Stressful situation

[Emma60]

Hi

I wonder if you can offer some advice, my husband has a friend who he has know for a long time but does not keep in contact with really at all now. Recently he had problems in his marriage and out of the blue last week messaged my husband to ask if he could stay for "a few weeks" just to get away for a while. We have children and no spare room so obviously although his situation is bad we really don't have the room. My husband made me feel so bad about this though and got back to him to say that he would let him know. His friend has now found somewhere to stay for a few weeks which is great but my husband is still adamant that he is going to contact him at some point and ask him to stay with us. I have tried to say that at present he knows nothing about his friends situation, - is he planning on going back home at all, does he have somewhere to stay at home, does he have a job at the moment . My concern is that his friend arrives and doesn't leave for a while. I am so stressed about this and it has caused massive arguments I keep thinking its nearly Christmas what if we had someone staying in our house over Christmas. I don't want you to think I am an uncaring person I am really not but this is causing me untold stress and anxiety. I don't want to ask my husband again what he is planning to do I am just hoping that the longer it is left the chances are nothing will happen however on the other hand I think the longer it is left the more chance there is of his friend being here over Christmas, can you let me know your thoughts. I cant eat or sleep for thinking about this. I really want to message his wife and ask what is going on , where is he staying when go goes back home etc but as we have not spoken to them for so long it just seems wrong to do this as it is like I am interfering.

OMG! I hope to goodness that your husband would never allow someone to come and stay when you have said no. Keep saying no. You are not being kind, you are being realistic. You have no spare room. You have kids. It would be a disaster.

As you said, you don't even know if he has a job and might even be under your feet all day. It sounds horrendous. Do not let your husband make you feel guilty!

I am sure this guy will be able to find a friend who does have a spare room!

He's already found somewhere to stay so why is your DH offering? And where is he suggesting he stay in your house? I'd be having a serious chat with your Dh about respecting your wishes and home.

See this is my argument as well he has already found somewhere to stay. I think he feels guilty for not offering a place to stay initially and by offering now it will make him feel a bit better. I said that he should just message him say really sorry I couldn't help, we really dont have the space and really glad you found somewhere to stay, phone me if you fancy a chat. I know that I am imagining a scenario that has not happened yet but I am finding this really hard to let go of as the uncertainty of it all is making me feel ill.

Totally get where you're coming from aswell Emma, It's hard sharing a house with people you don't know very well, it's even hard to share with people you don't usually live with. You have to be in almost constant "polite mode" and it's hard to relax

You are not being unreasonable to say no to someone you never see coming to stay indefinitely when you have no spare room and don't know his circumstances. Don't let your husband guilt trip you into it just because he's feeling guilty himself.

Does your husband do all the cooking / shopping / cleaning / change the beds etc. or do you do most of it? Is your husband saying you have to massively increase your workload to make him look like the big man? No, no, and thrice no.

Thanks a lot for the messages I dont feel such a b**ch now. My problem is I overthink everything and I also allow myself to get treated sometimes like a bit of a doormat to avoid confrontation. Part of me is thinking well if I dont give into this will my husband up and leave me before Christmas or will he not speak to me etc - see classic overthinking :)