Is he stringing me along?

[PennyPiccolo]

Hey, I'm new to the forum, however I've been a nameless lurker for a while. I apologise if this needs moving or something. I could really do with some of your often excellent advice on my situation... This might be a long read! It's hard to tell on my phone. I'll include a TL;DR at the end.

Me (27/f) and my partner (25/m) have been together for 4 years. We've lived together for 3 of those. We've had our ups and downs - largely due to my poor mental health, I 100% admit that - but I'm finally getting back to being myself again after my dad suddenly passed and took with him my small amount of coping strategies. Kicked me up the arse to get myself sorted. I take medication now and I feel genuinely happy again for the first time in years. I'm a better partner to him, as I'm able to share an equal burden of responsibility now and I'm able to communicate like an adult again. He has noticed that I'm much more relaxed and it's making our quality time together even more special. Things are good! He has been my rock throughout. He is my everything. Our politics are very similar and thats something really important to us both. He is bright, funny and kind. My family loves him and I spend time with his family without him being there. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. He really is a great man!

He recently told me he wanted to have children in the future and that he was more ready than he had ever been before. We are planning on buying our first house together next year and whilst looking at properties on rightmove, I said we will need a garden if we're planning on having kids and pets etc like we discussed.

But then he told me he didn't know if he wanted children anymore.

I was and am devastated. I'm slightly older than him anyway, and I had a fertility test 5+ years ago where the doctor mentioned I shouldn't wait too much later if I wanted my own kids. I had fairly low fertility back then but I wasn't (and I'm still not financially) ready. I just know I will be in the future.

I left him and stayed at my best friends house for a bit of space. We left things on very upsetting, but mature terms. The feeling of loss is almost unbareable.

I feel immense pressure to figure out what I want. Do I stay with this wonderful person, trusting that it's not that he doesn't just not want kids with me like has happened to so many other women? Do I stay, hoping when we are settled and older it will fall into place? Do I stay with the knowledge that our future might be childless? Or do I rip the bandaid off and try to find someone equally as perfect, but that also 100% wants kids? I want to give him time, and I will wait as long as he needs, but I don't want to cheat myself out of something that's been important to me sinse I was 15. I don't want to wait forever.

I love all children and would be more than happy to adopt if I couldn't have them biologically. But he said he can't promise me that, either. He said he may, however, be interested in fostering younger children. So I'm thinking it's probably the burden of responsibility for him that's too much for him to comprehend at 25? I know I'm asking a lot of him, but we have spoke about children often and he has lead me to believe he wanted them.

So I feel like my bubble has burst a bit. He would be a fantastic dad, he is great with kids and works as a safeguarding officer and wants to continue to work with disadvantaged kids for the rest of his life. So I know it's not that he doesn't like them or get the appeal. It is a stressful job in all honesty, and he is young and I don't want to rush into things... I'm just a bit lost.

Writing all this down has helped me see that there IS still time yet. Maybe give him another 3/4/5 years? But, would I resent that time if at the end of that he still didn't want to have children in his life?

TL;DR - Me (27/f) And partner (25/m) are in a long term, happy, and committed relationship. Partner has changed his mind on definitely wanting children. I have always been explicit that I want a family of my own, however that may look (adoption, sperm donor, egg donor etc). I may only have a few years left to conceive as I have low fertility. I don't know what to do.

Please help?

There are a lot on unanswerable ‘what if this in the future’

Go by what you know now.

In a years time, when we have bought our own house, he will NOT want to start trying to conceive and there is no definite time after that, that he will. So not in two years. Not in three years.

You know that for a fact.

Does that change your thoughts?

He is allowed to change his mind about babies. Just as you are then allowed to change your mind about him.

*your

Do you think it may be because he is worried you might not be able to cope? Perhaps he could be worried financially I think you need to sit down with him and discuss this a bit more deeply. Reacting like staying at friends house etc would be a red flag for me as Its not been a proper discussion and you've flown off and not given a chance of a mature discussion.

