Is it inappropriate for a married person to have an online frienship

[MrsCar]

And DM that person, who is also married?

Met on online forum for a hobby and began to DM, but almost 100% about the hobby, and not personal (although I think it might be starting to go that way)

Any thoughts?

Does your DH know about it? And would you be ok with him seeing any of the messages between the two of you?

No he does not, and yes the messages are so innocent that I wouldn't have anything to worry about if he did see them

Why haven't you told him?

It’s a friendship - you’re allowed friends!

It seems to me that in the past discussions like this on MN have been fairly polarised into the 'I'm cool about that sort of thing' or 'LTB.'

I can only say for myself that I would be asking the married person to stop and think about whether they are ready for the consequences of this, uh, friendship.

And if it were my OH doing it they would be hearing my half of the inevitable discussion without the aid of mechanical assistance form anywhere in the locality.

There is never any smoke without fire, IMHO, or people wouldn't ever be asking about this kind of thing.

Friends are fine of course. If you ever message anything you wouldn’t want your OH to see or try and hide the fact you’re in touch with this person you’ll know you’ve crossed a line.

I suspect there’s a bit more to this than you’re letting on, as why would you even need to ask this if it’s completely innocent and just chatting to pass the time with somebody who you share a hobby with?

And if it were my OH doing it they would be hearing my half of the inevitable discussion without the aid of mechanical assistance form anywhere in the locality.

Trying to understand what this means, can’t make head nor tail of it?

Why haven't I told him, I don't know. We're both very private and respect the other's privacy. If he did ask who am I talking to, I'd tell him, I wouldn't lie.

I know we're 'allowed' friends, but I'm starting to feel a bit guilty. I find myself getting excited to see the DM, which worries me a bit.
Maybe I'm just lonely and a bit bored.

Maybe I should just tell him, or step back a bit.

Thanks for responses

As someone who has friends of both sexes I think a safe way is to filter your messages. Basically before you hit send run a mental filter that says "would I be happy if my partner read this message?" If the answer is no don't send it. If you receive a message that also doesn't pass the filter you have a problem you need to fix.

So long as you would be happy for your DP to read then then this is an innocent friendship.

I had an online friendship once - met through work but never met. Became FB friends and would chat once a week or so Anouilh work and shared interests (books/films/tv). Sometimes the subject matter got a bit risqué but never personal ie not about us. Until it did. I knew right away he crossed a line I wasn't comfortable with and that was the point I wouldn't want my husband to read our message. We stopped talking privately after that and now we exchange status comments but little more.

I don't think marriage means your spouse knows what you're doing every waking moment.

I met an online friend this same way.

Things have become a lot more complicated.

The fact that you are questioning it, says it's straying into more than just a friendship.

Same here.. no physical contact and DH knows we are hobby 'friends'...

But... we stopped being innocent friends months ago.

It can be easy to do, almost without realising you are crossing the line. We knew it, and sprinted across them anyway.

I think if you are starting to feel guilty, you should tell your DH or step back.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having online friends and talk about your hobbies. However, I can imagine things can escalate pretty quickly.

Another thing to consider. Would this happen with a female friend? Meet online and hit it off, message back and forth plenty, get excited when you see the messages appear? Query whether it’s appropriate or not?

Your second post is very telling. I think you know this is straying into inappropriate behaviour.

Basque, yes I think it could (and did) happen with females over the years... one in particular when I was on an online forum for pregnancy, birth and bf.
the only difference being that she was female, and there was no guilt.

I think its like any friendship. If it starts to take precedence over your family or if you wouldn't want your dh seeing any of the messages, its not good and you should back up a bit. Otherwise why not?

Friendships are fine. As long as your be happy if your dh saw your messages then you're ok.

Like some other people on this thread, I've had an online friendship that crossed a line, and I'm living with the consequences of that.

Be very careful, OP.