End it or keep trying

[Newhousey]

Desperately need advice. Has anyone else been in a similar position?

Been with DP 3 years and have a 1 year old. Things happened fast for us but we made the best of it when I fell pregnant - moved in together and got started with a family. We have now bought a house together and moved in only last month. 35 year mortgage.

Ever since DS was born I haven't felt the same. Kept hoping it'd go away but it hasn't. DP feels like a brother to me. I love him like a good friend but I'm not in love with him. He's familiar and nice and I care deeply for him, his family are wonderful and we share a lot of mutual friends. But I'm not happy, and people can see that. We're just so so different, we don't laugh together and he's very serious while I'm just... Not. My friends don't like him and say he's abrasive and stubborn and condescending, which he is, but he's also caring, deeply loyal and loving. He's a good dad and the main earner in our house. I work and study so don't earn much so don't even know how I'd support me and the baby.

The idea of leaving him makes me so sad but being with him is just so hard. I find myself laying in bed every night wishing I was alone and I've started smoking (which I always hated) because I'm so stressed.

We jumped in too fast and the consequences are that we're trapped in a relationship with a new house, I don't know where he or I would go as we don't have much family nearby, and as I'm the one with the problem I assume it'd be me having to leave. I never thought this would happen but I'm just not in love with him and I don't think I will be again.

I think you need to pluck up courage and talk to him. He may feel the same? Then you could work out what to do about it together rather than by yourself.

Sorry not to drip feed I wrote this in a rush in the car while baby was sleeping.

I spoke to him about this maybe 5/6 months ago and broke down crying about how I wasn't happy and things had to change (him helping out more round the house etc) but they haven't and I still feel the same.

What was his reaction?

@MaggieMuggins he almost didn't take me seriously. Gave me a cuddle in bed and said it was due to hormones from quite recently having a baby and that it'd get better in time and to just wait and see. Despite me telling him I wanted to leave etc he said just wait and everything will be fine.

Oh love. That's not much use is it? Do you have anyone you can confide in IRL? And it sounds like you are going to have to talk to him again and make him understand that you're serious. Cuddles and sympathy may seem like a kind reaction but he's actually just shutting you down.

Thanks for replying again MaggieMuggins it's really kind of you.

I've talked to a couple of friends about it but being mid-twenties they're very much 'leave him and come party with us do what makes you happy' - they don't have kids and don't realise how much more complicated it is than that.

I just don't know what else to do. Especially as we've just bought this new house and neither of us could afford it on our own.

OP you only live once. If you’re not happy, and you’re quite sure your relationship is the cause, then you need to change it. I don’t blame your DP for wondering if it was hormones before (baffling to men). Your DP from what you have written sounds kind and reasonable. He will be hurt, of course he will, but if he’s a good man you will both find your way through this and be good parents. The house is financially tricky but you need to talk about what might be able to be done x

He needs to help more around the house definitely.

But are you maybe just missing your old lifestyle of partying? That's unlikely to return now that you have a child and a mortgage to be fair, you have expensive things to pay for and probably not much time. Your friends might just not understand that you're settled down when they still party so they won't understand.

You got with him knowing what he was like, and stayed with him for two years before your child was born. You knew he was serious and still loved him I assume. So the change only happened after your child was born. It could be hormonal, some women do become disinterested in their partner after birth, especially if they don't help out. Or it could be pnd.

I think maybe counselling might be worth a shot before giving up. He needs to realise that he needs to help more.

Hey. I want to give you a hug. You story sounds similar to mine except I'm nearly 8 years and 2 DC down the line, and we were together a lot less time than you before I became pregnant. I'm assuming that you pregnancy wasn't planned?

TBH it amazes me that any relationship survives the challenges of early parenthood. It is so hard, especially if you are in a situation where your relationship isn't rock solid to begin with.

On MN there is always lots of "you only get one life, leave" advice... like leaving is as easy as making a cup of tea. Leaving a partner is rarely easy especially when there are children involved. Pre my relationship I sat on the sidelines watching friends and thinking "just leave". When you are in that place "just leave" is incredibly difficult.

Only you can decide whether leaving is best for you and DS. Life may be better, or it may not. No-one has a glass ball, and no relationship is perfect.

My only reason for not wanting to leave is that I desperately want this relationship to work, and sometimes it does. Certainly to the outside world it does. I have spent most of the 8 years viewing my relationship as I might an arranged marriage and it makes the less good days seem a bit better. I'm not being beaten up, we have a comfortable life and sometimes we even have fun!

Have you read any self help books or considered counselling? I recently read "stay or leave" by beverley stone, and found it really helpful......Its how I came to the conclusion that the only reason I stay is because I want it to work......I'm certainly not trapped.And you aren't either, although I appreciate that it might feel like that. I'd also recommend counselling if you can afford it. Couple counselling hasn't worked for us, but I go weekly on my own to help me through. This certainly isn't the life I thought I'd have. Maybe I'm just not brave enough to test and see if the grass really is greener. Good luck

@Newhousey How are you feeling today?

I'm honestly not sure @MaggieMuggins ... I feel so awful as I just wish I could flick a switch and fall in love with my partner. It'd make everything better.

He's such a caring person, he's currently singing to DS in the bath.

I realised I just don't look forward to coming home anymore. I get home and the house is a mess, I'm expected to cook tea then do everyone's washing and clean up. I then study or read and then crash into bed at 10pm. Sometimes he wants sex and I just don't want it. We do have sex sometimes, but it's always been just 'ok'... Again, lack of spark.

I just don't know

Thanks for coming back x

@Newhousey You should not be doing all the cleaning, washing and cooking. He lives there too! very sweet he's singing to DS in the bath - but if he's such a 'caring' person - he should care for you, too, and do his share of housework. Then you wouldn't feel so down and exhausted. Can he not understand that?

It's a horrible feeling not wanting to go home. I've been there, and it's insidious, eats away at you.

You say he's caring but it's not very kind him leaving you to do all the work in the evenings?

Have you thought about talking to him some more? Or having some counselling to see what you want? A PP mentioned PND, maybe you should speak to a GP?