Being "approachable"

[GraceMarks]

I'm really nervous about starting this thread because it's inevitably going to be very personal to me, but I've steeled myself and I am genuinely looking for constructive advice, so here goes.

I have been told by various people over the years that I'm intimidating and unapproachable, and that men don't try to talk to me because I give off the impression that I want to be left alone. One friend said that I give out, and this is a direct quote, "fuck-off vibes".

I suppose that this is true, since I've been told it by completely unrelated people at different times, but I honestly don't mean to be that way and I desperately want not to be. I think that because I'm very introverted and lacking in confidence, and I have a rather acerbic sense of humour once you get to know me, it comes across that I'm aloof so people don't want to approach me. I'm not naturally smiley either, being afflicted with resting bitch face...

I would like to know what makes other people feel that someone is approachable and if it's possible to make yourself more like that. I have to admit it's useful at times to apparently be intimidating, as I almost never get unwanted attention from randoms, but the flipside is that I never get any wanted attention either!

Haaaiii fellow resting 'bitchface' friend!

I feel your pain so much, I have been told by so many people that I give off those vibes and that I don't have a friendly face. One of my closest friends thought I hated him until he got to know me because every time I bumped into him I had a 'fuck off' look on my face. Like you I can be shy and I am an introvert so this is my 'face the world' face. It just happens naturally, I look unapproachable.

I have found that the only way to get over the icy phase with people is to jump straight into conversations about something you are excited about. I am really bad at small talk so I know that going to a generic bar/exercise class/insert any social activity will not help me get to know people. It's only when I am deeply interested in something or get excited about something that I start to open up without thinking too much about it. So for example, I love metal/rock music. I have gone to festivals/concerts on my own and have met new people because I would be standing next to someone and said something along the lines of 'I love this song' or 'I wish they played x song' which is more of a personal wish rather than a conversation starter but people respond because they want to express their side. Another example is going to a lifting dedicated gym. I powerlift but used to go to a chain gym, I spent hours and hours alone there and everybody avoided me while they always got in friendly conversations with others because I used to sit in the corner between sets feeling awkward. I went to another gym which was filled with people who loved weightlifting, and asked if I could join their female team. One of them is now my best friend. She actually said to me that I looked distant to begin with but then I started talking about lifting and it was like my entire body and face relaxed and suddenly I was mingling with everyone and looked really friendly.

I'd say make your own rules about how you meet people and do it in a way that doesn't make you think 'shit this is it, I have to be sociable' now. Am I making sense? This was a bit of a word vomit...

You can’t change your resting face, but you don’t have to keep your resting face on all the time. Smile. A lot. Keep your head looking straight ahead, not at the ground. If you make eye contact with someone , smile at them. And laugh at people’s jokes. And nod, pretend to be interested in conversation, give verbal prompts like “yes, really, right” - that sort of thing. It shows you’re listening, and everyone likes to be listened to.
If you only “light up” when you find someone (or a conversation) really interesting, then you will spend much of your time unlit. And people want warm to you.
You have to endure a fair amount of boring chatter to get to the soulmate people .

BadBear yes, it made perfect sense. Trying to force enthusiasm never works and I hate the standard advice that you have to go and join random evening classes if you want to meet people/make friends.

Mintychoc1 I'm really self-conscious about my smile. I have a naturally down-turned mouth and when I try to force a smile (as opposed to when it happens naturally) it looks extremely odd and unattractive. I was once a bridesmaid for a good friend and the wedding photographer kept having to retake all the pictures with me in because I was apparently grimacing instead of smiling. I was really trying my best but it was not working!

Despite everything, I do actually have friends. My issue is romantic partners - men seem to be scared of me and unwilling to make approaches, and I don't have the confidence to go to them, so I never get anywhere...

I think people who don't struggle with it don't realise how excruciating it can be and how self-conscious it can make you. I am sure it has crossed your mind to smile more often but it's the knowledge that it won't look right that stops you. And I know what you mean about the pictures... I only have a few good ones of me smiling which look natural and were taken when I didn't know someone was taking a picture.

