Early bird and night owl - can it work?

[TiredPony]

I'm in a new relationship. As the title says, he is an early bird and I am a night owl. If we go to bed early I toss and turn and usually end up getting up in the early hours, if we go to bed late he'll spend the next night struggling not to drop off. He wakes up early and I like to sleep in. We only see each other at weekends so it's not a massive problem at the moment but I can see it coming so if things get more serious.

Is anyone else in a similar relationship and what have you done to make things work?

Yes it can work! I'm an owl and I've been been married to a lark for 24 yrs!

I've become much more of a lark. It's inevitable if you have DC, you are naturally forced in to it. Infants tend to wake at the crack of sparrows! Then there is the decade or so of doing the school run. It was great having a partner who was energetic and chirpy in the mornings while I was adjusting.

And once in your fifties you start waking up much earlier anyway whether you like it or not!

Thanks Staringcoat - I've no DCs but he does, and I suspect that may be part of the problem. I've never had to go to bed early, just followed my own body clock.

DH is an early bird, I detest mornings and think 1am is an early night. Plus we both work shifts that don't always match up. It's worked for us for 10 years.

We do sometimes go to bed at the same time..... I then faff on my phone or read a book on my phone while he snores his head off until I'm tired.

For morning he now gets up at his first alarm rather than snoozing a few times and I get to sleep on. Sometimes I get up early too so we can do things.

It's all about compromise and as long as you both respect each other's preference with a bit of give and take it's fine.

No not from my experience

I'm an owl who's been married to a lark for almost 30 years. I don't really know how, but we've managed. It's normal to us.

Thank you SayKnockKnock - 1am is an early night for me! But I hadn't thought of it in terms of what if we did shift work and that's an interesting angle. I'll think about this. He doesn't seem concerned but we have talked about it.

The reason I'm posting this now is because he would normally stay over on a Sunday night. We went out last night and came home at in the early hours. We got up early today and I'm still wide awake so he went home because he was nodding off. I don't want it to become an issue, but I think after tonight it already is.

Oh no Puddled2, why do you say that?

Currently not working great for me. I am not really a lark though, DH definately an owl. I sort of exist in a perpetual fog of exhaustion because I try to live his hours and have totally forgotten to go to bed when I am tired because I am so used to fighting it. It sounds silly but it’s actually been a major issue in our marriage but only because he has historically been really inflexible about it and we both have given too much weight to his opinion and not enough to mine in the past. We have been together 17 years but are only really able to talk about being flexible around this now. If you are thinking about it already I think thats a great sign.

Compromise really is the only option. DH came to bed about 2230 I've only been in bed about 20mins. He didn't wake up but he'll cuddle in a bit once he realises I'm here.

I know his alarm is set for 0730, no chance I'm getting up then it's the middle of the night so I'll lie in til 9ish so we can still spend some time together before my nightshift later on.

One good thing about our set up, On really cold nights I'm a complete cowbag and stick my freezing feet on him and burrow in for a heat.

My last LTR was a night owl, and I'm a lark.

The most important thing is to keep having sex. I used to bring him a cup of tea at 7am, he would usually having morning wood so I'd just climb on board for a quickie. We'd reconnect properly at the weekends when we could stay in bed til after midday (providing our teenager wasn't in need of a lift somewhere...)

Most nights I'd head to bed for 10pm latest.

It can work, but requires compromise / understanding from both parties - and does cause frustration from time to time. I'm a lark (mostly) and my DW is an owl - so I'll be falling asleep when she's wide awake, and then I'll be awake while she's looking to sleep.

It does get easier as age results in her being awake earlier.

This is the only big issue between DH and I. He's a lark up at 5 and in bed by 9. I'm an owl and my body clock runs 7am til midnight. I need less sleep and if I go to bed with him im often up at 3am. It's effected my mood and sense of well-being. He can't compromise because of work and commuting.

To compound this further I work in residential with looked after children and frequently work 17 hr days on 4 hrs sleep followed by another 8hrs work. Sometimes I get home at 1am. I'm then up at 5 even when I don't need to be because I'm sensitive to hearing the alarm. I'm exhausted mostly, and that has a negative impact. I don't feel healthy, miss exercise, feel sluggish and look crap!

And every bloody job I look at would require I either work ridiculous hrs or at least start ridiculously early. So I guess it's me who will have to adapt.

I'd love to know what other owls do for work 😀

I've always been a complete nightowl. I'd fall asleep at maybe 1am if I was lucky, had to be reading to keep my mind distracted. Not a chance earlier than that.

Two years ago I moved in with my girlfriend and her two little girls (then 2 & 6.)

I can now sleep easily at any time. Literally any time. I would quite like to sleep now please.

Childen are an effective cure to being a nightowl in my experience.