Anyone out there who actually regrets breaking up their family and leaving?

[colouredwindmills]

"LTB and never look back" is a classic MN phrase. And there are endless threads advising women to leave their DH/DP. But are there any women out there who have left and truly regretted it and /or never got over the guilt.
I'm asking because I almost certainly should leave DH (8 years together). 2 young DC and a marriage that simply isn't working, but isn't completely dysfunctional. No-one outside the front door would suspect that we are anything other than happily married. We've done counselling and read loads of relationship books, which have been variably helpful. I don't feel trapped.....as in I'm not stuck financially, geographically or for any other reason and I'm not scared of being on my own. I'm just living hoping for some great miracle that will enable us to live happily together.....I just desperately want my marriage not to fail. I think I'm just scared of leaving and never quite coming to terms with the guilt and thus regretting leaving. Does this apply to anyone? Anyone left and found that being a single parent was worse than their difficult less than perfect marriage?

There were some great threads on here about leaving unsatisfactory marriages.

I left mine and didn't regret it, but like yours it wasn't awful.

It's not that long since my split so this might not be very helpful, but I don't regret it so far.

But my ex was emotionally abusive and very difficult to be in a relationship with, I truly believe it could not have become a healthy relationship. So I really needed to leave.

Being a single parent is very difficult but I made the right choice under the circumstances.

Sounds like your situation is a little different. Would you like to talk more about what's not working? What things have helped so far? Are the two of you sufficiently respectful and kind to each other that you could remain together while finding satisfaction in other parts of your life if you flesh them out more?

I think it depends on what the issues are and what your deal-breakers are.
I don't regret ending my marriage but my ExH cheated.
That for me, is a big fat deal-breaker and something I knew I'd never forgive or forget.
I'd never trust him again so no point.
But yours does NOT sound like that.

I ender it 4 years ago and haven't regretted it for a minute. Same in that from the outside all looked fine and some people were shocked (Inc. XH).

We parent very well and he is far more involved than when we were together. He has a better relationship with the kids. I am in a truly wonderful relationship but I didn't leave for that, I left because I was miserable. I was perfectly happy to be single.

It's not easy but sometimes you have to be the grown up and do what's right even if other people don't see it that way.

I ended my marriage 3 years ago. Like you, to anyone on the outside, we were the model couple.
I have no regrets

No regrets
Mine was low level physical abuse and a heavy dose of emotional and financial
It’s been hard but if I had spent the last 10 years with him I think I would probably be 59 stone and have a booze problem by now

whats not working
The old chestnut 'doesn't do much around the house'. Really does very little. That in itself I can mostly deal with, although now and again it does really get to me. Its certainly not a deal breaker.
He isn't a great dad......although to be fair after an almost marriage ending row in the summer he finally went on a parenting course and has improved massively, so i do see hope there. But pre the parenting course his parenting had become a deal breaker.
His parents are toxic, even from several thousand miles away.
The biggest deal breaker is repeatedly having the carpet pulled from under me when I think things are going really well, and this mostly centres around a long list of quirks ( for want of a better description), most of which I know nothing about until I've unwittingly ploughed into one of them, which then results in an argument.An example was once I bought some teaspoons from a charity shop. He was horrified. I couldn't/can't see the difference in using a charity shop spoon and one in a restaurant (they've both been washed). We had a huge row about it and have never used the spoons.
What has helped? Me stopping work (I'm public sector, huge shortages, getting back won't be a problem). He's happier. The kids are happier. But if I don't go back and things don't get better then I am screwed.
I'd settle for living independent lives under the same roof if it wasn't for the unpredictable quirks.

It's so tricky to get inside someone's marriage and make sense of it.

The teaspoons thing sound like a storm in a teacup (or teaspoon!) - I'm with you that it would be fine, but I also wouldn't have a problem not using them if DH felt really strongly about it.

However, feeling that you had to stop work (assuming you enjoyed your job and hadn't planned to be a SAHM) is a massive deal. Is this a direct result of him not doing anything around the house or the poor parenting mentioned earlier? Or a different issue?

escolar, it’s the way he reacts to the spoons that’s the problem. It’ll be something like ‘ we aren’t using those’ cue end of discussion. No explanation or reasoning. That really frustrates me and in the process of trying to extract an explanation an argument ensues.
I never planned to be a SAHM. He resents the impact my job has on his life. He didn’t like it when I worked weekends or evenings, so those stopped. We’ve had huge childcare issues recently, which has been really difficult, and I’m left to sort most of it. And ultimately we don’t need the money, so from his point of view it’s a huge amount of hassle and inconvenience for very little financial gain. I think I’d miss my job, but would actually give it up completely if I thought it would solve our problems, but right now We aren’t stable enough to take that risk and if I’m out of work for too long retraining would be long and painful, and probably unpaid, and then I would be financially trapped.

What do you get out of this relationship still?. What is keeping you with this man at all?. It sounds utterly miserable frankly for you and these children who are unfortunate enough to be witnessing all this also. I would also think that he sees the housework and child rearing as primarily your roles; not his. He is really showing you a complete lack of respect here.

