Advice please

[Lisa8805]

Hi I don't want to go into to much detail but basically my husband had an affair 5 years ago and the woman got pregnant. I stood by him after lots of arguing and discussions. I began to grow a bond with the child but the child's mother put a stop to that out of jealousy.
Over the past 5 years we have seen the child on and off because of many problems with the child's mother.
A huge argument was had the other day between my husband and the other woman which I was there for but didn't get to involved. The other woman started bringing up details about there affair in front of me which has now left me extremely uncomfortable and confused. I have no issue with my husband seeing his son or him coming to our house however we want to cut the mother off completely because all she ever does it cause problems. I must mention this woman is my husband soon to be step sister so she is unfortunately very involved with his side of the family. I just don't know how to go about this situation please help also me and my husband have 3 daughter's together.

Any advice would be much appreciated
Thanks

You need to take a step back, let your partner deal with the situation himself and make every effort - as you are - to make sure the child is included, welcomed and made to feel he's very special to you, your husband, the wider family and of course, your children.
That is all you can realistically do to maintain a civilised, calm, nurturing environment for all of you to live in.
Don't get caught up in the drama or the petty squabbling. Refuse to engage with anyone playing the victim card or trying to get you to bad mouth the child's mother. You need to be strong and you need to be absolutely determined to put the child first alongside your own children of course.

Why have the details of the affair left you uncomfortable and confused? Sounds like your husband lied to you and that your decision to stay with him was based on lies?

This is his mess to sort out - you need to step back.

The child is old enough for school - school is very useful for arranging handover points where the other parent isn’t present.

Sounds like you don’t have properly agreed regular child arrangements now? Why hasn’t your husband been to mediation or court over the on/off situation?

Keep in mind that this woman was also no doubt fed a pack of lies by your husband, and then got left as a single parent. Honestly, I’d have been raging inside at you forming a relationship with MY child. Don’t underestimate how hard that may be for her, to see you get to play happy families with HER child, and the man that no doubt lied to her.

I dont know what to say, but wanted to comment something.
You are a very strong woman to accept another womans child into your life!
How would you see the child if the mother would be in no contact with you?

Blimey - you are far more forgiving person than I am!!!
But as others have said.
This is HIS mess.
Step back and leave him to it.
How old are your DD's
Would you want them to stay in this situation you are in when they are older????

My daughters are 11, 9 and 8 and no I wouldn't but I chose to forgive him and I love him.
I knew the details before this particular arguing but we have all moved on. It's like it's just happened all over again.
The other woman is my husband's mothers soon to be step daughter which makes it a very complicate situation. She use to babysit my kids and we were friends.
My issue is both me and my husband don't want the drama she brings ( I know he should face consequences) it's all a bit mess really I just need somewhere to vent.
My husband isn't a bad guy...We had kids very very young we have both made mistakes I chose to forgave him and take him back and I have love for his son also but she just makes life difficult. She wants her son to see us but for the sake of our children and our marriage she can't be involved. Sorry if I rambled lol

She doesn't need to be involved. No one needs to have anything more than email contact with her and a handover that doesn't involve discussion - which is for the child's sake. That might make family occasions difficult but if she's there you just don't go.

We aren't very close to that side of the family so it won't affect us to much in that respect.

Wow tough situation
I think ell7sandra is probably right though. She sounds angry she got left a single paremt and that is not yr fault but u can bet yr H told her a pack of lies then chose to hedge. His bets and stay with you.

I agree that the advice in the second post is the only way to go.

Your DH needs to step away from his family and literally just pick up and drop off his DS for contact - grey rock the Mum.

You need to stay out of it and your husband needs to go to court to get a proper visitation order put in place.