Treading on eggshells around my best pal

[Picnictime]

We are both 36. I'm married, with a toddler and one on the way, a successful career. She is single, has her own place, travels regularly and has a successful career.

She constantly says how unhappy she is, how she has 'no money' and how her life isn't where she wants it to be at this age. I listen, I commiserate, I support, I try really hard to be there for her because she deserves to be happy. It can be exhausting at times.

Problem is, she's always telling me she wishes she has what I have. I'm not allowed to talk negatively about any aspect of my life because 'at least you have Husband/child/pregnant'. I can't even talk about home improvements because my house is bigger. I can't be too happy or excited about my own life as I don't want to upset her. It's been like this for a few years now. I'm not the only friend she's like this with, I know I'm her closest friend though.

I'm thinking about telling her that I can't keep censoring my life. I'm allowed to be happy about my life. I'm also allowed to find some aspects of my life hard too.
I don't want to upset her, she's quite fragile, but I know that she's not being terribly fair on me either. What do I say to her?

Sadly she is taking advantage of your own good nature here.

She is not your best pal here; nowhere near. If she truly was she would not act like this towards you. I would also think that hardly anyone else bothers with her at all because this is what she is really like. She is using you as her personal sounding off board; she is not interested in you at all as a person.

I would make myself far less available to her going forward and establish a new friendship group. Your friendship has really run its course and should be at an end.

Blimey. She sounds like very hard work! What exactly do you get out of this friendship?

Set her up with someone if you can. Or suggest some kind of “find a partner” activity.
Otherwise, mention how you feel to her as tactfully as you can.
If she doesn’t respond, gradually back off a bit. I don’t mean ghost her or totally withdraw. Just a little bit more distance, to give her the space and motivation to find someone to fill her life.

If she gets happily coupled up, you might be able to resume later.

Ah, you asked what to say...hmm..how about

“Look DBF, you probably don’t mean this or realise you’re doing it, but I’m feeling a bit stifled in our conversations. I’m sorry you’re unhappy being single. I will do anything I can to help you sort that out, just tell me. In the meantime though, my life isn’t perfect either, and as a friend, I need to be able to speak to you openly about what’s going on in my life.”

you can't MUTE your own entire existence because your so called Friend is unhappy with her own lifestyle choices FFS....

I would cut this friend off in a heartbeat...

enjoy your life you home your pregnancy your family... scream out loud of off days and yell with joy of good days.... fuck her and her sad self pity.. she's a selfish brat

I have been in your friends shoes, never once have I guilt tripped anyone, she's being so out of order.

Not fair.

It's an unneeded and unwritten understanding with my closest friends that regardless of situation etc. the concerns that worry you are just that.

Everyone is allowed their own feelings, and maybe the circumstances are different. Doesn't mean the effect on the person is not.

I’d cut her out of my life, too. A very wise friend said to me years ago: friendship is earned every time people meet, if it’s just a one way street then it’s not a friendship. Sounds like her life is pretty damn good and yet she’s always wanting more, jealous of what you have, not allowing you any room to have a moan about what’s on your mind. Don’t feel bad about backing away, she’s done this and as a pp said, sounds like you’re the only friend willing to put up with it for any amount of time.

I'm not going to cut her off or anything like that. I don't think our friendship has run its course, I think she's in a bit of a bad place and can't get out of it.
We get on well and share the same interests. We have a laugh when not talking about the stuff above. We can talk about work and pets.
She does love my toddler too when she sees him. She isn't nasty about him at all.

I was ready to be told I'm a dick tbh. Be more supportive etc etc.

Thanks for the practical advise Janet. I think I'll give it a go. Hopefully she'll get it. If not, i might have to back away - bad timing though as she'll blame me having a baby as the reason.

Why were you ready to be told you were a dick?. If anyone is a dick here it is your so called friend. What if you were in a "bad place"; she would certainly not want to listen to you. She does not want to listen to you really now.

You say you can talk about work and pets; that is really not much of a basis for a firm friendship is it?.

You cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship; neither approach works. You are not responsible for her along with the choices she has made for her own self. Friendships are two way; she is all take from you and you are all give. This is not a healthy friendship at all.

Have higher and consistent boundaries in place for yourself too, this woman is walking all over you really and sadly for you, you are allowing her to do so.

You make some fair points. I know I'm probably going to hit a bad patch myself once number 2 arrives.
It's not really that healthy is it? I bit at her when she said the same to a mutual friend who was rrally having a shit time so I'm not sure why I allow her to say this stuff to me.
Thanks for the reality check. I need to work out how to handle it

If you don’t want to lose the friendship, then perhaps you could clue her into some self-awareness.

What Janet said above is nice and tactful (except the part about helping her find a partner-this shouldn’t be a negotiation). She may poo-poo your suggestion. As dismissive as she sounds, I would expect this kind of response.

You could do a three strikes, you’re out...so have a couple more statements prepared, each more assertive than the one before. The last one could let her know that you are not going to continue to tolerate being invisible in the friendship. Who has time for that? This will serve as the reason you no longer meet up with her and avoid the circumstance of ghosting her without explanation.

I know this is a stretch, but done enough- beware: It is hurtful, that stab in the heart feeling, to essentially be told to shut up. Putting up with that will eventually damage your self esteem and that could develop into further mental health problems: keeping yourself tamped down would basically be self induced depression. Your “friend” may be an emotional vampire.

wow OP.. just WOW... now we see why she treats you so badly... you let her...

I used to have a friend like that who was jealous of my job. I was finding it tough and she essentially told me I had nothing to complain about as her job was worse even though I was so stressed by blood pressure went up. We’re not really friends anymore and I’m happier for it

Gemini - I'm fully aware that I let her. I think that was clear about that from my OP.

Thanks Andtheband. I've tried the date assistance and it's been all but rejected. You make some excellent points about damaging myself. It does and I hadn't thought about it that way.

Well she’s cutting a big chunk of you out of the friendship, so she’s not going to get a very satisfying connection with you is she? Or you with her.
Your friendship will run it’s course , or you’ll become acquaintances not friends if you’re only allowed to bring a bit of yourself, so worth speaking her about it.

I don't know how you meet up, but could you occasionally include her in your daily activities, walks in the park or to the play area, picnics, trips to the shops etc, giving her a chance to talk and walk? You'd maybe have a less intense conversation that way, plus exercise does relieve stress. At the same time she'd see how complicated life can get with children in tow.
There are benefits to being single, in fact benefits to most stages in life. I don't know how you get her to see that for herself though and it sounds like this onesidedness in your friendship is really dragging you down.

I just realised I said daily activities when what I meant was everyday stuff including some activity instead of sitting talking.

you could try also try including her on other things like your Block List...