ExH refusing to have contact & only wanting to communicate via DC

[trackerc]

Needing some structured thinking on this. ExH has messaged to say he intends not to be in direct contact with me as he believes it should be with 11yr old in text messages & all info relayed through them.
He has history for avoiding anything & believes he can just say how something will be & then refuse to talk about it again as he's made his position clear.
In recent weeks he has returned DC approx 1&half hours late for return of contact & DC had to text me & was v anxious & messaging apologising as she knew she shouldn't be late.
This is not right is it? Contact on parenting shouldn't be responsibility of a child. There's no DV, no arguments, but I know he seethes when I ask a basic question. Yet I send him photos if there's been a particular event or update on school stuff (he didn't go to her school leaving party, parents evening etc so most contact is what I consider to be helpful to him)
What he's now announced in terms of text messaging with DC being the future contact puts our DC under unnecessary pressure that 2 grown ups should manage. How the F ought I respond?

Making your child be the go-between for the two of you is abusive. No child needs to be involved in that. Tell him that.
Agreeing to only written contact (text or email) is fine, but it's not right to put this burden on your child. If he's such a delicate flower that he can't communicate directly with you, then he can use (and pay) a solicitor, or rope in a relative. But not your child.

Thank you. That's what it feels. It's intended to be avoidant of responsibilities & he has put pressure on DC to please & appease him.
I know if I send that suggestion that it's abusive to him he will blow. I dread most contact anyhow but I accept that's for me to deal with, not the burden of a child.

Don't say it's abusive then, but do tell him that you feel it's too much of a burden for the child. Nobody wants to know the details of their parents' problems.

Firstly, talk to your child and let her know that her being used as her father’s mouthpiece will never make you angry with her. Secondly, tell the cheeky fucker that as far as you are concerned any messages he relays through your child will be messages you won’t hear and as such, lateness, inconsiderate behaviour etc will be noted and will be used as evidence of placing an unnecessary emotional burden on a child later. He is of course free to communicate with you directly or indirectly via a solicitor but through your child is unacceptable due to the burden and difficult position it places her in.

State your position and if he persists follow through. I know, easier said than done disengaging from someone’s abusive bullshit but it has the added bonus of demonstrating to your daughter how to handle a difficult situation with strength.

Take the phone from you DD. She's getting anxious and it will literally tear her apart emotionally and psychologically.

Arrange a set day, get a new sim and give him the number for contact arrangements, but stop any ad hoc and make them a fixed as you are not prepared to be messed around and its damaging for DD to be in the middle
If it doesn't work stop contact.
I see you are taking it upon yourself to be responsible for his interest in her life. Don't. Stop it. He can do that himself. Stay away from him.

Sorry don't have much advice but have an 11 year old DD as well and wouldn't have her under this sort of pressure either. Agree with Shriek that you should stop sending him photos and info about the DC. If he can't be bothered to go to parents evenings etc that's his problem. It seems like a way to control you or get back at you by not communicating with you directly and bringing the DC home later than planned. Very stressful I would imagine

The wisdom of MN is amazing. Thank you.
Anyway I've let him know that plans arrangements & contact remains with the 2 parents & this is not the burden of a child. I also gave an example of when she was anxious as he'd left it to her to message me about his being very late i.e. took her to a restaurant 10 minutes before she was supposed to be home. She was messaging to say 'we have ordered now, I've said we are going to be late' 'we've asked for the bill' 'I've said I'll have dessert to take out, I'm v sorry mum' etc. I'd replied at the first message to say it's fine as I knew it was in no way her fault or responsibility but she knew it was not ok & was sensitive that she'd been put in that predicament. Sorry if that's drip feeding.
I have wrestled with the not sending info & pics & realise it means he can continue shit parenting that doesn't put him out while demonstrating to anyone that he knows how she's doing, has lovely pics of her etc. The bottom line when I've tried to balance it out is that she is proud of things & enjoys talking about these key events & Id want to protect her from thinking her dad doesn't care enough to go to them. So yes, I've lied & told her he was working (which he's not) so was busy/called away etc because my priority is to make sure she is confident in being loved & cherished. I have begun to be less enabling to him & she definitely knows more that he hasn't bothered. Her first term in high school he didn't go to any meetings or first parents evening. I didn't chase him which I'd have normally done.
That devastated but 'it's fine' brave face is heartbreaking though.

I just wanted to add. That's protecting him, not her. She absolutely needs to know who he is. I can promise you will do her no favours hiding the painful reality of who he is,as this will prevent her from protecting herself.

That's not a judgement on you, but he will really on that from you, and it can lead to quite dangerous situations him thinking he can get away with this.

The situation in the restaurant, you need to take back control by telling her that you are always going to stick to original plans, she has nothing to apologise for, but that you will be collecting her, as planned.
This takes the burden from her shoulders. She doesn't have to say anything, and she will see what he's doing

And give her a different phone number, take out the old sim

*not really....rely

Buy a book and ask him to sign it at every contact and write any notes about next contact. Then at least you have a way to communicate vital info