I would be upset too however I would need clarification and work on it together.

It could well be, I have brought these points up to him and he is struggling to give me reasons for his change of heart. He says he just doesn't know. I would feel the same if it was the other way round, but I think I'm finding it so difficult as he won't specifically give me anything to work on. He keeps saying it's nothing to do with me personally.

When it initially came up, we had quite a long conversation that ended with us both realising that this is a big thing that may potentially end our relationship. I'm home with him again and we are continuing to talk about it... I assured him I'm not ready now, I don't think I will be for years myself as I want to feel really solid in myself and our situation... but I want some sort of guarantee that in the future we will have a family.

I can only share my own experience. I'm older than my partner, always wanted kids. He wasn't sure and wouldn't commit to it. In my 30s I was well aware of my biological clock ticking and had a real sense of panic. I was 100% sure he was right for me but I felt like I had to choose between him and children. I knew that I could leave him and STILL not have kids. A few of my friends had left partners over this issue and they are now in their mid to late 40s with no kids. Because every other aspect of our relationship was so good I decided to stay with him and hope he'd change his mind. I feel Mumsnet advice is often "Leave him!" but let's be honest - it's not easy to find a good man who's single and you're compatible with. On his 30th birthday he said "Let's start trying" so we did and now have a family. If you were 10 years older my advice might be different but you are both young. My gut feeling is you should give it another few years. At 25 he might not feel ready. In a few years he might. I think you should establish there are no other issues behind his change of mind. Is he worried you'll suffer mental health problems again and not be able to cope? Is he unsure about your relationship? Good luck!

Thankyou Aussiebean. I guess if I stay, I will have to accept that our future will likely be childless and I need to figure out if that's something I can 100% do. I don't want to let resentment fester.

He's still very young and I think it's a daunting decision at that age. Could you freeze your eggs now or something if your fertility is making this an issue?

Thankyou SallyWD, it's great to get a balance and hear from people who have experienced different sides of this. My head is telling me to get out, but my heart is forcing me to stay. He truly is a great guy and I genuinely don't think I will ever meet someone that could come close to replacing him. I think I'm just reeling from having my fantasy future with him taken away. Perhaps when the dust settles I'll be able to get my head around it. Thank you again :)

That's a tough one and difficult to decide what to do. There could be many reasons for his thought on it. Perhaps he is worried deep down that having children will ruin the balance you have created following the mental health issues. Anything that could have an impact on your recovering partner's mental health is subconsciously seen as a threat. It could also be that he is too young to make that decision, and at least he is being honest with you about it and has opened up about his feelings.

I do believe you need to talk about it and not necessarily make any final decisions yet. He supported you and stayed with you so I think you have a man who cares about you there and you shouldn't throw him away based on this at this given moment. Have a discussion and identify where your feelings come from, it doesn't have to be an argument and no ultimatums need to be issued. Just a calm, adult conversation about the future but don't fixate too much on the future. Circumstances change all the time, just focus on what you want right now and on how he makes you feel.

BadBear, I needed to hear that. I think you are absolutely right. As sad as it is for me to admit, who knows whether in the future I will have the resilience necessary for children? It's something that I'm working on as a priority, but I think my commitment to my recovery was based on the incentive of being able to have children when I'm better. That's probably too much pressure for everyone involved. I'm going to stay with him and focus on just us.

Thanks for all the help, I knew you guys would have insightful advice :)

Glad we could help :) Don't think of it as a compromise, think of it as a way to become better. No one is taking away your opportunity to become a parent and nowadays there are many ways to achieve that. Should you want to have kids in the future, your kids will experience a happy, well-rounded individual who has lived life to the max. I have always thought that the parents who see kids as a beautiful addition to what they have already with their partner tend to be the best kind of parents and it sounds like you have something beautiful to work on.