How did you feel when you moved into your own place after an abusive relationship?

[Bigdreams19]

I’m in the process of leaving, hopefully in the new year. And I’m just dreaming of the day I move out, would love to hear how your lives improved after the divorce/split?

I'll be honest, and it was a very long time ago now, I felt completely shit for a couple of months and was incredibly vulnerable - it didn't help that I got attacked (by a random stranger, not my ex) in my flat shortly after. It was unconnected but I think I was so vulnerable that maybe that kind of thing was bound to happen? But things dramatically improved after that. I think part of what made it so hard was that I had gotten used to internally policing myself, and feeling guilty for things I shouldn't feel guilty for, as well as having no resilience and really missing him (MORON!). But luckily he made a huge row about splitting up and after I split up with him, he double split up with me back, screaming shouting and calling me to tell me I was shit, so that he could say he split up with me, so there was no way back.

I guess what I am saying is that you might not feel brilliant straight away but in the long term your life will be so much better. Hold onto that if there are dark times - hey you might be skipping down the road from day 1 and I hope you are x

Horrible for the first month.

Wonderful after that. When I realised I wasn’t tip toeing around, could leave the pots not done, could make what I wanted for dinner, could go to bed early (he used to insist I stayed up till all hours with him as he had insomnia), was paying my bills on full and on time, always had money in the bank (alcoholic who stole from me)

It was waves of different feelings. Mostly relief but in the evenings I'd feel sad. Would highly recommend some boxsets for the evenings and limit booze as it didn't help me process my emotions. 4 years on I'm the happiest I've ever been. Being in an abusive relationship taught me how to be so happy and grateful for all the stuff I took for granted before.

I split up with him a year ago, so been living in this house with him ever since. I'm exhausted and worn out, just ready to move and get away from him. He's just asked to borrow money, I don't want to lend him any. I always have to chase him for it, or he will give me half of what he borrowed. But I have no choice, cant say no or he will threaten/blackmail me with all sorts 😢.

I move into my new house in a month's time, but have been staying with my best friend in the interim. I've got to say I am enjoying the freedom immensely, even just sharing the house with my friend! My ex was emotionally abusive which ramped up in this past year. When we moved in together it was into a house that was an inheritance within his family and a lot of the furniture was also inherited. Over the 8 years of living with him I wasn't allowed to change anything at all. Decorating was out of the question except for my daughter's bedroom. So I'm so looking forward to making my new home mine! My daughter and I are very excited. I've lived on my own years ago when I was a single parent and my son was little. I have a great circle of friends and lots of interests. I've never been scared of being on my own. I can't wait!

We had pretty much split a year before he actually left my house just like you, living under the same roof but definitely not in love..
Sadly it was my home and he pretty much refused outright to leave until one day I said enough is enough and said if he didn't leave I would get a restraining order, it was severely affecting my own mental health and I was nearing the point that I too would become violent and I refused to stoop to his level. He eventually left and I went to stay with my parents for a month as he was violent, unstable and I was worried for my safety. He begged and begged for a relationship, a friendship anything so he could still have some sort of control over me. He blackmailed me and threatened suicide after he left, he kicked my door off its hinges and took most of the stuff from my house whilst I wasn't staying there. A couple of months down the line he was no longer harassing me I was back in my house, I was going out with friends and enjoying my life, I was becoming me again (I had been a shell of my former self for almost 5 years) and It was absolutely the best decision I ever made, probably the hardest too but without doubt the best. A few years down the line and I am now in a new relationship, pregnant and happy (truly happy), I just hope that my ex never makes the mistake again of treating someone else the way he treated me.

Hi OP, I left an increasingly toxic and EA LTR with two kids (together 21 years since the age of 17). I had been thinking about leaving for nearly 2 years so thought I had got my head around it.

I found a little rental place and moved out with the kids 4 days after telling him (the 4 days were hell). I had already set up another bank account, arranged for work to pay into that and changed my personal direct debits etc. In the first week I lost a purse with 300 quid cash in and all my cards, and I hit another parked car whilst going to the bank to cancel my cards. I was a mess for atleast 2 months. I felt like it was a dream, I was on auto pilot. I focused purely on me and the kids and trying to get by hour by hour. I was an emotional wreck even though I knew it was the right thing to do.

The hardest thing of all was managing the preceived guilt I had, and trying to keep him at arms length whilst dealing with his poor mental health (for the sake of the kids). I cried almost every day for atleast 4 or 5 months.

However I would like to say almost 2 years on, i am in a new house I rennovated, I have new friends, I am seeing someone, I have freedom and the kids are really happy. Ex has started to see someone and we have turned a corner. I couldn;t go no contact with him as we are selling a house and the kids, and even though I hated him for what he did, i still cared about him and wanted him to be ok. That was the hardest part for me, not being alone, but his behaviour and stress. Its still a type of bereavement, no matter how bad things have gotten, you still lament on the past.

What helped me was talking to friends, jounralling and exercising. For almost a year I kind of hibernated, just going at my own pace. Good luck, its tough but so worth it!

The very first night I was alone, I cooked the kids spagetti meatballs. When I was tidying up and putting the left overs in the fridge I dropped a tuppeware dish and they went everywhere. I sat on the floor and cried, then I laughed, because if that had have been in our home together he would have gone crazy (he was OCD with crumbs and shit). The sense of freedom on day 1 was there, but the learnt behaviour has taken a while to shift.

Thanks for asking this question Bigdreams19 it’s actually the first time I’ve talked about this, in this way. It helped make a few things click. I hope you really enjoy your new life. I know mine is immeasurably better now x