Absolutely heart broken and betrayed

[user1488276155]

Hello to anybody that reads this.

I don't really need a reply, I just need to get this all off my chest, a bit like a confession I suppose. I've got absolutely nobody that I can open up to about this and just need an outlet somewhere. I'll start from the beginning.

Almost two years ago now I was starting to suspect something was wrong with my relationship with my partner. It had been months of boring evenings, no talking, no intimacy. He could barely look me in the eye. I felt so incredibly lonely for a long time and thought I was unattractive. I then found out that for a very long time he had been gambling all of our money away, stealing from me and other family members. After I found out, he even told me that the £300 that went missing from my bank was something he needed to borrow to get me a very special present, which was obviously bullshit, but he held on to that for as long as he could.

I had no idea but we were actually in a terrible financial situation. I didn't have time to weep, we had a son and I was early in my second pregnancy at the time. I took to being a cam girl for a while and made a fair whack of cash to pay off our rent arrears and get us back on track. He bought an Xbox with the remainder of my profits but at this time i had so emotionally checked out I just ignored that.

He had a couple of gambling relapses, we moved house and i had our baby, we 'started again' and he had gambling therapy and recovered, i think. He had another relapse on our anniversary which I forgave.

I then went on to have a very complicated health problem six months after I had my son, a heteroectopic pregnancy. I had surgery and we lost both children. Not long after this however, i thought things we going really well and we seemed happy. We decided to get married and announced it to our family. A day later I discover that after everything, he had been talking to other women behind my back. There is just absolutely no words to describe how I felt, feeling unattractive, heart broken with an infant hanging off my chest. He told me he did it because he hated me.

Since I found this out a couple of months ago, i feel so up and down. We have good days and bad days. Most of the time I feel bitter and resentful as it has all built up. I feel anxious about my behaviour and i am starting to get paniced about stupid things. I know im depressed and it has really taken hold of me now and it's getting very hard to look after my children. I feel nervous about everything he says and i dont believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I cry everyday. I love him so much and have tried very very hard to be understanding, empathetic and helpful through all of his struggles and mistakes, as well as worshipping him. Ive not treated him badly ever and i don't know what to do now.

It seems as though he will never really love me the way I love him and hes broken me down into nothing. I just want a fulfilling relationship with passion and trust. I feel very very suicidal today and i just wanted to have a rant.

Sarah

It seems to be very obvious what you need to do now.
Get him gone!!!!
Seriously.
He's trounced all over your good nature and trust for years!
And YOU have let him.
He will never change!
Time to protect yourself and your DC and look at what separation would be like.
You cannot continue like this.
It is having a huge impact on your mental health!
No MAN is worth that!
So get to your GP and get help for depression and get rid of this useless waste of space.
It's a no-brainer.
Do NOT over think this!!!!

OP please see or call a doctor as soon as you can. You need to talk to someone in real life to support you at your current very low ebb. If you are in the UK, please call the Samaritans free any time, from any phone on 116 123.

You are clearly a normal, kind and totally awesome person, and you need and deserve love and support.

I'm sorrry you are going through that BUT you are the maker of your own future. You dont have to put up with it, it doesnt sound like your getting anything from the relationship so why stay?

He wont ever change because its just who he is, his personality and his traits so no point trying.

The way i see it is that its already rock bottom of a relationship so if you leave then things can only go up.

Whether you listen to yourself or just carry on plodding along knowing that your always going to be broken hearted by him is up to you.

Think if it was your child, what would you tell them if they turned round and said what you've said? that he basically has no respect for them, gambles, cheats, says he hates them, even when they have stood through everything with him? That they felt suicidal all because of some guy who is not worth it.

If you would tell your child to stay with them then there is just something wrong with your mind set.

You deserve better. Find your anger. Don’t let anyone EVER do this to you again. If you stay with him seperate your finances. However given hes unlikely to change I think you know what you should do. Don’t let your children grow up surrounded by this. Take care of you not him.

