Saving myself first ?

[ContentiousOne]

My long term partner (22 yrs) has been diagnosed with kidney disease, and it seems to be progressing rapidly. Consultant is talking about dialysis sooner rather than later.

I have been out of the full time workforce for a long time; I've got homeschooled kids (last one has a year to go ) - my plan was to get back into full time work and.....leave.

Why ? A long story, but it boils down to things being over for a quite a while for me, predating this diagnosis. He's a high functioning alcoholic, and the only reason I didn't leave was because, on the balance of things, given how Family Court operates where I live (Australia) - he'd have gotten the kids 50/50 and they just weren't physically safe to be in his sole care. Bad choice ? Maybe.

I am burned out. I have a chronic but somewhat stable health condition myself, and I've carried 99% of the parenting load, through some challenging teen years, on my own.

I am reading about dialysis and the role for the carer, and I am screaming inside my head. I do not want to be his carer. I don't. I want to get away and be on my own (once the youngest goes to uni). I want peace and quiet, and to work hard, and to never, ever hear the sound of a beer bottle in my home again.

How I feel about partner - angry, detached, but also sad. I also feel about him like I would a family member - a cousin maybe. It's awful.

Am I awful to think about whether or not I could care for him ? I know it is quite cold and awful. Can I - finally, and in this situation - put myself first?

(Please no one berate me for not leaving earlier - it's hard to weigh up the best thing to do, and I made the best of a two bad choices)

I read that post back and it sounds incredibly selfish. The reason I don't love him is because he was verbally abusive for many years, though not in the last five. That plus the drinking kills love.

But anyway, even if it is selfish, can I be ?

A marriage isn't a life sentence. If you need to leave; nobody here can tell you to stay.

Can you leave now; at least? It will be tough when he starts dialysis, I've had it and it's horrid - and mine wasn't due to anything I did. It may well be harder if it's self inflicted.

If you're going to go, I'd go now. It may not be ideal or fir your plan; but it doesn't sound like anything will. Get your ducks in a row over the next week or two and gig before you feel obligated to stay due to his treatment.

No, I can't leave now.

I need a full time job if in order to leave. And I don't have anything I can just step back into - wish I did.

I have 4 of us to support if I leave - dd1 in her last year at uni, dd 2 going into her second year, and ds who is 14.

It's a mess. I hear what you are saying though - it's cruel to drop this on someone once they start treatment.

I am running on beyond empty though.

I don't think you sound selfish at all, you sound like you have never been selfish enough to make things better for yourself, and now under this new enormous life change you want out. I don't blame you, but I understand how difficult it must be for you to leave someone who is ill, and worrying what people will think. But the people who matter in your life will understand and support you, people who can only see one facet aren't worth listening to. I think you should get yourself out asap so you won't be roped into being a carer and guilted into staying. stay strong

We're not married, de facto.

You don't sound selfish at all. Lay your plans and get out.

Why do you have four to look after. It seems you have one to look after?
What are you paying towards for the ones at uni.
I know 2 people that have ended up in this situation, and both ended up being the full time careers for men they didn’t think they could leave just yet. It’s the risk you take, especially if they’ve been abusing their bodies for so long.

Can you sit down with him and have a rational conversation, saying you do not want to be his full time carer? Or does he still think you’re “ok” as a couple?

At the end of the day, as someone else said, you don’t have to justify why you want to leave. But even now it seems like you’re finding reasons you can’t.
You’ve got one life. You either do it or you don’t.

How quickly could you find a job? I appreciate that it's nearly Christmas and that you don't have one to step back into; but do you want to leave badly enough to make the most of the companies wanting new hires in January and start applying now?

It's your call; but if you struggle with that now, I don't think you've really got any chance of being able to leave once he starts dialysis.

In the nicest way; is there a chance that some of the reason that you're staying (now or before; or both) is that your scared of moving on? You don't want to settle with this but you can't bring yourself to leave it and start again either? Something about you seems a bit frozen in fear.

