Am I expecting too much?

[SoTellMeIsItMe]

I'm 43 and I've been mostly single since my marriage broke down 6 years ago.

I have 2 children who live at home - one is 19 and at university and the other is 13 and at school.

The youngest spends alternate weekends at her dad's, my son is at home most of the time - he has additional needs and prefers to be at home rather than out partying. He does socialise but prefers his own bed at the end of the night so I rarely have a 'childfree' night.

I've dated a few times but they've never really got serious because I'm not prepared to make the sort of commitment they are looking for as quickly as they want it.

My children will always come first. They have never been awkward about me dating and have liked the two men they have met but i don't think they need to be any part of my relationship with a man until it is definitely serious.

I won't have anyone over to stop the night whilst the children are at home and I have no interest in integrating someone into my family whilst the children are still living at home. I wouldn't move in with anyone whilst the children are still at home.

I know from reading posts on here that a lot of women are quite keen and quite quick, in some cases, to introduce children/blend families/move in but I don't want that and, frankly, don't understand it at all.

Having been the child/teen in that situation, I wouldn't put my own through it!

What I want is a fun, loving, committed, monogamous relationship with someone I can have a future with but without it impacting negatively on my children in the present.

My most recent boyfriend ended it last night because my weekends are all booked up this month - weekend away with my daughter; gigs; daughter's dance shows etc and he wanted to go away for the weekend with me. He feels that he always came second to the children and he didn't like that. And he is right. But I'm not going to apologise for that.

I wouldn't expect anyone to ignore their relationship boundaries for me and I'm not prepared to ignore mine either.

Is that realistic or not?

It's the sort of situation I've chosen as well. I resented my stepdad so yeah. Not prepared to inflict some bloke on my dc. Also teens.

Are you in a relationship, category12 ?

Part of the issue is that haven't met any men who want similar!

It's either the whole shebang or nothing!

I think that, because they are older (and one is technically no longer a child!) they don't see it the way they would do if my children were younger. A lot of men seem to think that my responsibility to them should be less now because they no longer need putting to bed or a story.

Think patience is key here. When the right man will come along it will be a more natural progression.

There must be people (men) your age (my age!) that have children themselves, and need a relationship like this so they can maintain their own relationships with their children? Not sure where you'd start looking though, Meet Up maybe?

I think you’re absolutely right to be putting your children first - but realistically, this means that what you want is a relationship all on your terms and at times which suit you. A boyfriend will naturally want and expect to spend time with you and if all your weekends are regularly booked up, that makes having a relationship with you difficult.

There will be men who would like the same as you; it’s just about being very clear from the beginning that you aren’t in a position to commit much of your time and finding somebody who feels likewise.

It's the same for everyone. You have to meet someone who understands the situation and is happy with it and happy to go at the same pace.

Women who want to blend families don't find it easy either. Meeting someone, getting know them, then balancing introducing the kids, then them all getting to know eachother. And both being ahhpy with the pace.

You will find someone that wants the same things. It just takes time.

Thanks.

I'm not actively looking for someone so not 'dating' or anything.

This last guy, i met him about 18 months ago amd we only got together a few months ago so he both met the children as a friend first and knew/understood my commitment to other things.

November being as busy as it is is unusual - I usually spent the whole weekend with him when my daughter was at her dad's, just not necessarily overnight and at least one evening with him the weekend she was at home although that was usually at my home rather than out. I also saw him at least once and often twice during the week. That's for too much for me. I have work; my daughter's activities; band practise; my own practise at home to do as well as running the house and having no famiy to help or support.

He also felt that he should have been fully integrated into my social life too and that, if I saw my friends, he should have been included in that if their long standing partners were.

But i don't want to fully integrate someone into my life if they might not he there 2 months later!

I suppose I resent a man who just feels like he is just one more thing I have to fit in!

Well obviously I'm not dating - we only split up last night!!

What i mean is generally. I'm not on a mission to find a man. And i haven't been since my marriage ended.

Tough situation really. I can understand why always being 2nd best would be frustrating, you want to make plans with someone you like only to be always told no. Therefore it's perfectly understandable that he would look for someone who can be more available. As for what you can do...set aside set weekends where you will not accept commitments from others. At the end of the day if you want a relationship to work you have to show willingness, being permanently unavailable isn't very attractive.

I do think wanting someone to be exclusive while not including them in things like you social life (where of her partners are included) is going to make it more difficult.

You want the commitment of a relationship, but also want a very separate life.

But again, someone will be happy with this. You just have to find them

To be honest it doesn’t sound like you have time for a relationship at the moment OP?

Maybe something like a friends with benefits with no expectation of commitment etc?

Good for you OP, sadly we have been reading far too much on Mnet about mothers who put their children in risky situations all for the sake of being with someone.

The right person will come around when the time is right and there is nothing wrong with the way you are doing things for you and your children right now.

My sister is divorced and dating. Her stories often end with us saying and that's why he was divorced in the first place

A divorced man I know told me he only dates younger childless women because he wants their undivided attention. I am sure this is true. Also, women his own age don't stand for any of his crap.

He likes us difficult women as friends. Girlfriends are a different species to friends. Girlfriends must adore him, fawn over him and be available whenever he wants. Being well off definitely helps him achieve this.