Hmm.. Men, let's see. I will not even suggest online dating because I am not a big fan. Just throwing a couple of ideas out there:

Try hanging out with people you already know and ask them to bring other people along you don't. They will have other friends and you will expand your social circle naturally and you never know who they might bring along. Everyone must know at least one person who could be a match for you

Take advantage of extrovert friends/acquaintances who you have common hobbies/interests with. Go to a related function and start off together ask them to introduce them to people in the group, let them start the conversation and it will unfold naturally.

I always found that the trick was to focus on feeling relaxed and comfortable first, form some kind of relationship then worry about whether they like me or not or if there was chemistry.

Be open about how this is just your look not how you feel. I told my fiance within the first two minutes of meeting him for our first date - he just met me through common acquaintances - that I suck at small talk and that the uninterested look on my face was just natural. It made him laugh and it broke the ice.

Have you tried anything specific to try and meet someone?

BadBear I haven't tried anything in a while. I did the OLD thing and I'm not a fan - I don't photograph well, as we know (!), and so much of OLD hinges on having a decent profile pic. Plus I found that the men on there aren't interested in women their own age and most of the guys who messaged me were significantly older, which isn't really what I'm looking for.

Most of the couples I know met through mutual acquaintances, and I do think that that's the way to go, so I suppose the thing I need to do is make it clearer to friends that I do actually want to meet suitable men and ask them if they know anyone. Maybe because of my general demeanour, people just assume that I've made an active choice to be single out of all the options available to me . My married friends sometimes express their admiration for what they perceive to be my independent, carefree existence! It's flattering that they think of me in that way but not exactly helpful!

I too have resting bitch-face and have experienced many, many times people saying I look stern or stuck-up or miserable. It saps all your self-confidence about your looks. I've lost count of the number of times I've been told to cheer up. If you really want to change your 'look' there's nothing for it but to smile more and if you don't like your smile it's probably because you don't see it often enough! I know it sounds cringe-inducing but before going out every day practice smiling in the mirror, relaxing your body, until you feel comfortable. I heard a saying once that "a girl with nice teeth always sees the joke" so, do you have nice teeth?

kennelmaid never heard that one before! No, my teeth are functional rather than aesthetically pleasing. To be honest there isn't much about my appearance that I like and I'm sure that isn't helping with the confidence/approachability.

How old are you OP? As we age the muscles start to sag and hence the resting bitch face. So you have to actively smile. There are no ugly smiles really, that's just in your head.

Try to make eye contact too and smile at random strangers.

Also, do you have a lot on your mind? When you talk to people, are you present? When you are at a gathering, or on the train, are you there, or are you thinking about other things? be present wherever you are and keep making eye contact with people.

But to be honest I think nobody these days talks to stangers in any case, so it's not necessarily your problem, everyone is glued to their phones in any case!!!

I'm not naturally smiley or approachable. I don't like how I look when I smile and I've seen pictures of my forced smile. Not specific to attracting men, but to making friends- etc. I'm just very nice. Compliment, ask questions, act very obviously interested in them. Do lots of verbal and non-verbal feedback.

You don't need to be approachable. You need to he likable and to be able to make it obvious that you like someone else. You can approach people yourself and that does both of those things!

Well if you give off "fuck off" vibes and have resting bitch face then basically the ball is in your court about how you deal with that.

The obvious advice to NOT give fuck off vibes and NOT have resting bitch face is obvious.

Apart from that, one solution would be to find a way of signalling to a guy that you are directly interested, in a way that you're brave enough to do. This could range from:

• winking
• smiling (despite how much you hate it)
• nodding
• waving (not huge wave, little one)
• buying him a drink
• asking him a question, and then sticking around after the answer, maybe ask a follow up question, and see how he responds to you, for example in a bar/pub "Hey, random question, I've never tried drink X before, have you ever had it? What did you think? If not, what do you recommend here?" or similar.
• if you're out with friends then getting them to assist/encourage you with any of the above

But from what you've said, you're not going to get randoms - either nice ones or dickheads. You will have to specifically identify and target someone yourself, and you will have to initiate in some way, shape or form.

