Perspective needed- how to move forward

[Beechtree1]

Ready to be flamed for being a bitch, but here goes.
Both mid-late 30s.
Been together 2 years. Live together happily.
I have a 12yo child from prev relationship who loves DP.
He has a step child from prev relationship that he still sees. They see their bio dad too.
My past -shit childhood, abusive relationships, pulled myself up on my own past few years or so and now doing well, happy (before and after i met DP).
His past- v happy childhood which checks out, nice family. Main prob ex who was a controlling abusive cheat. He brought up her child for many years.
Everything clicks with us, he is kind, respectful, laid back, funny, same values. Get on like a house on fire. Rarely argue. Quickly resolved. Great relationship apart from one problem.
I would like a DC with him, because he's awesome. He doesn't want children. Not anyone's fault.
I think I could work through that (and was) until he mentioned that a factor was that his ex's DC might not like it.
This has really done my head in. He keeps SDC apart from us, I've never met them. May never do. DP says they don't show interest in his life and is v much in their own bubble (as expected at that age) he is scared to suggest they come here as he says ex is 'unreasonable' and may stop contact. No rights as not bio dad. I feel ex still controls things through SDC. Has sent nasty messages to DP accusing him of not caring when he makes a huge effort with SDC. He still has to take it and not react or face losing contact. He rearranges his (and our) plans to see SDC at ex's whim. I've gone with this as I know how important it is to him.
Fwiw he was v factual about ex and never slagged her off, I'm hypervigilant for red flags!
It doesn't help that DP's mum keeps bringing ex up and feels sorry for her (doesn't know truth about violence, abuse, cheating etc). DP's dad hates her. She still feels very present in my relationship.

My worry is that I am gonna end up resenting this child (who hasn't done anything wrong) as part of the reason I can't have a child with the man I love. Which will then sour our relationship.
His ex really is vile which likely colours how I view this. I feel like her and her child are coming first here.
I don't want to be resentful and certainly don't want to make anyone feel like shit. I feel so guilty, and like a terrible person for feeling like this.
My thoughts were that I should end the relationship to avoid this.
DP wants us to stay together.
Please does anyone have any advice?

Honestly!? I'd end the relationship.
You are not a priority here.
You want more DC.
He does not! That is his choice and his decision.
You will never agree on this point.
He has way too much baggage here.
I would cut my losses and find someone who wants to involve me in the whole of their life and someone that does want children.
Your resentment will keep growing.
Cut and run now.
Sounds harsh - but this won't change!
The Ex will always be in the background controlling him because he won't stand up to her.

Not sure about advice, but here are my thoughts (FWIW).
DP is making excuses for not wanting a child and is using his ex-stepchild.
Having said that, he's obviously been deeply hurt by the breakdown of this previous relationship and I'm not entirely sure he's over it from what you've said. The fact that he's falling over himself at your expense to keep contact with the ex and the child says he's still very emotionally involved with both of them.
I don't really understand why your respective childhoods are relevant here.

Bottom line - you want a child, he doesn't. Only you can decide how important that is and whether it matters enough to you to find someone else who does want a child.

Thanks for the replies. It's not so much that I 'want children' it's that I want one with him, because of who he is. It's quite ironic really. So it's not a case of I would find someone else to have a child with, cause I'm not bothered about a child that's not with him IYSWIM.
In terms of baggage I would say I have a lot more than him! He's been so supportive and this is a fantastic relationship other than this one problem.
I'd say we both have hangovers from previous relationships but we do care deeply for each other, respect each other and want it to work.

But this thing about SDC being part of the reason he doesn't want a child is threatening the whole relationship.
Is it just me? Do I need to get a grip?

So you would be quite happy to not have a baby.

He accepts your baggage.

He doesn't want a child.

What's the issue? He doesn't want a child. You only want a child with him. He isn't up for that so it's a no go.

Doesn't sound like it's a big deal. My Dp has a step son who he sees. I do t have much to do with him, he is 23. That's fine. Their relationship is their relationship.

Not sure what there is to resent.

SDC isn't threatening your relationship. Your refusal to just accept the situation is.

I've not said SDC is threatening the relationship, up until he's said that as a reason for not wanting DC, I've not felt resentful- it's a child!
I've always supported their relationship.
Part of the reason I love him is that he has stuck by SDC. That's who he is.
The problem is not SDC. The problem is that he has cited SDC as a reason very recently and that has stuck in my head.
So what you're saying is the problem is just me?

Notaclue, your situation sounds a bit different?

I do think the issue is you. You want a baby only with him. But he doesn't want one.

I never said our situations were the same. Just that the relationships and what's gone on before is just how it is. You either accept it or leave.

I think you're missing the point of what I'm saying, I completely accept what has gone on before, as he does with me. It's part of him. Relationship with SDC isn't the issue.
The issue isn't that I want a baby and he doesn't. I can accept that too.
The issue is that he has cited ex's child just recently as part of the reason, which he's not done before. Which has led to me finding it harder than if he just didn't want one cause it's different, and struggling with not wanting to resent that fact. And worrying that my feelings about it will cause problems in the future.

