Cheated and love other man..... I think

[coco2303]

This is going to be a long post so I apologise in advance 🤦‍♀️

With my partner for 8 years and have 2 dc. We have certainly been through our ups and downs with trust issues (but that's young love i was 17 when we met).
We then went on to have a daughter who was stillborn 😓 that was back on 2012. Our rainbow in 2013 and everything was great. Our baby in 2014.... And then I just don't know what happened.

I thought this is my life I'm a mom with a partner. The having 2 under 2 was hard work and he wasn't supportive at all. He told me I do nothing to make him want to marry me. And one night got drunk and forced himself on me ( to have anal sex) which he only stopped when I punched him repeatedly in the face and started crying.
We stayed together but his lack of support with our girls and general running of the household. Along with these other things tipped me over the edge. But I stayed.... it was a blip.... right

2016 I get introduced to a male family friend. Good looking, handy man, kind ect ECT.
We hit it off right away but was just friends. But I started lying to my partner so I could go and see this guy. Not even for sex but just to see him. Then things did get heated and we slept together.

I knew I had to end my relationship.... I didn't tell my partner what I had done.... But I knew it was wrong.

Partner moves out and I see this guy alot more. For a year and a half. He showed me so much love, but sometimes too much. As I have children I didn't want to rush into telling the world I was seeing him. Which was a problem. We would constantly argue about my children's father ect.
So I called an end to that aswell.......

My girls father is now loving with me since last week as he was made homeless. And I believe he has realised his past mistakes and wants to make ammends.

The other guy has moved away (3 hour drive) but I am so so confused.

In an ideal world it would work with my children's father as they love him and love spending time with him.... But I am so so scared that I am just a horrible person and I couldn't do that as I think I love the other man.

This possibly doesn't make alot of sense and not sure if I am having a mid life crisis here. And not sure whether anyone can actually advise me on what to do.

I want to do the right thing for my children but feel I'm just going to fuck it all up

feel I'm just going to fuck it all up

That ship has sailed, surely?

Look, you've admitted you love the other guy, not your ex. Your ex of course says he's changed - he's homeless and sees an opportunity to stay permanently again.

Give your head a wobble. Stay single.

Give your head a wobble. Stay single.

This a hundred times over.

Don't be so dependent on having a man in your life, you've been constantly with someone since you were 17. Your ex is only interested because you're an easy option for him.

You are only 25.
It’s not a midlife crisis...😂😂😂

Your Ex is only ‘remorseful’ because he became homeless. If two children weren’t enough to want to marry you back then - nothing ever will.

Stop letting Ex using you as a free hotel. And move on with your life.

OMG the man raped you and is ni sponging off you he is not a good person! The other guy you argued with most of the time, so much drama, I’d stay single and enjoy making your own choices and enjoying your girls, get the dirty creep out you home, he’s using you again, I’d have got him charged.

You see on the whole I get on with my girls dad.... the anal thing was out of character and once. Although it made me lose my trust with him in that department.

I agree with staying single as that takes confusion out of the mix.
I just feel that me cheating was a horrible thing to do and also never ever saw myself doing that either.

I can't say I didn't enjoy it as it was lovely to feel appreciated. But yes the drama was way too much to cope with.

My girls ask every day for their daddy and that's why I agreed he could come here tempora9until he finds somewhere else. He does and will pay his way.

I guess I'm just more worried about my mental stability and doing what is right for my girls

How is it out of character if he actually did it OP, sorry but please stop minimising, it's who he is, he rapes, sorry if that's hard to read.

Honestly, I'd feel less bothered about cheating than forcing myself on another human being, that's actually a criminal offence with incurs charges!

Sorry he's only there out of convenience, he's not sorry at all for what he did, he did it because he's a horrible dirty bastard.

Plenty children flourish between two parents, you don't have to stay with him out of guilt; I'd not have him anywhere near me.

I do appreciate your honesty. And that obviously did cross my mind that of it was anyone else straight away even he himself would class it as rape.
So deep down I know what it is. I say pit of character as that was the first and last time he has ever done anything like that. Although I can't even describe how I felt at the time. Guess I was so shocked.

In the grand scheme of everything else going on it did seem the least of my problems.
Obviously having problems having children. To having my little beauties and just feeling so alone.

I say I think I love the other man as I don't think I am in the right mental state to say for definate.
And I do agree being single and concentrating on my girls and myself is the best way forward. I guess I am looking for happiness but don't know what I am looking for.

When i was 18 I was raped..... locked in a house went straight to police once I got out. So by no means am I purposely minimising what my girls father did. I guess it's just harder for me to make sense of

I think they’re both a dead loss OP. On the plus side you’re young and I’m sure you can find someone better than either.

Really sorry to hear that OP but no matter what, he did rape you I'm afraid; that shows a very flawed individual, you are worth so much more, you don't have to forgive just because he's the dad, he can still parent but be kind to yourself, not to him, he will let you down again, if not in this way it will be in another way, he's not a nice or good person, sorry.

Uh...

Are you seriously considering living with someone who raped you, only stopped when you punched him repeatedly in the face, in the same house as your two girls?

