Children meeting the OW

[Asifiwouldletyoubreakme]

I have discovered that on the next contact my children are visiting the OW’s place of work (they are still unaware of her existence, as are his family members). I calmly asked my stbx about this, wondering out loud if his plan was to engineer an accidental meeting between them, to which he denied, saying there would be no meetings until after xmas.

We have been separated following his affair for 6 months (first discovered in 2015 and then I found out it had never stopped). Eldest dd (10) has separation anxiety, has struggled with him moving from his parents to his own place and will not take the news well.

We are not on great terms (never in front of the 2 dcs) and communicate in writing mostly but had originally agreed to have a discussion before any new partners where bought on the scene,

I know I need to suck it up regardless but am wondering if anyone has any tips on how to steer my children and myself through this. He is a manipulative person, and there was also emotional and financial abuse happening which I didn’t realise until I was out of the situation. I am having weekly counselling but have been knocked for six with this bit of information.

Any advice gratefully received. Thank you.

It’s horrible I agree. I think just tell him that whatever happens, he shouldn’t lie to them - they not forget that. You can’t do much but hope to hell he puts them first, but given his behaviour, that seems unlikely.

I was put in the same situation.

I wasn't even told that he was going to do it, the boy's came home and told me - 4 weeks after he left. Although they did know about her as ds2 asked if Dad had a girlfriend when he left and l wasn't going to lie. Ds2 then asked if it was the OW because XH went running/biking with her every night.....plus he'd invited her round one night whilst l was away and the boy's were home....

Thank you.

It is hard having these discussions with someone you have no trust in whatsoever yet still hoping they will do the right thing.

I’m so sorry that happened to you Fishes, I hope you and your boys are doing ok. Some people are so utterly selfish in their actions, leaving it to others to pick up the pieces.

They are going to her workplace and might meet her ? Seems odd ! What workplace has children visiting ?

Unfortunately he had checked out of our relationship years ago .... he just forgot to tell anyone else, so he doesn't see any issue's with the OW becoming "stepmum" that quickly. I had to remind him that everyone else, including his parents are still reeling from the split and he is rushing getting her involved and he risks it back firing.

It led to some spectacular arguements as OW had to go everywhere with them and my youngest just wanted time without her. To the extent that they asked to spend New Yr alone with him. He refused and wanted her there too. So he told them that if they don't like it he suggests they stay with me instead. My boys have now chosen to stay with me for all key dates this past year. They are 11 and 15yrs.

Birdie6 It’s a boutique children’s clothes shop, says he wants to buy them a few bits and she won’t be there, even though he claims to have no money and got their coats from Asda

Does she work somewhere that it's reasonable for him and the DC to go? Swimming pool, supermarket, soft play etc? If she works in an office then it's VERY odd and definitely engineered to have an accidental meeting.

Unfortunately you don't have any say over who your ex introduces your DC to. All you can do is support your DC - if they are upset, listen to their feelings and let them know it's okay to be sad. If they like OW (it can happen) then grit your teeth and be happy for them (and take some comfort in the fact that she's at least being nice to your DC.)

It sounds like their dad may well be the kind of parent who minimises their feelings, tells them not to feel their feelings, etc. You concentrate on being their safe space where they can be honest about their emotions.

You are not the relationship police and cannot say who he's does or does not see nor can you set conditions around his access to his children because you might not like whom he is seeing. If he's any sort of responsibile person he will be curtious to you but he does not need your permission. You need to be aware that you do not have sole rights with regards to your children, they are as much his as yours. Of course it would be great if handled like adults but if not NEVER use the children to punish him or deny access for spiteful reasons, that only hurts the children and they will eventually find you out and resent you for it. Be the better person and go with it with dignity.

^^^^
Lots of empathy there.

not the relationship police

You have been given some sound advice. Sadly you can't make home behave reasonably but you can prepare your children. Be open by appropriate. Talk to them about moving on from each other it not from them. Talk about new "partners" and their place in their parents lives generally. Make it normal for them. The rest is down to him x

@movinforward....horrible post. OP clearly has her children's best interests at heart and is seeking advice to help DC cope with this difficult situation.

OP - my DC are older and have both stated they will never meet OW - I'm sure they will if the relationship lasts - so I don't know what it's like for younger DC.i have read on here though from posters who remember being in the position of your DC and how awkward and horrible they found it.advice seems to be to try and stay neutral, listen to DCs comments and don't lie but maybe not the full warts and all version of the truth.

Good luck.

Make your kids aware and his family too before he spins the story completely different from the truth.

In fact, make everybody aware that your stbx is in new relationship.

Sorry about your situation.

Picking up on what Pps have said, I wouldn’t tell the kids that there as an affair. It wouldn’t gain them anything and only cause them hurt and conflict when they are around their Dad and his partner.

It sucks OP, but the best thing for the kids is to be positive so they can have a relationship with both parents. Which it does sound like you are doing so far OP.

Having been through something similar the best thing to do is to organise a catch up with friends/family that day. Keep busy and occupied. And try not to focus on your ex and if he is going to introduce the kids to his OW. He may well be lying (I suspect he is and she will be there)

You can't control what he does but you can control how it makes you feel and how you react! Don't let him win.

So try try try and surround yourself with good people on that day. It gets easier I promise xxxx

Thanks to those of you that offered constructive and practical advice, have definitely taken it on board.

My thoughts go out to those also in (or have been in) similar situations.

So long as you voice objections to your ex he gets his jollies from knowing your upset.

Stay calm. Do not question the kids, just say that is nice. Did you have a good time, and as said have plans so you don't fret about what is going on.

Take the high road. But also stop hoping he’ll do what’s right, you’re just setting yourself up to be disappointed.

Do the children know there is a new partner? I don’t mean that she is OW, just that there is someone in his life?

If not, you might want to try to find a tactful way of gently introducing that idea into their minds. Just because it’s a dreadful shock to bump into someone and either at that moment or over time realise it’s the new partner.

Children aren’t stupid, they will know something is up. You don’t need to tell them she’s the OW, they will work it out for themselves over time.