How often does he see DSC?
You either want a baby or you don't???
If you really want one with this man and he definitely doesn't, then as I said previously, the resentment will grow and grow and it will ruin your relationship.

I am not missing the point.

The reasons why he doesn't want a child, aren't relevant. He doesn't want one. You don't want to leave him to have one with someone else. You only want one with him.

You won't like what I'm going to say OP, but here it is.

You're jealous of the relationship with the step DC and the fact that he has deep feelings for the child. IME those that want a child really, really, wholeheartedly want a child and will finish or start relationships based on that exceptionally strong drive.

You've said that you're not particularly bothered about having a DC, you just want one with him. Why? It follows that you're not bothered about being a mother you just want emotion and love directed at you, not elsewhere.

Sorry, but that's the way I'm seeing this now.

Hellbellsmelons I get your point.
I guess it's cause the reason for the 'no' has changed, which has changed how I feel about it and whether I can deal with it without resentment. So the problem is me, which I'll take on the chin.

I have a DC so don't know why you're saying I'm not bothered about being a mother.
Why do I want one with him? Because I love him and it's something I would have liked to do with him.
I think it's harsh saying I want love and emotion directed at me and not elsewhere.
If that was really true I wouldn't have been totally supportive of his relationship with SDC or care about upsetting anyone.

Twitterqueen1 your whole comment was way off.

I do think you maybe should explore what Twitter has said.

Why do you really want a baby with him when he doesn't?

I do think deep down it's because no one else has. It will give you a more special place in his life. It may change the situation with the step child.

I really think you need to think about it. Do some soul searching and be brutally honest with yourself.

I may well be completely wrong OP but you asked for perspective and I'm trying to look at your situation completely dispassionately with a view to helping you crystalise your feelings.

You say your DC loves your DP very much but you say nothing about how our DP feels about your DC.... you only talk about he feels about his step DC from ex.

So without being goady here I still get the sense that you are feeling insecure in the relationship because of his strong feelings for others and you want a baby to tie you all together as 'your own little family', not because you actually want to be a mother (again).

DP is very genuine with my DC. He spends time with them, is there for them, expresses love for them to me and to DC. He is a good man. I have taken on board what has been said here, thank you.
I think those last 2 posts may be getting more to the crux of the problem, as I said, I'm happy to be told IABU as I need perspective.
I've been through a shit time, (had long running threads on here under another name a few years ago) which probably contribute to my feeling insecure in any relationship. The sense of 'people getting away with abuse' both from my own experience and in terms of what DP has been through perhaps cloud this issue as well.

Hi Beech!
I think you can't have a proper open talk about having kids together as long as he is being controlled (if that is the case) or is still holding on to residual feelings from previous relationship. (And you may not know if you want a child for sure but, who cares, as you are weighing your options it is not totally out yet either! ) So please do explore the issue together. I would try to talk to him and see if his feelings really aren't blurred by situation with ex. Be open, communicate, talk to him! I'd be more reluctant by his lack of enthusiasm too.

Thanks.
I was a bit confused by possible mixed signals which prompted the more recent double checking with him. As in I can't take the pill and suggested a vasectomy which he didn't want to do (fair enough) but he didn't want to use condoms either. When I expressed concern that if it happened I would feel incredibly guilty and would worry id messed up his life with a baby he didn't want, he said that he'd be happy, he would want us to keep it and we'd be fine. And we'd still be us, we'd just be parents. This, coupled with him being fine with not using a reliable method of contraception, got my hopes up a bit, hence the double checking and getting the added reason of SDC.

Though it's challenging to hear, I am trying to think about what's been said on here.

Well what's his suggestion for contraception then?

I would drop the subject for a few months OP. Give your partner time to possibly catch up with you on desire for a child - and for you to watch and evaluate exactly how much control his ex has. It might be less than you think and lessen over time.
I know you don't have all the time in the world to conceive. But you should still be in the fun, homeymoon stage and enjoying each other. Nothing to be achieved by pushing for decisions this month.

Honestly OP if you are both having sex with unreliable/no contraception you are asking for trouble.

It's all well and good saying 'it will be fine' what if it's not? He is an idiot for doing this, but so are you. You have had kids, 'we will be the same but just parents' doesn't exist. A baby changes everything and if one isn't fully on-board, it's a disaster.

This is heading to a disaster

Reading between the lines, I'm ging to suggest that this child business is more a symbol of how large the ex still looms in the relationship - how she is able to change your plans as a couple by using the SDC. Which is par for the course with an abuser. They are all about control, she has control, and she will be enjoying using it.

That would be too much baggage for me to want to pick up, but it sounds like you have already decided you are in for the long haul, so bear in mind her window of control is limited. All children grow up eventually. Or she'll meet someone else and lose interest in controlling your DP. So if you look at it as a waiting game?

My only worry would be whether he'd find another reason to stay in contact with her. Abusers are biochemically addictive, and he may not have fully kicked the addiction.