Confused

[Trilaulyn2926]

Been with partner for almost a year ...He is lovely and We are very much in love and committed to each other. We don’t live together but see each other every day ...
It’s a second relationship for both of us and we are determined not to make mistakes with each other that we may have in our previous relationships...
But ...Although we are very much involved in each other’s lives a few times I have discovered that he has kept things from me that I feel he had no need to ....Going away with his kids and I never knew until they were away ....And that he had hired a few new members of staff and spoke freely about 2 of them but not the 3rd who was a woman.
I have no reason not to trust him ...but this throws me somewhat ....
Aibu to feel upset ?

Going away with the kids an odd one. I would ask him and say you found it strange. Not mentioning the woman at work maybe from how he's had to behave in past relationships or he thought you maybe jealous again due to what he's experienced?

The trip away was arranged a while before they went ...but he didn’t say , then it got closer and closer and he said didn’t know how to say to me ...so when I text him to ask what he was up to...He asked to call and then explained he was away ....
The woman at work ...He told me he had 3 staff ...but only talked by name of 2 ...4 weeks later he mentions woman’s name ...I was taken aback and reacted with probably jealousy...but think it was because he decided I was going to be anyway...so didn’t want to say when he hired her initially...but I feel like he judged my right to know ...

Do you know why he felt he couldn't tell you about these things? Have you argued about similar issues before? Otherwise it just seems odd that he wouldn't tell you he was going away with his kids, for example. I mean, why on earth would you mind? Just a very strange thing to feel unable to tell you.....

We both had relationships that communication wasn’t great and I at least felt initially that we were not going to let these things become our problems...
It’s not so much what he hasn’t shared it’s ...that they are setting the tone if you know what I mean ....Small things become bigger things and I don’t know how to make him see that this could be an issue ...We have argued that I don’t trust him ...if I won’t just take his explanations for him not telling me ...but I just don’t get how he thinks it’s better to have me wondering What else could or would he choose to keep from me ...😕

Hmm. The holiday thing is weird. But he did tell you that he had 3 staff, mentioned 2 by name, and when he mentioned the 3rd and it was a woman, you were taken aback and reacted with jealousy? So he was kind of right to dread your reaction maybe.
Not having a go BTW- I can totally understand jealousy and where it comes from, but maybe he senses your insecurity and tries to protect you from it.
Did you have any issue with him taking his kids away? Would you have liked to have been invited? Trying to think of reasons he wouldn't tell you.

Thanks for the replies...I am insecure ..He is in my opinion out of my league...
I just wanted total transparency...
Maybe I am asking too much..
But would rather know straight it and deal wth it than have silly things that are undermining my confidence in him

I suppose only he can really answer me...there have been other little occasions aswell ...and we have been able to talk through them..just don’t think he would want to find out I had not told him something of these natures ...

His trying to protect my insecurities is actually making me feel worse....
And he hadn’t spoken about the female member of staff AtAll ...Blabbered on about interviewing the other 2....and how they were settling in...but not a word for 4 weeks😔

If he senses that you're insecure and will react in a way that suggests you don't trust him then that may explain it. I was in a relationship with the reverse of this - my partner was insecure and if I mentioned male's that were friends/I worked with that were around my age I could sense him getting his hackles up. Same with wanting to spend time with my family or jlwanting to sensependpend time alone, he would read into it that there were other reasons e.g. I was going off him. So I stopped telling him about completely innocent behaviour to protect us both from his reaction. Which then made it look like I had something to hide and gave me more to justify. I was doing nothing wrong yet was made to feel the opposite because of my partner's insecurities.

You MUST learn to get a handle on these feelings and not project them onto your partner or you will drive him away. It's horrible to feel like you will arouse feelings of distrust in your partner, or be accused of in inappropriate behaviour, when you have done nothing wrong. Of course I don't know the full story and if there are reasons for mistrust then that is another matter so I apologise if I am giving the wrong advice.

Try not to jump to conclusions about things or see the worst. If there is another explanation then give that equal credit too. Try to see it impartially.

Have a frank conversation with your partner and be prepared to listen to him and believe and trust him if he hasn't given you reason not to.

I guess I am saying try to get to the bottom of the mistrust - is it from his untrustworthy behaviour in the past or is it from your insecurities or hangups from other relationships? If it is the latter then you need to step in and be responsible for your behaviour even though it is hard.

I ended up leaving because I couldn't be myself. My ex is now working on his issues which is great.

Apologies for the typos and misplaced apostrophes; my phone's autocorrect is awful.

I do see what you mean. I had a similar issue a little while ago when my boyfriend (old friend but fairly new relationship) went over to dinner with his ex. It was also to see one of his grown up children, who lives with her, but definitely hosted by the ex. He only told me on the day he was going. I would have been fine with it if he'd told me in advance, (not that I have a right to object anyway, I don't control him - but you know what I mean - it unnerved me to suddenly learn about it). But he hadn't told me in advance because he thought I'd freak out......
I don't imagine he tells me everything - well, who can ever tell anyone everything? Privacy is important in relationships too. But I was touched recently when he asked me if it was ok to get in touch with a more recent ex (woman he dated for a year or so post divorce) to tell her he'd become a grandfather. He certainly didn't NEED to ask me - he is entitled to speak to who he likes - but the fact that he mentioned it in advance did make me feel valued and more secure, I guess.....
Talking through these issues with as much honesty as you can helps I think. Trust and understanding can take time to build, especially when past relationships have hurt you both. But if it's worth it, you'll know.

I hate that 'protective' attitude which is basically keeping things from us. Couldn't be dealing with it. I'm grown up, don't need 'protecting'. FFS