Is being married important ? And if you are not , what are the reasons why ?

[mozhe]

.....we have been invited to `a ' 20- years -since- we -met-party '... by a pair of unmarrieds...who didn't want to miss out on celebrating their achievement...It got me thinking

Fio and Anna I agree with you both.

I don't think the question is about being married or not. It's about commitment, and loyalty, and love, and making the other person happy. However each individual couple chooses to do that is up to them.

For me, marriage meant a lot. My dad was an adulterer and I was determined that if I ever got married I would learn from his mistakes, and always make sure I remember why I married H in the first place.

So after 14 years with H, he recently had an affair, but I forgave, took him back, wanted to work on whatever issues led to it happening. But sadly H does not have the same values. Like you say, I could 'give' everything I have (and I pretty much have done), but if he doesn't give the same in return it can't possiby work.

Strangely, H comes from a stable home and his parents have been together since teenagers and happily married for 30 years. Can't explain that one!
I think perhaps H's role models have made things look 'easy' in hiding any problems they've ever had... so the minute our relationship got hard he decided it somehow mustn't be 'right', and bailed out...

Interesting thread

mylittlestar - sorry to hear about your problems.

Indeed, there is a bigger issue than marriage and that is commitment. Not blind commitment, but understanding

dp and I have jumped the broomstick 13 times but we havent yet got round to the legal ceremony yet (one day I'll get myself organised). Wont be doing a wedding day as thought of organising that makes me want to run screaming adn the stress might be enough to split us up .

Yes, imo. I definitely felt different after getting married, part of a team instead of two individuals who happened to be living together. It felt like the relationship was cemented and our wedding was a public declaration of that. Me and dh don't always have an easy relationship but underneath we both know we want to grow old grey and wrinkly together.

I thought being married was very important - pity my husband didnt

But I would get married again to another willing punter if the opportunity arose

IMO commitment, loyalty and marriage are all highly overrated. I know so many married couples where they are stuck in unhappy relationships because of "commitment" or "marriage vows". And one where one person constantly belittles the other but the belittled one feels obliged to "work at the marriage".

I'm committed to DP for the moment, we're jointly committed to co-parenting, but once the children are grown up, I don't see any reason why I shouldn't bugger off into the sunset if I feel like it. Or why DP shouldn't at that point. Maybe we will grow old and wrinkly together, but I don't see that the lifelong commitment of monogamy is necessarily ideal. If we do stay together for ever, it'll be because we are happy together, not because of any promise we made decades before.

being married is important to me, for me. I wouldn't dream of judging anyone for not feeling like I feel about it, but for me, it matters.

I like the feeling of being married. I like that it makes me feel like a secure unit. And God help me and protect me from the feminists about to come at me with baseball bats but I like being Mrs.

My friend has been married and divorced three times and is actively hunting for another husband as being married is so important to her!
The poor chaps are swept along in her wake as she chants her mantra - 'I don't want to live together, I need commitment'. Perfect example of how being married is not an indicator of commitment between the parties.

Hmm have been thinking about this again as I just went to a friend's wedding and she gave me her bouquet (not threw it - actually singled me out! ) Been with DP nearly 10 years and I think we should get married - especially since Yorkiegirl's advice - and I kind of do want to be married to him, but... there are so many complications - he hates weddings, they freak him out, we both grew up as the children of bitterly unhappy marriages that ended in divorce, we both shudder at words like "husband" and "wife" (however hard I try, "wife" to me sounds like someone who gets downtrodden and disrespected - I don't mean that about any of you married people, but it's just in my own history and head and I can't shake it off) - plus we both hate being the centre of attention and would probably both implode with stress if we tried to arrange a big day. OTOH, I would want to celebrate and I wouldn't want an ultra-low-key registry office lunchtime special - because that's what my parents did and I would want to do it differently...

• I like to think I've left my dysfunctional upbringing behind but in this case I find it very hard to escape from my parents' bad example.

Snowleopard Both our parents are divorced (I guess you share in the nightmare that we have of trying to see everyone throughout the year when there are effectively now four sets of parents to get round) but that makes me more determined to try not to stuff it up myself.
I like being called a wife, maybe because one day I reckon my dh might get a knighthood and so I may end up as Lady petitfilou by default

Now Lady Snowleopard - that I could handle

Maybe what we need to do is get married but when talking about eahc other to other peole, we must agree always to refer to "My lord" and "My lady".

I would actually love that!

Not important enough to me to bother spending money on a wedding now after 12 years - may get round to it one day. The money/hassle factor (families) is what puts me off. Also a vague sense of why do I have to prove myself to anyone, we know what we feel etc

Snowleopard, well, having your dh introduce you as my wife, Lady Snowleopard, takes it to a whole new level doesn't it....
My dh sometimes calls me Bird but in a postmodern ironic way , not quite the same....

Being married to dh is important to me. I have been married for almost 5 years and with dh for 12 years.
I don't believe in rushing into marriage, and I don't think it is for everyone.

I like the security of it and the fact that we have the same name, I also like being a Mrs. I am old fashioned I guess, but that's how I like it!

Well I'm not married and never have been. I'm single and intend to remain so, not into monogamy or couplehood.
But I like weddings/commitment ceremonies. That's why I've chosen the line of work I'm starting on. But whether the ceremonies people hold are to marry legally, celebrate 20 years togehter or commit to each other for 12 months and a day, monogamously or in threesomes or whatever, it's up to them.

After the breakdown of my marriage, I am loathe to go down that path again. I would rather just be in a stable, committed relationship that makes me and my daughter happy, sod the signing on the dotted line bit.

That said I am a girl after all lol and currently in the heady days of a new relationship. And when I am being all loved up and soppy, thoughts of marriage to pop, unbidden into my brain. I quell them pretty quickly though!!!

If I did get married again I would NOT have the works....did that last time and hated every second of it.

errrm....spot the mistake! Thoughts of marriage DO pop....not TO pop. I blame my hormones lol!

I don't think being married makes too much difference to a relationship - my feelings didn't change after I got married and I didn't feel any more complete than when we were just cohabiting.

Dp is just my "boyfriend" in RL, that's wierd. On mn when I type Dp it reads so much better than "boyfriend" sounds iyswim?
Used to think I wanted to marry dp, now I'm not so sure. That's not a reflection on marriage, just on dp today.