Why would you want him anywhere near them?

Blood relation doesn't give you a free pass to anything at all.

There are plenty of guys out there who WON'T rape you. Maybe try more than one of them before concluding that you've completely fucked up your life. Especially since, if I'm reading this right, you've only had two partners - period.

Go date some random people, see what happens. Absolutely positively don't let a homeless rapist live in your house. Do you see how nuts that sounds when you write it down?

I am firmly of the view that affairs are rarely black and white, and that while your circumstances are not a justification of how your life panned out they do go some way towards explaining how you ended up in the situation you were in.

However, having split from your ex and then having gone on to have an unsuccessful relationship with the man you left him for, the reality is that you are now in a position of being able to start your life afresh.

Having had an affair in the past doesn’t mean that you owe your ex anything. The way he treated you is enough reason to have left him even if there hadn’t been another man in the picture. And the OM is now out of the picture because that relationship just wasn’t meant to be.

As for allowing the ex back for the sake of your DD’s,so many times people talk about letting the ex back for the sake of the kids, but the reality is that the kids won’t always be kids,and then what? What happens to your relationship with this man once they are grown and have moved forward with their own lives? Or indeed once they’re old enough to realise what kind of a person he is?

You are already split from this man. Don’t find reasons to take him back just because you feel you somehow owe it to the DD’s to do so.

Take this opportunity to live your life for you and in time relationships may happen for you,but you don’t need a man to be fulfilled. I promise you that.

Read back what you wrote: how can you believe he has realised the error of his ways when he has become homeless and needs a place to stay?

Also, he is a rapist.

He is a rapist.

He is a rapist.

Thank you all for your replies. That's why I came in mumsnet as I know there is a range of ages and experiences.

I love being a mom and have a fear of 'bringing another man' into their lives.
And after a failed try at another relationship ( I didn't have him around my kids) . My thoughts were just a case of is it better the devil you know.

Yes i am young and I'm sure I would meet other people. But I have a fear of meeting anyone new and (after a while) introducing them to my kids as 'my partner '.

I didn't think I would be lucky enough to have children and I now have 2. And I know divorce happens all the time and alot of kids from separated parents have a great life.... others feel the impact full force.

And I am scared of being responsible for damaging my children's mental well being and future relationships

Ps. I know i sound like a moaner.

I know i won't be happy in a relationship with my girls dad. And that's what pushed me to post on here. But I don't even know how to live forward

You don’t sound like a moaner! Stop beating yourself up.

The way to give your girls the best childhood and the best chance at a happy healthy future is to model happy healthy behaviour with good boundaries and functional and loving relationships. You can do that now by ending all but necessary coparenting ties with their dad. He’s not a good partner, he’s treated you really badly and he’s not going to bring you happiness. He’s not, OP.

When you do have another relationship in the future, you deserve to be cherished and respected and to have someone in your life who treats you with care and makes you feel safe and secure and hopeful. That’s not going to happen with either of these men who’ve made your life harder!

Your daughters need and deserve a happy mum who stands on her own two feet and doesn’t need a man, especially not a horrible one.

Draw a line over what’s happened, stop giving yourself a hard time, kick him out and focus on yourself and being the best mum you can be.

annelovesgilbert you have actually made me cry with your response.
And to all of you thank you for listening feel like I am about to bubble over. No one knew about all of this. Not the anal thing or the other man.... not even my mom 🤦‍♀️ and we are generally very close.

I hope you are right and I will try my damn hardest to give my girls the best of me, and be the best mom I can be

I just feel that me cheating was a horrible thing to do

That's because it was. I agree, stay single. Wait until you are able to enter a relationship where you will end it rather than cheat. No excuse for cheating, ever. And I have no sympathy for cheaters, they usually get what they deserve.

Your (abusive!) ex needs to sort his own life out. Not your problem, except supporting the DC and facilitating him seeing them.

Whatever you do, don’t get back with him and don’t let him continue to live with you and the DC.

The other man lives too far away to be practical.

Best be single and work on your “boundaries” etc before dating again - something like the (UK) Freedom Programme.

If it helps, my mother and father divorced when I was young, about 5. They didn't love each other any more, effectively.

Since that divorce my father has remarried, but I've never lived with him, just spent holidays there.

My mother has (apart from one or two short/medium term relationships) stayed single. I lived with her from birth to 18 when I went to Uni.

I'm a pretty well balanced and healthy individual - I'm compassionate and loving to my partners and have a decent amount of friends, no mental health problems, nothing.

Having two parents in your house is not required to be "normal". Your children will grow up perfectly fine without a Dad in the house! If not, then surely millions of children the world over would be turning out much worse than they are, right?

Date for yourself, love for yourself, do what makes yourself happy. Don't get involved with a partner because you think that it's what your kids need.

What your kids need, above all, above literally anything else, is for you to be happy, and to look after yourself, so that you can look after them.

Despite what you might read on MN, we (men) aren't all bastards. It's not a case of "the devil you know" because most men aren't devils at all. Most of us are honestly decent people just trying to find happiness the same as you. Best of luck!