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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

FED UP!

9 replies

Overthehillsandfaraway1 · 12/11/2018 19:18

I’m not whether to post this to AIBU or here.

So, my son has come home from his dad’s second weekend in a row with bruises that look like grabs marks. Now I don’t think my stbxh would ever hurt our son and i’m 100% sure he just hurt them playing but the nursery that he goes to gets you to fill in a form regarding any bruise apart from the from odd shin bruise.
So I ask his dad, I said
‘Hi, thanks for having them this weekend whilst I was unwell. [son’s name] has a bruise on his arm, and both his legs that look like grab marks, I know they aren’t but I will have to fill out a form at nursery, do you know how he got them?’

He knows about the forms at nursery, but I always pick him up so it’s me that has to fill them in even when they didn’t happen in my care.

The problem is instead of his dad saying ‘I don’t know’ cause let’s face it kids are clumsy and do we honestly know where they get all their bruises? Well he got all defensive, saying I’m accusing him blah blah blah.

We usually have a really good co parenting relationship and manage to have the odd laugh and light hearted conversation so we aren’t out to get each other.

So this outburst really set me back, I told him I was upset with how he responded, how I hate filling the forms in, and it would look bad if I hadn’t bothered asking him, so I just said in future I will just put ‘dont know, happened in his dad’s care’.

Well he apologised and said he would talk to the nursery if that was better.

But i’m nothing but polite with him, all the shit i’ve dealt with him the past and I am constantly making the effort to be friends with him for our child’s sake.

Would you have been annoyed by his outburst? Or am I overreacting?

Yesterday, he put the kids to be for me and then moaned the puppies were damaging MY kitchen table. He had an outburst then and quickly apologised.

I just don’t know what’s up with him but I feel like his verbal punching bag recently

OP posts:
ghostsandghoulies · 12/11/2018 19:42

I think it's natural for your ex to wonder if your question is an accusation despite the fact that you said that you knew he wouldn't grab your son but his reaction to the puppies and your table sound OTT and it's not acceptable that you feel like his verbal punchbag.

ghostsandghoulies · 12/11/2018 19:43

With regards to the table - was he worried that you'd blame him for damaging the table?

Overthehillsandfaraway1 · 12/11/2018 19:54

The thing is i’ve told him about the forms before, and I told him that I needed to know in case of that. He just seems a little snappy at the minute. We usually get on pretty well tbh.

Hmm no, I knew it’s the puppies. His words were, ‘are you f***g kidding me?’ I said what and he said look what they’ve done to the table. I was just like why do you care? He went whatever, doesn’t matter, something along those lines anyway, and I just said please don’t have ago at me cause I’m not well, I was nearly in tears (hormonal I think) and I can’t be doing with an argument and he apologised and shortly left.
I have since spoken to a mutual friend of ours and she just thinks it’s because he’s easily defensive, he was always blaming me in our relationship, I tried so hard to please him and now we aren’t together and I ask things then he just gets defensive. He’s known for being quickly defensive with everyone so I guess i’ll just accept it.

He’s quick to anger and defensive but I never saw that when we were together so it’s something i’m Just gonna have to ignore I guess. Or talk to him face to face as I usually do anyway because I think texts can be so easily misconceived.

Thank you for you message xx

OP posts:
Overthehillsandfaraway1 · 12/11/2018 19:56

I repeated myself a little in that message 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 12/11/2018 20:23

He’s quick to anger but you’re confident that he hasn’t hurt your child??? How old is your DS and where are the bruises because there are places in the body that are significantly more difficult to injure accidentally than others.

SpiritedLondon · 12/11/2018 20:25

You are not in a position to be 100% sure about anything if you’re not there.

Overthehillsandfaraway1 · 12/11/2018 20:34

What I mean is he’s fiery and shouty, I get what you’re saying though. I don’t think we can ever know anyone. I do feel for him though as he suffers with depression and early in the year had a mental breakdown but I can see how much he adores our son.
He’s almost 3, he has a mark on his lower arm, new bruise, same place two weeks in a row and then a bruise on each of his thighs but symmetrical.

He is a REALLY clumsy kid, even nursery have commented but his feet bed inwards when he walks/runs so falls over a lot

OP posts:
SpiritedLondon · 12/11/2018 21:00

If he’s 3 I’d casually ask him how he got the bruises ( assuming he’s verbal). You might not get complete information but you might get a clue. Typically it’s more difficult to bruise yourself on fleshy parts of your body... it’s more likely to be shins, knees, elbows. Anything on the back or neck also raises suspicion. I would actually photograph the marks.... you don’t have to do anything with them but keep them safe. I probably wouldn’t have said anything about knowing he didn’t grab him because it could have been a rough and tumble game - but I would have asked my ex very casually how he got the bruise. ( Left it as an open question ) but I used to work in child protection so I’m very conscious of bruising. I’m afraid the mental health issues don’t reassure me..... there are proven links between abuse and mental illness. He might well love him but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t lose his temper.

Overthehillsandfaraway1 · 13/11/2018 14:32

Hi,
Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. I asked him before I asked his dad. I pointed them out and asked him where it got them from and I can tell he didn’t even notice he had them.
I have taken pictures only cause I sent my ex them and asked if he knew. But I haven’t deleted them.
Thank you, I’ll bear that in mind next time :)
I’ll keep an eye on him from now on, changes behaviour, pattern to them. He does live with his partner so I doubt any abuse would be involved xx

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