Slow burners without a massive spark, what’s your experience?

[User6404]

I’ve had lots of relationships start off with a huge spark and constant messages. Basically all consuming. They all ended for one reason or another.

Friends/family tell me to go for a slow burner without so much of the intensity. They think that’s what lasts.

I’ve been dating someone where there is definitely something between us, I like him a lot. But I don’t feel the intense passionate spark that I have with others in the past. That spark for me has always come from difficult situations and forbidden fruit (men who are clearly not wanting to settle down).

Any slow burner experiences?

They can get better and better.

Also, might be worth asking yourself if the “intense passionate spark that comes from difficult situations and forbidden fruit” is grounded in a positive emotion of if it’s grounded in something like fear/anger. There’s a fine line between being nervous/scared and being excited.

Once I worked out that what I mistook for excitement was actually more like my hackles/red flag going up, I made much better decisions.

Adrenaline can be addictive, but it’s there to help you get away or fight someone off.

I feel like I’ve made a good decision seeing this man. But I’m not head over heels and wonder if I should be. All I know is I like seeing him and speaking to him. In the past I’ve never dated anyone when feeing like this, id have had some intense passionate thing full of heartache along the way as well as the love.

I think your friends and family are right. I can speak from experience.

My previous relationships and especially my marriage were intense to start with, felt like soul mates, couldn’t see enough of each other etc...now looking back I can see I was married to someone who displayed some pretty strong narcissistic traits and was probably love-bombed at the beginning of the relationship. They soon showed their true colours and turned out to be a very selfish, manipulative and entitled person.

We are now divorced and my ex is in a new relationship and I can see the lovebombing and insecurities they display and how the same tactics were used on me.

I too have met someone else and our relationship was a slow burner. It felt odd to start with as I was used to the intense feelings that started with all my other relationships, but I had a feeling it was worth sticking with and kept telling myself to not overthink things, enjoy the moment if it doesn’t work out then I am strong enough to carry on with my life.

Well, intense and passionate, and any kind of limerence, isn't really compatible with making a life together: the day to day of dishes, work, sharing a bed, night feeds, sick kids. It can bring you together to begin with but you need something more than that.

If you notice that you only fall head over heels for unavailable men or bad situations, then I think you have a pattern there you need to figure out. Something about that situation sparks a need in you - maybe to avoid true vulnerability or intimacy, to "prove" you can get someone who doesn't want you, I don't know.

I don't think slow burn is necessarily better OR worse, in isolation, than head over heels at first glance. But for you, something is going on in the way you seek out relationships, and the answer to that is in you and not in any other man.

Keep seeing this guy if you really like him, but you need to spend time figuring yourself out too.

I think what ZackPizzazz says it spot on! Coming out of my marriage I focused a lot of my attention figuring who my ex was and why they treated me like they did. But there came a point where I realised that focusing on my ex wasn’t getting me all the answers I wanted and that perhaps I needed to look at who I was and why I put up with being in a mentally abusive marriage for so long.

Thanks posters. I am trying to work out what’s going on with me and why I have previously go out with people who were never really going to have a proper and full life with me. I’m trying my best not to be scared of this new situation because although I feel worried about the lack of stomach turning nerves and all consuming attraction, something in me tells me this is a better basis for something long term. But having never had anything like it before I don’t have a good frame of reference for whether it is going to actually go anywhere.

There’s a guy called Ross Rosenberg who wrote a very good book called ‘The human magnet syndrome’ about why people are attracted to certain people such as empathetic people are attracted to narcissistic people and visa versa, I found it an interesting read.

Personally, I'd avoid trying to categorise relationships like that and look for someone being a good partner, someone you trust to have your back and someone you can be a team with, as well as having the other relationship stuff - love, sex, fun together, enjoying spending quiet times etc.

I had a slow burn relationship with a very nice guy for 20 years. We were.. content. Or so I thought, but it's easy to dismiss red flags when you're in a relationship. After a few years, we basically became house mates. Got on fine but that was the extent of the relationship the rest of the time we were together and eventually, we basically just lived separate lives. No drama, just mates, until I realised we weren't even a team any more, we were just two people living in the same place.

Afterwards, met someone and had all the sparks and fireworks. He wasn't a narcissist, he wasn't unreliable and, several years on, he's supportive, loving, affectionate, protective of my feelings, responsible and does housework without any prompting. The sex is still great and the spark's still there for me - he says he feels the same.

So, I don't think a slow burn relationship is a reliable indicator that they're going to be good partner material. Rather than go to the opposite extreme of what you're used to (which was my original mistake) - why not taking some time away from men in general and work out who you are, what you like doing on your own, what your opinions and interests are, then you'll be in a better place to find someone who works with you in that way?

yes me and DP

I had a previous relationship that was all spark and fiery and passion- also, very damaging.
I met DP at a really difficult time (bereavement) and we just were work colleagues who chatted, then work friends, then friend s out of work. It took us nearly 2 years to fall in love- and never been happier.

passionate thing full of heartache

This was me! I didn't think it was worthy unless t had an element of that heartache.
Genuinely though, Love shouldn't hurt or be difficult- it should be easy and make you feel safe not scared (I wish I knew this in my 20s)

'Men Chase Women Choose' by Dawn Masler. Google the book/Youtube. Something about men building Oxytocin Receptors?

DH and I were a slow burner. Still happy 21 years later

At what point did it go from slow burning to something more meaningful?