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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When to call it a day?

8 replies

Spin66 · 11/11/2018 19:07

Phew, this maybe longer than I’d like, but rather than drip feed, I thought it best to tell all.

Met DP online nearly several years ago. Clicked and started dating, even though there was a 50 mile distance between us.

Both in our 50’’s so been around the block a few times.!

5 months in he was hospitalised with a condition that was painful, but treatable and would require some lifestyle changes to manage it.

During this time I was being made redundant, so was able to be there more for him, after several months we decided that I move in as things had moved on.

In hindsight, that was way to early! I moved from a city to a village and felt very isolated and also realised that he was very laid back (lazy) re housework.

During this time I was only working 2-3 days, but was subsidising my share of bills (50/50) with my redundancy money.

I also found out that he was a “previous member of Adultwork and was a keen user of Porn- had been single for the previous 9years).

This tainted what I thought we had and coupled with being unhappy with where I was, 16 months later I moved out (City girl 😀).

Stayed in contact and decided to try at a relationship.

Since then, we were seeing each other 1 day during the week, as one of my jobs is out his way, and then alternate weekends.

During the time that time, he has not once organised anything for us to do. I have raised this, but each time he says “yeah I’ll do something” or he’s too ill and I end up feeling guilty.

For extra info, he has poor knees, a stomach condition, COPD as well as being treated for anxiety.

I’m not the fittest in the bunch, but his idea of a goodnight is a takeaway and a Netflix.

Sex is... basically me doing the lions share of the physical work.!

I’m not sure what I’m asking really,

I guess I feel more like a Carer/Mother than a partner, but don’t know how to bring an end to this.

OP posts:
maximumcarnage · 11/11/2018 19:18

You’ve taken the time to point out all the things you’re not happy with and not so much about what you are happy with. I would suggestion your not happy with the situation and already feel like you should be moving on. At his age he’s not going to be changing any time soon.

Not suggesting this guy is evil incarnate. Just set in his way who’s had a pretty lonely existence. He probably is a nice enough guy. But judging from your comments he’s probably not the right guy for you. Best of luck though.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/11/2018 19:23

and you are trying to keep this relationship going because....

What are you getting out of this. You are getting something out of this so what needs of yours are being met here?

If you want to end it then tell him directly it’s no longer working for you.

Why is your relationship bar so very low here. Is he that preferable to you being on your own?

Spin66 · 11/11/2018 19:45

maximumcarnage- no I haven’t pointed out his good points, which has made me read back what I wrote.

Attila. I am a ‘Carer’ by nature, but I am trying to change this. That is probably why I feel so grrr towards him. Not his fault per se, but any change has him going ☹️ and I get dragged back in.

Tired of it all to be honest.

OP posts:
RyderWhiteSwan · 11/11/2018 19:55

No, just no. You will end up as his carer only.

NotTheFordType · 11/11/2018 20:11

The "moving to a village" would have been my Call It A Day moment TBH.

i think this calls for a "I'm sorry but this isn't working for me. I wish you all the best" conversation.

PaleRider1 · 11/11/2018 21:56

I think you know when it’s time to call it a day when you’re questioning when to call it a day.

You don’t sound happy. Only one life, go live it

trojanpony · 11/11/2018 22:03

When to call it a day?

Today...

This relationship doesn’t sound like it’s working for you

Gemini69 · 11/11/2018 22:09

this will not improve OP.. he has become so lazy that even in intimacy you're doing all the work... get out now Flowers

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