner (he was emotionally abusive and this is why I left him; it was extremely difficult to do).

I am looking at local groups that may have likeminded people such as crafting groups. I've also joined Meetup and am early days with that - one group didn't work for me but there are several others to try.

I am thinking about dating as I've been told that it's the best thing to do to get over someone, but I'm not sure. I've signed up to dating sites but not met up with anyone as I'm afraid and have little enthusiasm to meet in person.

Anyway sorry to go on, but try MeetUp. I've heard of some other sites that I might try like Bumble BFF and I may try that too.

Falafaff, no dating again when it is too soon for you will not help you get over your breakup. If the next relationship breaks up you will just have double the heartache. Take your time to heal and do not rush things. StillUnbroken, that is good news and it sounds as if you are getting there. Good to hear you are not rushing in to anything new. I can identify a lot with how you feel, it sounds as if you are doing all the right things. The best revenge is living your life well. Good luck.

So pleased you're getting there. Completely get what you mean about loneliness as in same position. I'm trying to fill my time with social arrangements etc but it's not the same.

So pleased to hear that you're moving forwards. It takes courage and patience. Be kind to yourself. You'll get there.

I remember your thread. You sound so much stronger now, I'm so pleased.

Try putting your town name in to Facebook. I found a few groups that interest me on there and I went with the mindset that if i didn't make any friends then at least I was still doing something I enjoy. Pleased to say I did make friends with nice likeminded people.

I know this is a bit random but try something like steampunk or role play. Some of the nicest people I know are involved with that. Different groups will have different people of course so if the first group isn't right for you try another. The ones I know let you join in as much or as little as you like.

Good luck!

I remember your thread. You had a major upheaval and it is understandable that it all still feels raw. Perhaps do some adult college courses in something you are interested in. That way you might meet similar minded people and hopefully make some new friendships.

Oh, you poor love, I wish I could give you a hug. Broken hearts suck, but we’ve all been there.

IME, the best things to do are to keep busy, and to surround yourself with people whose company you enjoy. To paraphrase Kate Winslet in The Holiday, “You will meet people who make you feel worthwhile again, and little pieces of your soul will start to come back.” PPs have given some great suggestions on that front.

All the best to you, OP. You are stronger than you realise.

Are there any clubs in your local area that you could join?
Are there any local pubs you could work at?
I just used to do a Sunday lunchtime and it really helped me meet local people and start to feel like I fit in a bit.
As previously suggested meetup.com might be a good place to look at as well. There are usually different groups that get together socially once or twice a months.
What are you into?
Dance, walking, am dram, books? There should be something in your area.

I like Hellsbells idea of doing a weekend lunchtime shift in a pub.

Missing touch is quite a big thing when you're on your own. You could start salsa, jive, ceroc, lindyhop, ballroom or even Scottish country dancing, as they are all dance forms that involve partner contact. And you could offer to be a guinea pig at a nearby beauty college or alternative therapies college where they practise massage. I used to do that in my twenties when I was single for ages. I got shiatsu and aromamassages fro free by trainees. It was very relaxing. Not the same as romantic affection, but still, it's good for you.

There are social groups for people who just want to mix with others, without dating. Spice looks a good one, because you can choose what sort of events you like - from white water rafting to backstage tours of theatres, to just going for dinner.

It’s difficult to make suggestions without knowing your interests!

I’m not suggesting you start a relationship or sleep with anyone before you’re ready but I did find it helped me to get over heartbreak just meeting up with new guys for a drink, people from tinder or dating sites. I was honest about wanting to meet new people and explore my new city after moving following a break up. I really felt finally single as it’s a whole new feeling to get used to getting ready and going out alone, knowing there’s nobody waiting at home for you or to pick you up, and being free to flirt and just chat. It made me feel properly single again.

Live music is a good way if you are into it, the community of fans of the genre I’m passionate about is very strong, I go to lots of shows on my own and inevitably get chatting to people in the queue or in the venue, we hit it off as we have similar interests and bands and usually swap Facebook details and then next time a band we like plays we’ll meet up before for a drink or whatever, then you meet each other’s friends. I have about 10-20 really cool friends from doing that over the years and some have deepened beyond just being gig buddies.

A book club is a classic suggestion for a reason too, as is volunteering to give something back to a cause you’re passionate about. And taking a course if there is adult education available in your area!

OP I didn’t see you original thread, but I wanted to say that I went through a similar thing not long before you. My fiancé changed his mind and called off our wedding. It was traumatic and horrible.

(I’m not saying you should) but I forced myself back into dating. I remember crying quietly to myself waiting for my first date to turn up! I did it because I didn’t want to fixate on him and missing him which I would have. I did it to distract myself and meet new people- I chose places I wanted to go and resteraunts I wanted to try. I went along the lines of ‘I’m not looking for anything but open if it comes along’. Every date got a little bit easier and reaffirmed/ rebuilt the self confidence and worth that my ex had worn down. It also reminded me that there were lots of men out there that would be kind and make me laugh (I never did anything sexual with any of these dates btw)

Anyway about 2 months in I met a man who I just didn’t want to say goodbye to. It’s only been in meeting/ being with him that I’ve realised what a healthy relationship actually looks like/ is! Knowing this kind of love, respect, security and kindness gives me a whole new perspective on the ex I left behind.

You have to do what’s right for you but sometimes forcing yourself back out there is the best course of action - just take it slow and steady and be careful who you choose to date xx

OP pace yourself. One day at a time. I'm still not ready to date over 2 year's in. I dabbled a bit and met some horrible guys (a couple of nice ones too)

I'm not strong enough to handle the rejection with the stoicism it requires. Plus I have 3 kids and am fat.

Working on my relationship with myself is far and away the best use of my time. I'm healing from a decade long marriage that was sexless and just horrible.

I crave touch and affection too, but figure I've coped the best part of 15 years without it, another year or two won't hurt.

I can't undo the past but I can write a better future. You can too.

Best wishes...