I really need help please.

[Confuddledmum]

Hi, I've been out of a 16 year marriage for 1 year and met someone 5 months ago who is my absolute world and he tells me all the time he loves me etc. I have a problem believing him but he keeps saying it. The thing is he's been on relationship in the past lasting 15 years but never got engaged as didn't want to with her. I want to get engaged to him but I don't think he is the marriage type I don't want to get married but engaged is as good I think. I'm sort of expecting him to do it Christmas day but scared if he doesn't I will be heart broken. He says he has never loved anyone as much as he loves me but if he doesn't get engaged I don't believe him. He also doesn't seem to want to put my name on cards etc and wants to.buy separate presents I'm confused as surely if he loved me as much as he says he does we would have joint presents and engagement would be talked about.
Please help me please

Engagement is not as good as married. It gives you no added rights. Being engaged is supposed to mean that you intend to get married.

And, if I'm reading it right, you barely know each other, so give your head a wobble.

I think you’re getting in far too deep far too soon. You were only seven months out of a long marriage when you met this chap, you know he’s commitment phobic, yet after only 5 months together you’re pushing for engagement or marriage?
I think you should take a big step back, cool things down, and try to look at this chap a bit more objectively instead of through rose tinted glasses. You’re letting wishful thinking cloud your judgment.

That sounds daft after five months. Don’t set yourself up to be ‘heartbroken.’

Do you know what engaged is?

5 months and you are hoping to get engaged..especially after a 16 year marriage.
When was your divorce finalised? Why are you so keen to settle down again, honestly can't relate to how quickly you want to move on, especially if you have children.

Hello its great you have found love again but after a 5 month relationship its too soon to be thinking of engagement and even putting joint names to things... you were only 1 year out of a long term marriage and i know from exxperience its too soon to think long term. Give yourself more time.if you put him under pressure you will push him away. Enjoy the now!

Give it at least 4 or 5 years before you talk about engagement. You need time to get to know each other. Or it looks like you are rushing him.

Woah there OP! You shouldn’t be thinking about getting engaged if you haven’t even talked about the idea of getting married. You’d be mad to marry someone you don’t live with. You’re still getting to know him!

He can love you and think it’s too soon for giving joint cards and gifts, moving in together or proposing. That’s normal! If he’s never been married before he might not have wanted to marry his ex or he might not like the idea of marrying anyone. That’s okay too.

Take a big deep breath and relax.

And getting engaged means nothing. You’ve been married, you know that.

You need to slow down. I am a year out of a 17 year marriage and have a Dp. I love him, completely. He loves me too. If he wanted to get engaged now I would tell him he was off his head.

You are setting yourself up for disappointment and setting him up to fail. He hasn't talked about getting engaged or proposing soon, but you have it in your head that he will. He can't win this.

Why would he proposed if neither of you want to get married. Sounds like you just want to have one up on his ex.

Do you really want to be with someone who stayed with a woman he knew he didn't want for 15 years? He took 15 years of her life, why? Why not split up with her and let her find someone who did love her? That's nasty and cruel.

I take it you were the OW?

On what basis are you expecting him to propose over Xmas OP? In the nicest possible way it doesn't even sound like he sees your relationship as serious if he wants to keep things separate.
The good news is that he is behaving normally to not want to rush in after just 5 short months- that's no time at all to be doing those things.

I suppose it's a matter of opinion but 'getting engaged' is really no commitment at all if you aren't getting married. It's supposed to be engaged to be married, so, engagement, book a wedding, go through with that. It's not a halfway house, without a wedding actually on the cards it's pretty meaningless.
Do you feel as though if he proposes to you it means he loves you more than he loved his ex? Overall you do sound very insecure OP, perhaps it would be better to work that out than to pushing for him to plug the gaps in your insecurity. Why do you not believe he loves you? Will you really feel better if he proposes if that's the case? Surely you will just worry he doesn't really want to and then be upset that he's proposed but won't marry you...It's a slippery slope!

7 months after a 16 year marriage ended you met someone else and 5 months later (and the first Christmas) you're expecting to give joint presents and an engagement.

I'd be running a mile!

After 5 months I wouldn't even be thinking boyfriend/girlfriend/relationship!

Way way too fast!

Waaaaaay too soon!

I've just been thinking about this as I have been with my fella for just over 5 months now and I haven't thought or would bring up engagements or getting married

Step back from the engagement!!!!
Been there done it after a 14 year relationship... it lasted 3 years including a baby.
Get out now enjoy yourself and see the friend for a night or 2 a week, when you feeling horny.

I see absolutely no point in an engagement with no intention to get married.

Just stay as BF and GF for now. It's early days...what's the rush to be having cards signed by both of you.

You send cards to your friends from you and vice versa.

Wow OP.
Please calm down.
You are 5 months in and only been out of another marriage for 1 year.
Stop with all the expectations.
Engagements mean absolutely nothing!
Please try to enjoy what you have.
I would suggest some work on yourself would be beneficial.
Please look into counselling.
This is not a normal response to this situation.
Your 16 year marriage ended so why would you want to get married again so soon?
Take your time.
Slow down.
Enjoy being happy with things as they are.
In another 6+ months you can re-look at it and see how you feel.
Right now you are basically on the rebound.

Wo there, OP. 5 months and all this? You seriously need to take a chill pill and slow down!

I do understand how after seeing yourself as part of a couple the ‘need’ to feel part of a couple again at some deep level, the problem is it’s very easy to feel you need to ‘rush’ as a sign that it’s right, believe me, I’ve been there twice, it’s the wrong thing to do, commitment doesn’t need a ring for proof of feelings, it’s just ‘there’