Feeling really overwhelmed with ex husbamd and new partner and looking for advice

[Mollysmum10]

Hi,

My husband and I separated 8 months ago after a lot of issues around infertility. He has an extremely low to zero sperm count and after a lot of help and seeing different specialists my daughter was born following IVF with ICSI in 2014. She is the most amazing wee girl. We then tried 3 more rounds of IVF for baby number 2 with no success and here was where the issues started. I started to resent my husband for my daughter not having a sibling, for me not having a second baby and for his overall lack of wanting to discuss how I felt. He also said no to more treatment and I was devastated. I think he resented me for wanting more IVF as he felt ‘de-masculinated’ every time we did it. This then lead to months of not seeing eye to eye and our relationship completely deteriorating. We sought counselling but I always felt he just turned up as he thought he should and nothing improved. He suggested a trial separation in March and the feeling of relief after he went was immense. I very quickly met someone new after a few weeks, my daughters friends dad who had separated from his wife a few months earlier. We got on great and I felt like he got what I was going through. We’ve had a good relationship over the last few months but despite contraception I got pregnant and it was ectopic (most likely due to the contraception) and I lost the pregnancy. Again he was great and ultimately the pregnancy wasn’t planned and would have been very difficult as we haven’t been together very long. My ex-husband knows I have seen my new partner for a few dates but nothing more.
Anyway 2 weeks ago I got a big promotion at my work which now means full time and I am totally panicking about not seeing my daughter as much. My ex currently has her 1 night a week but wants to increase it to two. I miss her terribly when she is away, she’s 4. My ex also recently hinted to getting back together and now im thinking this could be a possibility as id get to see my daughter 7 nights a week and she would have her parents back together and I wouldn’t need to sell the house and move but I know my new partner would be devastated as he has told me he loves me and ultimately over the next few years wants to work on me and my daughter and him and his two living together and possibly having another baby. I’m so torn as I don’t know how my daughter would take to living with her friend (they went to the same nursery but different schools) and my partner and his younger daughter. Or do I just go back to the safe option and try and rebuild my marriage if I can for my daughter? Either option is killing me for different reasons and I don’t know what to do? Any suggestions? Thanks for reading if you got this far x

Do you love your husband or would it just be convenient? Did he say why he wants to come back? Is he prepared to work on things? If he found out the extent of your new relationship would he still be interested?
I guess the decision is financial security and familiarity or love and possibly a new baby?

100% not the new man. Sounds like a car crash if he's only just separated too.

There are too many emotions here for you to be trying to make massive life decisions NOW.

I would be suspicious of this new man offering everything you "want" (baby, stability etc) seems a bit like a cheap shot. Emotional security is what you need, not a baby or a house. So that means either properly splitting with your ex and living on your own with your daughter (for at least a year) or maybe explaining all this to ex (and you need to be honest) and seeing of you can slowly start things up again.

Either way I think you need more time on your own. No man or baby is going to give you what you need.

Truthfully neither you need some time on your own and see what happens.

I agree your husband should have 2 nights and you need to let him

You need counselling to decide what you want.

Blimey. Talk about make your life complicated! You don’t need to be with somebody you know? Why don’t you just be on your own for a year and then re-assess and see how you feel after some space and some peace and quiet!

I’m sorry for your loss.

I agree that the new man sounds like a potential car crash. He’s just out of a relationship with two young kids and declaring love and talking of more children pretty quickly, you were single for a couple of weeks. Slow down!

I actually think you were unfair to your husband. I understand you were resentful and I think it’s human so I don’t say you were unfair to berate you. Saying it to highlight that there could be something left to salvage. 3 rounds of IVF is emotionally hard and financially tough! And you already have a child. I’m an IVF mother too, btw. It’s really awful for him that he was resented for her fertility issues - can you imagine how that felt? (I do think he should have had counselling to try to get over feeling emasculates by it! I think that’s a shoddy reason not to do it - but cost and emotional sacrifices are valid). So if there is a chance, you could try counselling together again and see if he engaged more.

But only if you think you might fall back in love with him. It won’t work, just to be with your daughter 7 days. You’ll be miserable.

You’re unfair on him even thinking about not increasing to 2 nights! That’s her dad - if course he should have one paltry night a week!
(and yes that’s hard for you - I’m not only a fellow IVF mum, but also a divorced one! I want my daughter every single night - but it wouldn’t be right for her. If I were him I’d be wanting more than 2)

Sounds a bit like the new man is future-faking, telling you everything you want to hear about how you are all going to be one big happy family etc. I would want to know more about why his marriage broke up - and ideally not from him. It sounds like a rebound relationship for both of you. Obviously with your ectopic pregnancy it all got very intense very quickly.

With your husband, the issues that caused you to break up have not been satisfactorily resolved, so if you get back together you would soon find yourselves in that same situation.

I would give the same advice as PPs and try being by yourself for a while and see if it clarifies what you want.

Of course your DH should be able to have your DD two nights a week. Yes, you will miss her, but that's how it should be.

Thanks for the replies. I would never deny my ex to have my daughter 2 nights per week I just meant it’s going to be even harder for me being full time (I’m currently 3 days) and her being away more.

As for my new partner, he has only mentioned another baby since the ectopic pregnancy but previous to that we hadn’t discussed it. He is a great guy and I do have a lot of feelings for him but I worry about our children blending together as so far we haven’t involved them in our relationship and currently have no plans to.

I know time on my own might be beneficial but I am scared of losing my new partner as up until getting this job I had very few doubts but now the pressure of a management post plus full time and I’m panicking about my daughter and if I’m making the correct choices.
I have little or no physical feelings left for my ex husband but as a friend we get on well. I do wonder though if I was to try and go back I would need to disclose the pregnancy to him and given what we’ve been through it would upset him.

Thanks for all your help.

Your marriage is clearly over and I think you need to focus on successfully coparenting your child

I think you simply tell your new partner you need time and space on your own to sort out how to work full time and coparent - you owe yourself and your daughter that. And time and space to be by yourself and for him to be alone too - to see if its more than a rebound relationship - the intensity you are describing sounds very much like it

I don't think you're being very fair to your new partner if you're even considering getting back together for your ex (which I think would be a disaster).

I am scared of losing my new partner

Why are you so scared of being single? I really think you would benefit from at least a year of being on your own. You rebounded straight from your marriage to this new relationship with just a few weeks in between.

Take a step back from your new relationship and focus on yourself and your DD.

I'm sure you miss your DD when she is away from you overnight, but am sure your exDH misses her too. I think you need to let him have her for the two nights. (And how to co-parent her fairly.)