Difficult family situation

[Piratepolly]

I really don't know how to feel about all this so could really do with an outside perspective.

Parents divorced when i was in my early teens. DM and DB always had an advisarial relationship. Hurt on both sides. DM and DF once divorced couldn't stand to be near each other and frequently bad mouthed each other. As a young teen i was always in the middle of all this. DM and DF eventually settled down but the relationship between DM and DB has always been problematic, constantly pushing each others buttons.

DB moved to another country and had a family. DSil clearly doesnt like DM as I suspect she has had DBs version of events for many years. Everytime DM visits there is always a big row, tbf usually instigated by my DB. DM has now said she will never visit again as she just isn't comfortable there. DM gets very upset and I'm always put in the middle of rants and upset. Ive tried so many times to detach but its not easy.

Problem now is DM is very seriously ill, possibly terminally ill. She's been through an awful time recently with pain. DB has popped up again and its causing tension mostly with me tbh. Very dismissive and quite patronising of her situation. Problem is my DM is trying to use me as a flying monkey to communicate with DB. Im sick to death of being in the middle. Ive been advised by family just to smooth things over but the inner teenager in me is screaming 'why the fuck should I??? Who gives a shit about me always being in the middle???' Im the one who always has to pick up the pieces.

I can't go NC with DB for reasons i cant explain as they would be too outing. DM needs my support right now.

I feel so angry i burst into tears on the phone the other day when talking to family. I got the impression they thought I was making a drama when all it was is frustration. They kept making excuses for DB. Then I felt really shit about crying because it makes me feel weak.

Sorry for the ramblings just wanted to shout this out somewhere in the hope that someone hears me!

Anyone else been stuck in the middle?

the answer is to go no contact but you're not willing or able to do that, therefore you have to accept the role you refuse to abandon.

Could you honestly go NC with a terminally ill person? I couldn’t do that at the end of someone’s life when they don’t have much other family to rely on. That would be very heartless. Bit harsh to say ‘accept the role you refuse to abandon’

I cannot go NC with DB for reasons I really cannot explain here.

I was hoping for some advice on handling this rather than the stock answer of go no contact.

Sadly, you Mother is terminally ill, nothing is going to change this. You must not let yourself get unwell, you need to stay well and look after you own mental well being. You are not coping and it's going to make you unwell. So you need to made difficult decisions, or carry on regardless and hope you come out the other end unscathed. Either way you need to look after YOU

You could (and probably should) tell each of them individually - "Hi DM/DB. I wanted to let you know that I'm no longer going to be the messenger between you. You're both grown adults and while there may be issues between you, you are both very capable of talking so talk to each other. I will not be passing messages from DM to DB and from DB to DM. It is no longer good for my health to be caught between you both and as I quite like both of you, I don't want to fall out over this so please, talk to each other if you have something to say".

The fact that you haven't said anything to either of them in the past about not wanting to be the go-between, will either stun them into silence or shock them into talking directly to each other. Either way, you don't have to be the messenger any more.

Best of luck to you on this.

I'd say to DM that you can't always speak to DB on the phone, so assure her if you can't speak to him you'll send him an email message to update him. That way you do not have to interract directly.
Then I'd preface each email with :
Please remember I am only the messenger, and as such I do not wish to be involved in any disagreements between yourselves that you may have. DM has requested I tell you this:
(text of what DM wishes him to know)
Then send and request a delivery or read receipt, so you can tell DM he has got the message.

When you say terminal, how long is the prognosis? If it's going to be short term then you may have to continue to deal with it. If it's going to be a few years then you have to tell DB to contact her.

Whatca's got the right idea. Refuse to be their messenger, and absolutely refuse to talk to one of them about the other.

Sorry for your situation OP. It sucks. Everyone stropping around being emotional and dramatic whenever they want for years and years and when you get emotional in a stressful situation people think you are being dramatic!

I would tell your dm that you are not conveying any messages from her to him and vice versa as this is not going to help either of them at all. No more go-between. But that you will of course keep your brother up to date with what is going on.

Then do exactly that. Imagine what a reasonable sibling would do and do that. So if your mother gets bad or good news ask her if it is ok to share with db and then text or call him saying "just to let you know mum has been offered another round of chemo" or whatever. If his response is anything about the relationship between him and his mother, stop him and say "I know you have issues with mum but I'm just telling you the facts - not asking you to do anything".

Ditto with her. If he says "tell mum I am thinking of her" do that. If he says "tell mum I'd be happy to come and see her if she would only acknowledge how wrong she was on her last visit" tell him that he needs to convey that message himself.

You basically have to parse very carefully what is your duty as a daughter and a sister (I would say just to keep each of them informed of simple facts they wish to share) and your absolute refusal to be any kind of a go-between.

It sucks - sorry OP.

@BumbleBeee69 sorry i didnt mean to snap at you I'm just worned down that's all.

I love them both but I'm also angry with both of them. Over the years they've both created so much drama and tension. Whenever ive tried to set up boundaries something will happen and i get dragged back in. My other family members have never been in this position so their well meaning advice grates a bit since they also put me in this position when i was a kid. Perhaps this is all just compounding issues from when my parents split. Using your kid as piggy in the middle can cast long shadows

Don't worry about that atall Piratepolly I'm not offended in any way, it's a very difficult situation you find yourself, I do feel for you