Am I mad to want to split?

[Anxioustimes12]

NC for this. Married for 11 years, no dc together. I ignored a few issues early on in the relationship as I'd come out of an abusive marriage and wanted stability for kids etc. DH is a good man but there have been issues around my dcs (from him), also finances.I've had some anxiety and depression issues but I have always kept on top of them.
Gradually over the last 4/5 years though I've become increasingly unhappy as DH is becoming less and less interested in me. He doesnt work (I do), he retired 10 years ago -early and I feel unloved, undesired. Our sex life is very infrequent and not very 'good' due to his medical and psychological issues. I have been encouraging him to seek help but it has taken this long for him to do some of this.
I've reached breaking point, and he knows this. We've discussed it a few times now that he is able to talk about it a bit. He says he has accepted that I may decide to leave him and move on. It breaks my heart to do this but I just can't go on like this.
The problems we have experienced have damaged our relationship so badly that I don't think that at this point there is any other way.
He says the split will be amicable and that there will be no blame. But I'm even asking myself why he's making it so easy for me? Is it because he wants me to go? Or is it just my low self esteem taunting me again?
It feels as though we lead quite separate lives.
He also drinks to excess at times. Usually he just goes out with friends comes home, drinks a bit more and he's not too bad but on Thursday he came home extremely drunk and argumentative, carried on drinking at home and being being abusive, told me he didn't give a sh* and to fu o*. This was a first so I was pretty shocked. I just went to bed and he apologised by text when I was at work the next day. It hasn't been mentioned since.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really, if I'm honest I think I want to split, I just feel bad because I know some of his problems aren't his fault.

Why would you stay?

His problems may not be his fault - but how he deals with them is.

No shared kids.... no interest in you..
Low quality infrequent intimacy...he can't be bothered.

I can't see many or any reasons to stay.

If he said he recognises he doesn't treat you right and would start making amends immediately.... to show how cherished you are....then perhaps....but he's not.

He's taken you for granted for a while.

Thank you both. I suppose I'd just feel guilty if I left. To others it probably looks like things are fine. It wouldn't be fair on him to tell anyone. I'd just have to say things weren't working out.
Also it's just the upheaval, selling the house etc.... I know that sounds pathetic but I'm just so broken right now the simplest of things seem so hard...
But I don't want to wake up in 10 years time and regret that I didn't leave when I could-life is too short...

Do not spend the next 10 years or so living like this. Others on the outside are not living your life and you've probably spent a fair bit of time and effort over the years covering up for him. Abuse like you describe as well thrives on secrecy. Do not keep on putting his needs above yours; this "it would not be fair on him to tell anyone" is self defeating. What does that achieve for you?.

I also wonder if you are codependent in relationships, it certainly seems so. It sounds also like you went from one abusive relationship into yet another one, that often happens. Your boundaries, poor as they were at the time, have been further reduced at this man's hands.

What are you getting out of this relationship now, what is really keeping you with this man at all.

What would you feel guilty about if you left?. Guilt in your case is a useless emotion and I would think your H does not feel at all guilty about what he has done to you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; what sort of an example did your parents show you?.
Staying within this marriage (and its really a marriage in name only) is a lot harder than actually leaving. What you describe really is a slow death by 1000 cuts.

Atilla, of course you are right, it achieves nothing for me not to tell anyone why we are splitting, it serves only to protect him.

I have wondered before if I am independent, it would not be surprising since my childhood was abusive. I escaped that by marrying young and ending up in another abusive relationship. I married him and had 3 dcs.

My home which he now part owns and my guilt are all that keep me here I think. Guilt at leaving him as I know he will 'play the victim'. He believes I am unhappy over our sex life and although this is perhaps where the cracks first showed, and where I first voiced my unhappiness, it is a much bigger problem than that. But I feel humiliated by his interpretation of the situation.

My parents fought continually and finally split when I was 15.

Not independent codependent

He says he has accepted that I may decide to leave him and move on

This sounds like he's already got the victim/martyr role all ready for himself. He actually wants to split but doesn't want to be the "bad guy".

I'd suggest your first port of call would be an appointment with a solicitor to talk through what the financial settlement would look like. As you have no DC together it should not be too complicated and it may be you can negotiate, for example, giving up a claim to his pension in return for him taking a much smaller share of the equity in the house (since it sounds like he moved in with you.)

He has already taken his pension-10 years ago when he took early retirement. He used it to buy one third of my house and therefore paid off my mortgage. We signed something at the solicitors to say if we split he would get one third and I would get two thirds, so I don't think there's much room for negotiation.

H has been away all weekend since extremely early yesterday morning and isn't due home until tomorrow afternoon. He's visiting his son and family about 3 hours drive away. I wasn't invited although admittedly I do have to be at work tomorrow morning.
This is something he does quite often with various members of his family/friends- is this normal/acceptable behaviour??