This sounds like me many years ago...

Please don't start to fake smile and flutter your eyelashes if it's not you! ;)

You said you feel introverted and lacking in conf

When you are with someone who's company you enjoy, you will begin to smile naturally and that is something!
When "looking" for love - focus on new friends; in the workplace or hobbies etc ...friendships sometimes can evolve into more.
You said you

Personally, I was always told by female friends that I had the dreaded "resting bitch face" & it is true .. but years later realised I had social anxiety, which did not help, but unfortunately even when I smile my mouth is simply a straight line!

Sorry that posted too soon ..

It should read
Lacking in conf

Definitely not a fan of the OLD thing either. I like that human first touch, call me old-fashioned!

It's weird, people assume that because you are independent and look it then you are fine by yourself. I was the same, people thought I was happy being alone and I was but I also wanted someone to share it all with. I think you need to be independent to be able to be in a happy relationship. Definitely be more open about what you want and need and let your friends and acquaintances know that you are currently dating. The more direct you are about it the more people will want to help. Just a casual mention should do it.

Couldn't agree more with PP, focus on relationships and friendships first, the rest will come naturally.

Sethis I appreciate your taking the time to reply, but quite honestly, I am a fat middle-aged woman and I am not about to start winking and fluttering my fingers coquettishly at men. It would be grotesque and I very much doubt it would have the desired effect anyway!

I get what you're saying. I don't get approached so I need to do the approaching. It makes sense, but my looks are very much against me so it's having the confidence to do it.

I thank everyone for the advice but right now I'm leaning towards the idea of accepting my single status and maybe actually trying to become the happily independent person that everyone assumes I am.

I do not have a natural smile I laugh like no tomorrow and have been told I have resting bitch face... to which I replied " you have that so wrong I just have bitch face. . I have 3 children I do it fucking rest" apparently that is wrong.to say yet I am told I have a bitch face... hmmm... people also say hey your really nice when I get to know you... I just do not wear my feelings on my face.. And so what. If a man can't approach you because your not smiling then fuck them...

Are you Irish because it's a trait. Hate being hugged and complimented also... all my family are the same and nothing wrong with us. We are those arsehole that go to help when others turn there back it's just the way of things. I tried that approach of looking smiley and happy and my husband said I looked like a fucking psycho 🤣🤣🤣🤣 tell me something funny and my fave lights up... however ask me to smile and you will be told to fuck off....

Why change who you are you need a man with your soh and some friends who do it judge because you look like a ball breaker... good luck and keep smiling ( not)

Flirting is a way for woman to approach men, to give them the signal they are interested and won't bite their head if they ask, and it can be more subtle and less silly than winking and fluttering fingers.

user1484424013 no, I'm not Irish, I'm Yorkshire, but you're right about the rest... I think I'm a good friend and I'm usually the one making everyone laugh, but like you I just don't wear my feelings on my face. Obviously it's a disadvantage when it comes to things like this, but personally I think a big, fake rictus grin is far more off-putting than a neutral expression.

Scott72 goodness, I know what flirting is supposed to be for. I do think, though, that there comes a point in your life where you're more likely to find a partner socially through friends of friends than by trying to pick up men in bars. I would rather be single for the rest of my life than become an object of pity.

I too have resting bitch face, according to my parents, I was born with my mouth on upside down :(

People at work walk into my office, and say "bloody hell, what's up with you?" or "oooh Malibu's got a right grump on today" and I honestly haven't!! I'm just minding my own business working away.

I am very aware of it, and always try to smile when someone walks in, but I think I look like Chandler Bing when I do.

I can't change my face, I'm not miserable, it's frustrating, but other than walking around with a big grin on my face there's little I can do about it.