Please please make an appointment to see you GP as soon as possible.

Please call the Samaritans on 116 123.

You need to get this man out of your life. But you need some real life support for yourself first. You deserve so much better.

Your kids need you. He doesn't. He's been using you for years. Please don't take any more shit from him. Build a happier, healthier future for yourself and your children - one that does not include him.

See a health professional please, I second calling the Samaritans. Work towards gaining independence for yourself. Sending you a huge unmumsnetty hug!

Thank you for responding everyone.

There have been steps we've taken in regards to money. I control all of that now. I know he does sound like the worst human being on the planet, but he's a good father. He can be a good partner from time to time, it's just very hard to pluck up the courage to leave because I do love him.
But thank you, i do need to hear all of what you said and will be taking steps to get better.
Xx

@user1488276155 you are incredibly strong and brave and a brilliant mummy who has done everything to try and provide the best for her kids. Sadly, we’re told a typical two parent family is best and sometimes that is just bollocks.
Our stories are so similar my ex was an alcoholic, clean for 10 years and then he started again when I was 3 months pregnant. He lied to me, racked up 20k debts in my name on credit cards and would lie and lie and lie to me. I was so obsessed with people thinking we were a perfect family I ignored, I probably enabled him by ignoring. We moved to a new place for a ‘fresh start’ and it just got worse. I left when o booked a make or break holiday to Sicily and he never turned up to go to the airport after work. He went to the pub and then blamed me because it was my fault he was stressed. I left in October 2016 and it was the best thing I ever did. It hurt, Lord it hurt. I mourned for the loss of a future that would never have happened, I mourned for the father my son should of had. BUT it was the best thing to do. I know exactly what you feel when you say you want that special relationship just please don’t jump into anything. I started saying 9 months after fell head over heels for a ‘wonderful’ man and found myself dumped after 16 months via text (he’s 34!) on Friday because he ‘cant See himself bringing up another mans child’. Get him out or you leave if you can, take your beautiful children with you and know that you are doing the absolute best thing for them. That man is not the example of fatherhood they should be seeing. Take care of yourself xx

Thank you. They are very hard words to hear. I'm sorry you had to go through all that pain but I hope that you are doing much better now xx

Oh good God OP. I think my heart just broke for you. Fuck. What a fucking awful, AWFUL time to have lived through.

OK. You are still here and you have your children. Immediately OP, LTB. Do it and do it quickly. Get your stuff and go to an immediate place of safety. You need time and space process the enormity of what this man has done to yours and your childrens' life.

Ring the Samaritans. They are amazing.

OP, I tried to take my own life this year after years upon years of abuse. I was fucking lucky; I survived.

I'm here for all the hand holding.

x

@Renarde1975

Wow, thank you for your brave and honest message.

I hope you are in a better place now.

How you can describe this man as a good Father and a good Partner is incredulous ....

what does He do for You .. I'm genuinely curious .. because he sounds like he has destroyed everything sacred in your heart... from the gambling .. to the debts.. to you having to perform in webcams for money to clear his debts... to him them contacting other woman... WTAF makes this man a good man ??

Get him to leave... it’s hard.. so very hard but after a little while you will close your own front door with you and your babies safe inside and you will breathe.. truly breathe... it isn’t easy but any loneliness you will feel will be nothing to the loneliness you feel when in a house with someone who doesn’t care... any lack of money will be manageable because you will be the one who is managing it not reeling from blow after blow of stupidity by another human...
For today just breathe, feed your babies and keep them warm... think of nothing else but their and your comfort and safety.. tomorrow/next week/next month is another day.. when you are ready find your warrior mum and create a life for you and your kids.. I wish you well along the path which sadly many of us have been before

OP, you know it is possible to still love someone but not to be with them, because it is just so bad for you and your kids.

Maybe leaving him is the wake up call he needs to make massive changes in his behaviour (if he wants to and gets support from professionals) Maybe you'll end up back together after that. If it doesn't happen, then that's his choice.

