What to do?

[Grandadwasthatyou]

Long story short my Fil is wanting to us to accept the fact he has another woman now my Mil has died. Which would be all well and good if it wasn't for my dh's and my gut feeling that she is the ow from when mil was alive.
We knew something was going on 4 years ago when Mil was still alive ( both in their 60's) as she had shown me and DH an anonymous letter she had received saying he was having an affair with somebody at the gym he regularly went to.

Although he denied it ( said it was just somebody causing trouble) we knew the letter was probably true ( and from the ow) as a while previously he had asked dh to fix his phone and in doing so he inadvertently found some photos which a married man should not have had! Anyway Mil preferred not to believe the letter ( dh did not feel able to mention the photos) and life carried on.

Fast forward a couple of years since Mil died and fil has needed an operation which necessitated my dh staying for a couple of nights with him once he returned home. Dh overheard him on the phone speaking to a female and when dh asked if he had been seeing this woman when his Mum was alive fil could not give a straight answer.

Fil refused to tell dh who it was ( which causes dh to believe he may know her) , said she was married and asked my dh to leave the house for the afternoon so that she could come around. Which Dh did! Even though he had made special arrangements to be able to go there and keep his Dad company and see to his needs whereas instead he ended up walking the streets in the rain!

I feel mad and hurt for my dh and mil even though she is no longer with us. I liked my mil very much and would find it very difficult not to say anything to Fil about the whole thing. He has asked my dh not to tell me as, in his words, " you know what women are like about these things". Well of course my dh has told me.

So do I let just my dh express his views, do I keep out of it, do I tell fil I do not agree with any of it , do I tell him how dare my dh be asked to walk the streets whilst he entertains this woman?

In a nutshell, is it any of my business? I would find it very hard to be civil and am normally kind and diplomatic.

Probably best if you stay out of it, and let DH decide what he wants to do. You'll only make matters worse.

I think it's up to your DH. When he was asked to leave the house, he should have come home and let FIL and his ladyfriend get on with it. It doesn't sound as if FIL was in need of looking after by his son.

As for whether FIL was involved with this woman prior to MIL's death, it's irrelevant now, 2 years have passed. I'd be inclined to let him live his life as he chooses - MIL is no longer here so can't be hurt, and it really isn't anything to do with you who your father in law socialises with.

While this is all really uncomfortable, it’s really not your business. I am sorry though, it must be hard.

Sadly the reality of people’s lives is often more messy than we would like. MiL had the information and chose to ignore it. That was her prerogative.

What’s the situation with the new woman, will she now be spending important occasions by FiL’s side?

Hopefully in time you can make peace with it.

She is still married so her identity will remain a secret. She knows who my dh is apparently but as he doesn't know who she is he feels he could be talking to her anytime, anywhere which he feels puts him at a disadvantage.

I know I should keep out of it but find the whole thing distasteful and think by not mentioning it that fil will think I approve. I don't like confrontation so it's not as if I'm keen to say anything anyway.

And Emma I ** think you are right about the fact it didn't sound as if fil needed much help from my dh.
Should just have let lady friend get on with it!

Wether this is the other woman or not is irrelevant. How wonderful that your fil will grow older with this new companion instead of lonely and hopeless like many are. Please try and see it from his side, I'm afraid your mil is no longer here so your loyalty to her is now obsolete.
I realise this is all easier said than done.

Your FIL is a widower now and can and should date as he pleases.
It’s a good thing he met someone - does it matter what the circumstances are?
His marriage with MIL was between him and her. And they both made choices.

I’d stay out and be supportive. Your H would eventually accept her - as he’ll see that she makes his aging father’s last years less lonely.

Next time fil needs help tell him to ask his “woman” to help him

Is she having an affair or is she separated from her own husband? This would be key for me in terms of putting it out my my mind. If she is having an affair then it’s more awkward.

Still doesn’t change anything. What can you actually do or say?

She's having an affair with fil.
She is still married and with her husband.

Understand - but it's his choice. If it comes to nothing but heartache then that's for him to learn.
The best you can do is not judge. It's his life to get on with. You've your own family to take care of. All you can do is listen and support.

Avacado Congrats you win blue ribbon for stupidest paragraph every posted on MN

Yet another cheating bastard! In honour of his wife who suffered this man wish him well and hope his cock falls off..

My STBX was in a similar situation with his Dad, only difference is that other woman was a widow. He married her very soon after his wife's death and upset a lot of the family. Move on a few years and they can all see she makes him really happy and the past is, well past! He deserves happiness too. Now his health is deteriorating, they are all grateful he has his new wife to look after him.
Time is a healer.
Your fil may end up alone and heartbroken over this though.
I agree, it's not fair your husband doesn't know the identity of this woman but she knows him.

@Olderbyaminute ODFOD

Op this is absolutely none of your business and you should not be spending emotional energy thinking about it. ]

If your FIL wasn't monogamous - that's none of your business
If your FIL is now seeing someone new - that's none of your business
If your FIL is being a dick to your H - that's your H's business to resolve with your support. If your H actually wandered the rainy streets for hours then he's a bloody pillock when he could have been sitting in Costa.

You’re right COSTA it definitely could be an agreed polyamorous arrangement when the late spouse was alive but it surely must be awkward/difficult or whatnot for the son and daughter in law to witness esp if grieving so soon after his mother’s death but to ask is son to leave the house in rain to accommodate a married gf ow or whatever is really insulting to the son

Not the ford....unfortunately it's a very small town , no Costa or similar and even the library is closed on a Saturday afternoon. He did look around Home Bargains or Yorkshire Trading for a short while!
Unfortunately he didn't have the car as I needed it to take the dc out.

I guess I'm finding it hard to accept Fil can now have what was the OW in his home freely now but is still not wanting to respect my dh by telling him who she actually is. But I do think dh should have told his Dad that his ladyfriend should have said she wouldn't visit while my dh was there, knowing he would have to leave the house. His Dad even said to dh that it looked like rain , he had better take his brolly and not to come back before 7 in case he bumped into this lady!

But following most people's advice I will withdraw and leave dh to make his mind up what he wants to say or do. Hard though it may be.

What a strange situation. Why can't dh be allowed to meet her? Maybe it's someone he knows? I'd be more intrigued than anything else.

Single...Yes FIL says it is someone dh knows or at least she knows who my dh is so now we are left in the dark which makes it worse as everyone he speaks to now he will be wondering if it is her. And she's obviously told fil not to reveal who she is as dh may possibly know her husband as well.

I may be in the minority, but I don't think it's irrelevant if fil was cheating on his mil. Why on earth is it OK now that mil is gone? He still cheated while she was alive, his gf is still cheating, and it should be ignored and accepted as decent behaviour? No way. Too many ppl get away with shit like this because otherwise decent ppl choose to ignore it. If I were you, I'd make it clear exactly what you think of his inappropriate and disgusting behaviour. I wouldn't be inviting a cheat and a liar into my house, nor spending any time with him if I had any choice about it. Your dh can do as he sees fit, it's more difficult as it's his dad, but tbh, if I found out my father had cheated on my mother, I'd lose all respect for him and really cut back on any contact.