To clarify:

set aside set weekends where you will not accept commitments from others

My daughter is at her dad's every other weekend. He worked 3 weekends - both days all day - out of 4. So we could only see each other in the evenings. During these weekends, I saw him every Friday night and every Saturday night with the exception of 2 weeks ago when I saw my best friend on the Saturday night for the first time in 2 months. He was ok with that.

On the weekends when my daughter was with me, I usually saw him one night over the weekend when he would come round after 9 and we'd watch a film/get a takeaway.

Mondays, I have band practice 7 - 10pm.
Tuesdays, I always saw him - every week without fail except for one where I was really ill.
Wednesdays, daughter's dance classes - don't get home till 9 so I practise and relax for the rest of that night. Once a month I went to the pub for an hour with my friends
Thursdays, sometimes saw him, sometimes he went out with his friends, sometimes stayed home to do my own thing.
Fri and Sat already explained.
Sunday, family night - just me and the children.

If we had days off midweek that coincided, then we'd meet up for a couple of hours, go for breakfast, we did Christmas shopping together last week.

He had met most of my friends and been to the pub with me with a few of them but I only meet up with them once a month or so - we've known each other for 18 months and had been together for about 7. Only one of them is in a long term relationship; another had a 3 year relationship that ended a few weeks ago. The others, male and female, are single so partners aren't really a standard feature. And no one has introduced a partner to the group until they'd been together for close to a year. Sometimes seeing each other is an hour in the pub, sometimes it's a theatre trip - which he had no interest in anyway. Either way, there is a difference between someone they've been with for 3-5 years and someone I've been seeing for a few months.

When presented with the reality, in theory, he had no issue with me seeing my friends or my hobbies or me prioritising the children. But in practise, he resented it if I had a night off and chose to spend it doing something other than seeing him.

When, in reality, I saw him far more than I saw my other friends all put together!

Girlfriends must adore him, fawn over him and be available whenever he wants

Yes, that is definitely what I think this man wanted. He wanted to be integrated into my family; to do things with my children. I'm not going to do that when I don't know if I'm going to want to be with someone in 6 months time.

I think you're doing the right thing for both you and your kids and as long as you let any potential b/fs know that going in then they can't really complain. I would have thought alot of men would be happy enough with that set up too actually :p

I think you are totally doing the right thing by putting your children first. I'm 48 and just entered being single again with the intention of setting very firm boundaries if/when I feel ready to enter into dating/relationship again. I regret not giving more space between my marriage to my ex-H (father to my DD) and the ex-partner I've just split from. I'm determined NOT to repeat that again.

One of my neighbours had very clear boundaries like this when she split with her ex-H in her 40s. She met someone and she kept them at arm's length for quite a while so it didn't impact on her relationship with her children who were in their teens at the time. She's now in her late 60s and has been in this same relationship for 20+ years, eventually letting him become more involved, but they still don't live together. She says she enjoys her independence and he respects that. In all honesty I want to enjoy living on my own with my DD and to never live with a man again!

I think you're doing the right thing. But having children will always make it difficult to date.

Whoever gets together with you has to accept that if they want a serious relationship, at some point they will essentially have to take the children on as step children. Whether that's full on parenting or just helping, you still have to take them on. You can't just have the parent to yourself and ignore the kids. I think people don't often realise this. This reason is why I would never ever date someone that has kids. I'm useless with children and would probably struggle being a parent to my own children if I have any. Trying to be a parent to someone else's children is way harder, and the people that can do it right are rare.

You maybe just don't have the time to dare. But he shouldn't have expected you to be able to just drop everything and go away for the weekend randomly. Childless partners can do that. Partners with children involved rarely can unless very lucky. He doesn't sound like he understands what it means to date someone with children and isn't capable of it. That's fine but he shouldn't have wasted your time either. I wouldn't waste someone's time like that.

If a guy cannot accept your kids (doesn’t matter how old they are) come first it is his problem not yours.

His lose not yours

I don't think you are expecting too much at all. Your kids must come 1st and someone who is right for you will understand that.

Yes, I am in a relationship. I'm keeping it as dating.

Sounds like you spent time together but didn’t often wake up in the morning together? I can see how he might feel it’s not enough.

I do think there a balance to be had. Ultimately no long term partner can be kept selarate from the dc. Nor does it have to scar them for life.

In my case I’ve been with my BF 3 years and he is a friendly presence in the life of my dc (and I his) he causes them no negative impact. In fact with my younger dd be bad a positive impact, they have a nice relationship. As do I with his youngest. Also teens.

We both have kids though and both understand that they take priority. We have common ground there. Him not having dc maybe makes it less equal.

I would say if you meet the right person it just won’t feel like an issue. So you’ve done the right thing here.

I understand keeping lives separate until you're sure but I think your schedule is too restricted and could do with more flexibility. If he was as strict, your never see each other. I would be annoyed if I were him at not being invited along with friends too. The man likes you and wants to spend time with you. There is respecting boundaries and then there's your situation and I can't see many men who really like you not being frustrated by it. He should also have been a priority even if slightly further down and I think you weren't that into him.