Leave him. Prioritise you and the kids. Give him the wake up call to change and then it's down to him. You deserve someone who doesn't make you end up doing sex work to support his addiction problems.

Would you treat a person you love the way he has treated you?

Why do you have it in your heart to love someone who hates you?

He makes you feel suicidal although that would devastate the lives of your children and everyone who loves you.

So you love him more than your children?

He must have an incredible spell over you that makes you put up with him ruining your life with his disrespect, deceitfulness, selfishness and lack of care for you.

You already know he is doing things behind your back to wreck your life and you already know you can't trust him.

It's obvious to all of us reading your harrowing post that he is your enemy but you see him as your love.

The love is all fantasy and you wish to play happy families is tragic as he's hellbent on destroying everything good and beautiful in your life.

You can't see it. So no point posting really. He really must be some kind of sociopath to want to destroy you so much.

Hopefully you will wake up from this nightmare and put yourself and your dc first and break the spell.

I'm sending you so much love OP. My DS's father told me he just wasn't attracted to me anymore, breaking my heart. It turned out it was going really wrong for him at university and I ended up supporting both of us on my student loan for far too long, miserable and lonely and suicidal and so, so sad. Because I loved him. But looking back, I want to shake myself by the shoulders. WHY did I let that man take the prime of my life away, and blame all his problems on me? Your children can still see him. They won't lose him. But you need to LTB, today. Just get your kids, pack a bag, and leave. Tonight. I love you, you're an amazingly strong woman, you can do this. I believe in you.

He’s not a good father my dear.

A good father respects the mother of his children, regardless of the state of their own relationship. He doesn’t respect you at all.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so low, but a positive aspect to this is that now you know what calibre of man you’re dealing with and you can start to take steps to improve things in the long term.

I know it’s hard, but just think. If you get rid of him now, in the future you can look back at this time in your life as the point at which things started to change for the better.

Find your inner anger, it will give you strength. Good luck.

I hear you OP. You say you just want to have a rant, and you don’t talk about wanting to end the relationship. Most PP are saying you should leave him, but it’s your life and you’re the one in control of whether you want this man as your partner or not.

Now you’ve got all of that out and read the replies so far, how do you feel? How do you see your future both for yourself and your relationship if you stay? And what do you imagine happening if you end things with him?

To all who have posted...please search this OP's username before you invest your sympathies...

Keep talking to us OP. We are here for you. You deserve so much better than to be treated like this. You became a cam girl because he lied and gambled away your money! That alone should be enough to make you want better than him. He doesn’t deserve you. He’s then talking to other women and hates you! After everything you’ve done for him!! No no no. You can have a life without him. Contact women’s aid and do the freedom program. You can do this. Your kids need you. We will all support you through this

Why search the username? I don’t understand

Nothing weird on the username search?

Been there, done that. The lies, the stealing, me having to control the money etc etc. It doesn't get better, he won't change.

I got rid of my DH 10 years ago and I have never looked back. I don't have to worry if my child will have a roof over his head any more, I don't have to hide my purse and I don't live day to day with lies. He was a rubbish father and a shite husband.

He's not much different after 10 years, but I sure am.

Username search completely matches what has been posted here.

OP you need to start examining why you put everything into supporting a man who simply does not like you. It is doing both of you harm. In your case being considerate and empathetic can be a compulsion.

Somehow you need to find the same compassion for yourself.

When they cheat and repeatedly betray you, it's your mental health that takes a beating. It's no wonder you are feeling panicky, retreating in to your thoughts and questioning everything. He has done that to you.

What kind of man not only allows you to take work as a 'Cam girl' to pay off his debts and then takes what is left to buy a tucking X Box? A cunt. He isn't a good father because he treats the mother of his children like shit. He harms you. Therefore he harms his children.

He told you he hates you. Believe him and cut him out. Your life will improve immediately because you will have a new start which you are in control of.

He is a bad person who is ruining your life. Stop this now before he destroys you.