This article may be interesting to you:-
mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

His reaction re the spoons is disproportionate to say the very least; what is all that about really?. He is basically telling you its his way or no way. He sounds utterly selfish and self absorbed frankly and is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing.

What would you think if your children now adults were to come to you with a relationship like you describe?.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?.

Why are you so invested in this marriage not failing?. He seems to be not half as invested in this relationship as you are and I am wondering if you have also heard of the "sunken costs fallacy". That also may be playing its part here as that can help people make poor relationship decisions.

You are very smart not to let yourself get financially trapped, whatever happens with your marriage--even if you remain together, there might come a time when you needed to rely on your earning capabilities.

How do you two handle conflict between you? Does he listen openly when you tell him about something that's bothering you? If you explained why you found his approach about the spoons upsetting, would he listen or would he just exhaust both of you explaining why he was in the right and you were in the wrong? Does he have any self-awareness of his own quirks and their impact on you?

This might be of interest to you: www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

you say he is not brilliant with the kids he has some trivial issues what exactly is worth saving? sounds like you are more worried about the neighbours and friends will say re your marriage ending that really having personal misgivings

I'm watching with interest as in a very similar position. Thank you for posing the question!

Attila . But my point is that it ISN'T utterly miserable most of the time.Take this last year, things were pretty much OK to great for the first 1/2 of the year. We had a wonderful long weekend away together, we've been away with friends, we've had some great family days out. Only 10 days ago he took me to a restaurant that we used to go to all the time when we were first dating and we had a lovely evening. He works damn hard because he wants to provide the best for his children and he does want me to be happy. He happily pays to outsource as much of the household cores as possible, so its not a case of making me do all the housework and not helping....he pays for someone else to do all the cleaning. I'd completely agree that he is a product of an entirely dysfunctional upbringing, but he does try, and I'd feel bad walking away because he isn't trying hard enough. What would I tell my DD?......to leave , obviously....just like my mum has told me to several times (and offered her house as a refuge).Thanks also for the link. I can totally recognise myself and him in the article....I'm pretty sure I've read it before. As for failing...I'd feel like I'd failed in life and I'd failed my children.
Iabazs I couldn't give a stuff what the neighbours or friends think.
cousin we handle conflict badly - he does passive aggressive, I shout. He has some self awareness, and can sometimes be really supportive. He can come around to my point of view sometimes, but only after days of silence. He will often recognise that his own behaviour is unreasonable, but only after we've had a huge argument about it.

There's a big difference between what you write in your op :".I just desperately want my marriage not to fail"

and

"I just desperately want my marriage to succeed."

Face it. You don't love him.

Like him? meh.

Cut him loose. He sounds ok to me.

thanks for the constructive comment Cat.

Have you considered how much you might regret not leaving? I had various complaints about my husband but always thought he was basically a nice man and I'd be stupid to give it up. After 20 years he had an affair, and since we broke up I've had a couple of partners. Now I see what life would have been like if I'd been with someone different, and what with my ex's nasty behaviour at the end I regret staying with him. It feels like I was wasting my life with someone who never really showed much interest in me. I was always finding reasons why it was OK to be with him.

He came along later and said he felt guilty about breaking up our family, but I said he shouldn't feel guilty about that. It opened up new possibilities for all of us.

"I'd feel bad for walking away because he isn't trying hard enough"

This resonates with me, although a friend who I've been confiding in asked me today if he was trying, and as I said to her, he is trying but ultimately I'm actually asking him to change, and I don't think he's able to.

It's such a difficult situation. Still interested if anyone will say they did regret leaving. But also I spend a lot of time thinking as pp has said that would I regret not doing?

I think maybe set a bit of a plan in your mind as to what could make things better and start slowly doing those things and asking him to buy into it too, to do certain things that would improve things for you or could build on your relationship. Do what you promise, lead by example and show that you're trying and hopefully he will follow. That's what I'm doing at the moment. And I'm trying everything, it is getting easier. I had reached the point I didn't want to spend time alone with him - nothing to do with him but the guilt of being in his company knowing he loves me one way and I don't love him the same way back was very confronting. Baby steps and things have got better in that regard. I want to invest more and am now taking steps for us to spend more time together. I'm not sure I'm feeling any differently towards him, but I do know I'm doing everything possible to make it work. So if I reach a point I can't stay, and I choose to put my feelings first then I'll know I gave it my all, and I think he will too.

So that's my advice, but I'm not out the other side so I'm not sure how useful it is!!

raven. Yes. I wonder that nearly every day.

Sleepingdog I can identify with everything you say. My DH has changed. Esp in the last 4 months his attitude towards and interaction with DC has got so much better. But I also recognise that mostly you can’t make other people change, you can only change yourself. Have you read Laura Doyle’s ‘the empowered wife’? You might find it helpful, I certainly did. Changing my attitude certainly helps.

No regrets from me.

I haven't, thank you, I'll look it up!