DD is currently not talking to his parents. They have a long history of being dismissive of him, always seeming to judge him as being in the wrong, seeing him as a 'fuck-up', making him apologise for things even when they really should be the ones apologising etc. This latest blew up after his mum, without sufficient context to see the true picture, told him he was responsible for a manager having a go at him and owed the manager an apology (what actually happened was manager had had a day where she shouted at a load of people for no good reason and upset them).
He's had a few of these times he hasn't wanted to speak to them before, but this time is different as he is so angry that he doesn't want them to see our kids - he feels that as they haven't made an effort with him they don't get to see the kids until they consider what they have done wrong. And admittedly their only response to this has been texts from his dad basically telling him all the things he should be grateful for, what's his problem? and why he should sort himself out. No 'What's wrong?', 'Let's talk and sort this out' and so on.
Now before you go nuclear on him, I'm not convinced he will stand by this - I have told him that bringing kid access into it is a horrid move, will totally undermine his case and just make them focus on 'Boo hoo, boo hoo, DS is so horrible he's not letting us see the kids' and playing the victims. He sees my point to some extent but still feels that until they give a shit about him, why should they see the kids?
I don't want a load of posts about this is a shitty thing to do (it is, I know) and DH is a bastard (he's not). I'm not sure how and if I can convince him about the kids thing, I've said about everything I can say.
It's all been made more awkward as MIL left a phone message asking after me and asking to speak to the kids on Friday... DH has not intimated anything to his parents yet about not seeing the kids, but I honestly didn't feel I could go behind his back and have them speak with her, plus she might talk to them and (not necessarily manipulatively) arranged to do something with them. I have not as yet returned her call nor do I feel I can speak to her until DH has decided what he wants to do, as I don't want to say anything about their access to the kids.
BTW, they live locally. We historically see them almost every week. I don't think going NC is an option unless we were to move or something and they are not so appalling as to merit that much exertion. I think suggesting there is less contact (there is one night a week we pretty much always see them) for the future might be a better thing.
The really frustrating bit is that DH is resisting telling them directly 'I am really angry because you have made no effort to contact me to ask what your role is in all of this, rather than admonishing me' and is on some level holding to keeping himself and the kids away until they magically realise this. When the whole problem is because they are utterly fucking unaware!
Any advice (without just slagging off DH, no he is not thinking this through well, but he is a good person) appreciated.
TL;DR - Husband so angry with parents for their emotional mistreatment of him for years that he wants to withhold them seeing kids & believes he shouldn't directly tell them what they've done wrong because they have to realise it themselves if they actually care about their relationship with him