Have suddenly got absolutely petrified about my children leaving home

[CheekyTizer]

(name changed for this)

I got divorced about 7 years ago. Exh barely sees the children. The divorce was uncomplicated. About 6 months later, he hooked up with a friend of mine and they have been living together since then.

I had a relationship with someone a year later, my dcs got very close to him and when we broke up it was very hard on them so I vowed that I would stay single for a bit and focus on them. I also had a very full on job, a long commute and was finding life quite difficult trying to bring up 2 dcs on my own with no help from their father (have no family nearby).

My eldest left home last year and it did leave a huge void and I decided I would start online dating as I was now ready for a relationship as the dcs were older. But it was hugely unsuccessful. I went on loads of dates, didn't really click with anyone, got mucked around by a few men and found it left me feeling even lonelier than before. I've now deleted the apps!

Last night I went out for dinner with my son (who still lives at home) and one of my best friends and realised how empty my life is going to feel when my son leaves which is only in a year's time. I am very lucky that I have loads of friends and am involved in loads of projects outside work so it's not as though I'm idle (!) but I cannot imagine coming home every night to an empty house and sitting by myself watching TV every single night on my own.

I am now feeling resentful because exh could go and have a life because he never had the dcs. I really gave up my best dating years to make sure the kids were stable and I did well at work to ensure they had a future. But now i feel I'm old and the older I get, the worse it seems to get for dating and finding someone else!

I'm amazed that you and DS watch the same TV.

Aside from that I don't think it's a great idea to believe that only the magical Mr Right coming along can give you a happy life.

You could try counselling to try to work out what you DO want from your life, what is missing other than someone in the house in the evenings, what would be most fulfilling, new career? new hobbies?
Your life sounds pretty good to me. You will soon be freeeeeeee from responisbilities for the first time in your life = the world's your oyster.

I know what you mean Witchy, I really do and I'm lucky to have such wonderful friends. I think one of the issues is that they are all in couples (so either long term married, or in long term relationships) so everything we do together, I'm always the one on their own which probably heightens that feeling!

It's not that ds watches TV with me, it's the feeling of having someone around I think.

It's funny because until recently, it didn't bother me at all. So I'm not quite sure what's changed to suddenly make me feel concerned about it!

maybe I should just get a lodger when they go

actually thinking about it, it's people's holiday plans that triggered this I think. Everyone was talking about their holidays. My kids are too old now to come on holiday with me so any time away is always on my own. And I think it was the thought of doing that forever that got to me!

I know exactly what you mean, OP. I was widowed when the kids were babies, and I’ve been on my own for 27 years. I knew that it would be tough when they left home, so I planned ahead. I went to bridge lessons for three years, and now play at the club several nights a week. I’m involved in my local church, which runs lots of social activities (walking group, folk club etc), and I go to lots of theatre/opera/films/concerts.
My adult daughters live 50 miles away in the nearest big city, and I love visiting them or having them home for weekends in the country.
I have a full life, and yet... I still mourn and miss my wonderful DH, and the house does seem very quiet and empty.
I think you have to be as positive as you can. Try not to wallow in regret or sadness, or focus on what you are missing. Keep busy, try to enjoy the life you have, even though it’s not the one you envisaged or wanted.
You may meet someone, or you may not, but you can still have a happy and useful life. Have a hug from someone who walks the same road!

I was in the same situation as you last January OP and I got a lodger. She is delightful. Having someone else in the house just instantly lightened my mood and that's continued to this day. We don't interact a lot but we keep a watchful eye out for each other. She's a lot younger than me, I think that helped too

Re holidays - I don't really do them any more, and I don't miss them. Which surprises me but there you go

I'm sorry to hear you were widowed when your children were so young Babdoc. Your positivity really rings through from your post and I understand exactly what you mean! It's a good idea to focus on having a happy and useful life...

dogday I can imagine not missing holidays actually. So maybe that's what I will end up doing!

I have been separated for four years and am now divorced. My children are nineteen and at uni, and seventeen and in the upper sixth. My ex husband is living with someone in her twenties and sees the kids for dinner at the weekend if they and he are both around...

(sorry, keyboard froze)

So I am walking your path. I actually feel quite free. I have a job that I love and can now go out in town after work. I joined the WI and have regular activities there. I would like to be able to go to the gym or to a class in the early evening rather than cook dinner (I am too lazy to go to the gym after I have got home and sat down). I am happier when I am busy, and life is what you make it.

For holidays I intend to book group tours with Exodus or similar (I have done this before albeit not on my own).

Pick up some more hobbies, is my top tip. And I have no interest whatsoever in dating, haven't even tried.

I might take a lodger though.

I mean a female one!

maybe a male lodger would be fine george!

I think all my hobbies are solitary ones (I draw, paint, go to the gym, play the piano). I think I need to develop some hobbies that involve other people. That might be the way to go!

Yes I think so. An art group, choir that needs a pianist, running club? WI??! (It depends on your local group - our average age is in the forties).

I think it helps me that there have been a lot of single women in my family, in the generations above me. I don't feel obliged to find a man really and I certainly don't fancy living with one again!

If you enjoy drawing or painting, why not an evening class? Even if you're Picasso, there's always more to learn. Perhaps you could start selling your art and do weekend markets. The options are endless.

I'm in the same situation op, 2 dc at uni and 3 left at home. Ex has remarried, new baby, social life etc whilst I have been raising kiddies and working full time. I think forward planning is the answer, develop a social life now, join a book club, gym etc. If this fails I might also consider a lodger.