I don't know how to tell the dad or if I should?

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Hi guys.

I wish I was writing under more happy circumstances.... have been dating a man off and on for the past year (not exclusively). We ourselves are a very stable and strong couple, the "off and on" comes from the fact he has an older married friend from Sydney who he sleeps with reguarly. The first time it was because he lied to me about her being here, and then we got back together after a few months break. He said the nature of their relationship isn't romantic but she pays him etc so I can imagine theres a great deal of obligation there on both ends, whatever the nature is.

I'm 23 and found out 2 weeks ago I am pregnant with his baby. I have been on the pill and not missed a day but the nurse I spoke to said a recent bout of antibiotics could be to blame. I had a pregnancy scare once before when I was with him and he didn't react very well. It sort of felt like he punished me (said he didn't want to sleep with me for a while, and things could go back to normal when this was all "over") and sort of pressured me into agreeing for an abortion.

I'm entirely in over my head. I don't want to have an abortion and don't think I'm strong enough to go through that kind of guilt and grief. But I'm also terrified of being a single mother. I haven't told him, and I don't know how to do that either. I'm scared he will leave me immediately and say he can't see me anymore and make me feel like this is my fault.

The other woman is also a factor here. I am scared that if she has a great deal of power over him as well as emotional and financial investment, she may not take it well. If I've been an idiot and there is something romantic there (very difficult for me to believe since she lives interstate and is 28 years his senior and he is very immature) then it could be even messier. I'm also scared he will think I have deliberately gotten pregnant ("baby trapped") him because of her, and because of the earlier scare.

Any advice on how to tell him or how to deal with the potential aftermath would be GREATLY appreciated.

Don’t have an abortion if you don’t want one and are coerced into it. You will feel guilt and regret. I don’t think you are a ‘very strong and stable couple’ at all - you are the vulnerable one in the relationship and scared he’ll leave you, accepting of his strange link to the OW and worried about telling him that you’re having his baby!

Is he much older than you? Do you have a strong support network around you with friends and family? Can you talk to your parents/friends about this?

There are lots of successful single parents out there - it will be hard. Parenting full stop is hard, but sometimes easier to do on your own than with the wrong person. Things happen and unfortunately life doesn’t tend to throw you the perfect life you thought you’d have, but gives you another one. Tell him of course - you maybe pleasantly surprised by his reaction, but also be prepared for the worst and know what YOU want. Also, congratulations!

Okay, so you're pregnant by a male prostitute, who seems to be using you for sex. It certainly doesn't sound like a romantic relationship to me. And he certainly doesn't sound like a keeper.

He insisted last time you thought you were pregnant that you should have an abortion. So you know what his reaction is going to be. I would just text him. If he wants the baby he'll get in touch. Who knows, he might suddenly come good.

In the meantime you have to weigh up the guilt and grief of having an abortion against twenty years of potentially very hard slog in bringing up a child. If you're in America I'm guessing that's much more difficult than in the UK, and it's very difficult here. But if you want to keep the baby start building support networks among family and friends, or charities that support single parents. Don't let church charities try and pressure you into giving the baby up for adoption if that's not what you want. But if you're terrified of being a single parent perhaps adoption is the way forward? It needs very careful consideration though.

I hope it works out for you.

You don't need to be asking questions about him, but rather do I have a support network eg family who could help if I have the child? How will I pay for the child, could I still work in current role? Where would I live and is it sustainable if I had to stop work?

I had a baby as a singleton and in hindsight I would have given much less of a shit about what the father would do or say.

Do not underestimate how hard this is going to be as a young single parent and also don’t think even on some subconscious level that telling this man is going to make him have a change of heart towards you. I honestly speak from experience. My dd father wanted me to have an abortion, then turned nasty when I didn’t, he flip flopped around about it until she was about 3 months old then disappeared and hasn’t been heard of since (she’s now almost 4 years old.) I have made it work (was a bit older than you when I had her) but there is a lot of sacrifice and the feeling of that rejection from someone you care about is hard to overcome, realising that they don’t give a shit about you or their own baby or how you will manage.
All I will say is: no mercy, get child support in place from the get go. If I could go back that’s what I would do.
You will be ok and my dd changed my life for the better but it’s changed almost everything for me. Work, relationships with friends and potential partners, personal aspirations. It’s worth it but do not be romantic about this situation.

We ourselves are a very stable and strong couple, the "off and on" comes from the fact he has an older married friend from Sydney who he sleeps with reguarly. The first time it was because he lied to me about her being here...

And she pays him? You sound remarkably blase about your partner off shagging somone else.

You are not a 'strong and stable' couple at all. Your partner is fucking around with someone else behind your back and lying about it.

I'd assume he will not be helpful or supportive at all, and would plan to go it alone if I wanted to keep the baby. Do you have a job? A home? Do you live with your partner? Do you have family and a support network? If you decide to keep the baby, go though CMS and ensure your partner provides financial support.

Only you can decide - have the baby and be prepared for it to be a tough slog by yourself, or have an abortion and deal with any feelings of guilt and regret.

As for how to tell your partner, if you can't face telling him in person, how about over the phone or by text? Don't let him make you feel guilty. It wasn't your fault. And it's your body and it's up to you whether you have this baby or not.

I wish you all the best.

Hi OP - I see you've got an identical active thread over in Chat from last night too?