Nope, not scared of moving on. Knowing that I can once the kids are out of the house ? Keeps me sane. I used to be scared of being alone when I was younger; now it's something to hope for.

Scared of not being able to find full time work, yes. I think it's going to be pretty difficult. I am close to 50, have a very patchy work history, and I''m dealing with my own chronic illness. Scared of finding that I can't set up a household for us, independent of him.

Ashamed to call in help from family and friends. Deathly, bitterly ashamed. I know when I should have walked out, and it was long, long before this.

I understand the decision to stay based on your fear of him getting 50:50 care and your view that this would put the kids at risk. However I don’t see how this applies now that you have 2 in their twenties and a 14 year old? In many cases once the child is 11ish they can effectively make the decision of where who they want to be with themselves. Also these type of men who threaten 50:50 never see it through - esp as you have done 99% of parenting to date - it’s not what they actually want it’s just a measure to punish the mother.

Is it your need to finish the homeschooling that is keeping you in this arrangement?

How exposed financially are you not being married and not earning in Australia - if you were in the UK you would be v exposed and vulnerable.

But as other have said - get moving on with your life now - you don’t want to be his carer - you don’t owe him anything - don’t worry about what anyone else thinks - explain to his children only - but the longer you leave it, he is likely to deteriorate and become more dependent.....and if you are worried about others opinions - you would look worse then.

Start looking for jobs, also look for returner schemes. I'm not sure of the job situation where you are - but with falling birth rates in most "western" countries there is more work out there than you might think. A friend of mine totally restrained to a new career and has a pretty good job in it now, all in her 50s.

Make lists about what you have been doing over the years. All those voluntary activities etc. Network with people who might know of jobs suitable for you. And get legal advice.

I think what I actually need is some guidance in how to go about looking for a suitable job. I work as a tutor, and I teach small classes also, and I have two degrees, one recent (pyschology undergrad)...but I actually have no idea where that makes me a likely fit.

Yes, it's getting ds through to being able to go to - I guess it's like community college ? - which is in as little as a year, and then being free to look for full time work.

Financially, I am in a precarious position. Zero assets.

The kids at university are not financially independent either. Our system works differently to the UK, I guess.

Both girls will have decent career paths and earnings once they finish uni though...

Do not be ashamed
It’s nothing to be ashamed of. You might find that people that care about you want you to be happy. However that manifests itself.
Get rid of that shame ASAP

I think you should leave him now for all the reasons you state. The reasons to stay are excuses and in effect you are living off a man. This does not sit well with me for a whole bunch of reasons. But framing in the context of you and your children: your self esteem will suffer; you are unhappy and this could make you mentally unwell; your children have an awful example of how to live a life and they are probably unhappy.

You are an adult who is well educated and you have capabilities. You need to go see a careers adviser and then get back into work. ASAP

As to the implications of you leaving. The three eldest are being financially supported by their father at moment, I assume that could continue. They are adults and it’s up to them to agree this with him. The youngest can go into mainstream education. It’s not ideal but homeschooling was a luxury you couldn’t afford for many years. You should not have pursued this option in the circumstances.

To be frank, you have made many bad decisions and you are still doing it. Morally this is no way to live. I actually don’t have a problem with you leaving him whilst ill but I don’t think you should live off him. I don’t think you should use him to fund your choice not to work. Not in your position.

Shame is debilitating and stops you taking the action that you need to.
I recommend Brene Browns audio books on shame to help dump the shame OP.

Op, you need to visit Centre Link, tell them you have a chronic illness and you are looking for work. I was in this same position 2 yrs ago.

Center Link fixed me up with an appt at a disability employment agency. The staff there were great and they actually helped me to secure a job. I have been working for the past 2 yrs thanks to their help and support. They even helped me to get some training.
They will also help you to sort out any financial assistance that you may be due.

You can do this OP, go and see them, keep focused and good luck.