Not really looking for a hand to hold, I think I’ve got this. And not looking for advice, as I’ve already walked away from the situation and won’t be going back. But interested to hear your opinions all the same.
So a few months ago I had a little breather in my life, found myself in between jobs, relationships, homes… (I don’t want to be too specific) and had some well deserved freedom and time off. To fill my free time I agreed meet up with a guy who also had some time to spare that week. It’s not quite a date as we arranged to meet to do something together. Let’s say we went to play squash or something like that. As it was in the daytime rather than the evening and we met up to do something specific, it wasn’t really a date as such. But as we both knew the other person single there was perhaps a little tension in the air, not entirely unwelcome on my part to be fair. The day went well, and we then grabbed a meal afterwards, then some drinks… and at some point that evening we were back at mine having sex. I was perfectly happy with this, I am no angel, and honestly this was the perfect time in my life for a little adventure. No regrets there.
Now, from what I was being told that evening I had no reason to worry about hurting his feelings, my date was about 5-6 months out of a long committed relationship, wasn’t looking for a new one, wanted to remain independent bla bla… I was perfectly fine with this too given my own circumstances at the time. What I was maybe less OK with was his little hints of having been a bit of a player since he broke up with his ex, a bit like, “oh I get up to this stuff all the time nowadays, he he”. But as I wasn’t really expecting it to turn into a relationship, and I honestly was in no position to judge, so I just let those remarks pass without comment. And on the whole I get that the overall sentiment here on MN, and among my circle of friends for that matter, is to not judge someone for their past sexual history – to which I agree or course.
Now, during that week this date becomes a little fling rather than a ONS, including a couple more perfectly nice dates, during which Mr. Independent keeps up the care-free attitude and among other things mentions other recent dates and adventures he has had been since becoming single.
But of course the inevitable happens and my fling starts hinting that he has got the feels and sees something more in me, that we should start seeing each other as a couple. This post is not about me asking my fellow mumsnetters whether he is a keeper, because he just isn’t and I won’t pursue anything in any case. But it’s more that I find it so cheeky of him think it is OK to start a (supposed) relationship by clearly relating to me that I am just one of many recent conquests, but then somehow discover that I’ve got the potential to be more than that. Almost a bit patronising if anyone gets my drift? Like, “oh, it turns out you’re a keeper after all. Who would have thought. I used to be such a stud, but you’ve calmed me down babe.”
I get the feeling that most many at MN are OK with their relationships being open in the first few weeks (months?) and that one should not get too hung up on their partner’s adventures with other people before you started dating, even if it is quite recently before you hooked up. And again I am no angel myself, but at least I wouldn't talk about these things out loud in the bedroom with a new partner – regardless whether I see him as someone for the short term or the long term. But do I have anyone with me in thinking that this attitude is really off putting, even a deal breaker?